Yesterday on Kathi Lee and Hoda they talked about spanking. They said things like "There's a difference between spanking and beating your kid". "If your kid is getting ready to run into the street and you LOSE CONTROL and swat them on the butt it's different". "If you smack their hand before they reach out and touch the stove or something hot to keep them from getting burned it's OK".
Now. I KNOW this is a very controversial subject. I am not here to say that it's right or wrong. I'm just here to tell you how I feel about it and why. I was spanked as a child and I know many other people who were spanked and most everyone tells me "I'm OK" And that's just fine.
Here's my opinion. I tried spanking with my first child. It did not make me feel good and to be honest I didn't get any positive results for it. So I stopped. At the time I wasn't sure what to do in place of spanking but I knew that it wasn't the answer. Now that I have 3 kids I've realized that for my family there are answers.
1. Stay in control. If I "Lose Control" and swat my child then I am no longer being the Parent. I'm not gonna sit here and lie and act like this hasn't happened to me before because it absolutely has. I'm just saying that if I get to that point I've lost all my power. I'm now at their level and not only are they scared because I've hit them but they are scared because I've lost control. I am the Parent and my job is to keep them safe. If I lose control they no longer feel safe anywhere.
2. Consistency. Once I decide on a proper punishment for any kind of behavior I need to be consistent and follow through. This is where I think I fail the most. It's hard to keep track of 3 kids and be able to be consistent about anything. So when they are doing anything that needs to be punished there is usually a lot of other stuff going on that distracts me. So I have to focus. Drop everything that I'm doing because there's no way it's more important than teaching my child how to behave, punish them, and follow thru.
3. Discuss. Then I have to talk to them about it. Why are you in trouble? What did you do? Own up to your part even if your sisters were involved. Kids these days do not know how to take responsibility for their own actions. If you tell them the repercussions and give them the guilt of what their actions may cause it's more powerful than any quick spanking. You need to tap into their conscience. They have one but if they are never forced to face it they learn that hurting others is OK and they never feel the pain of it.
Along with the fact that spanking a young child is super scary for them think about this.....what are your plans for when they get big? When they are 8, 10, 12.....16? Are you still going to be able to put them over your knee and spank them? Are they going to fight back? Are you going to just slap them in the face? At this point you are going to jail if you leave a mark and I can assure you that at some point most kids are going to struggle and fight back. So what is your plan after spanking?
Also I wonder how is my child going to feel about me later? It's easy to be the big bully who throws my weight around when they are little but what about when they grow up? Do I want them to like me when they grow up? Or do I want them to be carrying around this anger and resentment for all the times that I hit them when they were too little to defend themselves? I mean really I am going to make a bajillion mistakes for them to be mad at me for when they are adults. Why on Earth would I choose to do something that I don't have to do to add to that anger?
I do not spank my kids anymore. I tried it with my older daughter and stopped. I may have lost control a few times over the years and swatted them but I always feel horrible after and promptly apologize. And I can honestly say that my kids are scared of Mama Lisa. I don't know why exactly. It's not like I'm going to beat them to death and bury them in the back yard. But somehow they know that I mean business when they do something wrong. I WILL follow through with the punishment and they WILL feel the guilt and disappointment for whatever it is that they did wrong.
Jelly has never been spanked. She was sitting on the floor yesterday rhyming words. In the process of her out loud rhyming she said the word "dam" I looked up to see her head swivel around at light speed and our eyes met. She was scared. I'm not sure what she thought I would do but I told her it was OK. I knew she didn't mean to say a bad word. It didn't even occur to me at the time to tell her that there were 2 words and one was OK to say. Her Daddy had to clear that up for both of us. But my point is that I've never spanked this child and somehow she knew that she had crossed a line and was immediately worried about the consequences.
What are the consequences? Well it depends on what I decide. For Jelly it's mostly a time out. And I have to follow through. I can't just sit there and say Your Gonna Get. She has to the count of 3 and then it's ON. For the older girls it is getting grounded, losing their phone, losing internet privileges or not getting to do something they were expecting to be able to do. And it sucks to take things away from my kids. I feel the pain of it as well. But that's part of my job. I have to set my feelings aside and do it anyway.
My middle child tells me that when she's in trouble for something she feels like we don't like her. I understand that and I assure her that there is NOTHING that she could ever do to make me stop liking her or loving her. However I do not have to like the things that she does. And I do feel disappointment when she does something she knows is wrong. This is a powerful thing. Children will always look first to their parent for approval. No matter how much they are liked by the rest of the world the most important people to them are their parents. Even as adults we still seek acceptance from our parents. So this is MY SUPERPOWER. If I am disappointed with one of my children they feel that much more than any physical thing I could do to them. And it has a much longer lasting affect.
One more thing to consider is Real Life Consequences. As my children grow up and go to school and into the world to work what are the consequences going to be for them if the mess up? Yes if they mouth off to the wrong person they might get beat up. But in school is someone going to hit them if they misbehave? At work are they going to get beat up for being late or making a mistake? No they are most likely going to face a real consequence like getting kicked out of school or getting fired. If they know what a real life consequence is than they won't be surprised when these things happen and likely they will do whatever they need to in order to avoid it.
We all need to find what works for us when disciplining our children. And there are many ways to do it without spanking. There are also many books, classes and helpers out there who can help us learn another way. For me there is no excuse ever to hit my kid. If they are reaching for the burner on the stove then I may yell to get their attention but if they get burned than they will know not to do it again. If they are running into the street then I haven't properly taught them the rules of not running into the street OR they are too young to know better and I should be making sure they don't run into the street. It's MY responsibility to teach them and keep them safe. Not theirs. It's hard work and I'm telling you right now that I never saw it coming. I thought "OOOoooooo babies, love love love...." and then BAM!!! They get a mind of their own!!! That's where the work begins. It's called tough love and it's the best thing I can give my girls.
I listed 3 things earlier. Control, Consistency and Discuss. I think all of these things are extremely important but if I had to pick one I would pick control. Because once you lose control the other 2 are harder to get back to. As a mother of older children who then had a baby I was given a gift. First I was older. And second I was more patient and wiser. With Jelly I've learned that my reaction directly affects her behavior. LORD IF I HAD KNOWN THIS SOONER!!!!!!! So when Jelly has a tantrum, no matter where it is or how bad it is. I have to maintain control. I cannot react to her tantrum. I cannot yell at her tantrum. I cannot spank her tantrum. I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HER TANTRUM!! So I have to control myself. If we are in public (which has only happened once with her by the way) then I would simply remover her from wherever we are and take her to the car or a place where she can have her tantrum. Go ahead. Have it. I'm going to sit here and look at my watch until your done. Just let me know when it's over so we can get on about our day. If we are at home I just ignore it. And she knows that. I'm not going to give in to her tantrum. Or give her attention for her tantrum. After a tantrum I have to consider why? Is she tired? Did she have a bad day at school? Does she need some hugs and lovin to make her feel better? A tantrum isn't always a "bad kid" It is a kid who most likely needs a little extra good attention for a minute to reassure them that first it's OK to lose it and second that no matter what you do I'll still love you. It's still not OK to behave that way but it's understandable and maybe next time you can just let me know you need something. My goodness I am 42 years old and I still have temper tantrums!!!
This is also a very difficult task when you have a tweener or a teenager. Especially because they know everything and I know nothing. Usually the behavior is something like sarcasm or mouthing off and being disrespectful to me. At which time I would like to just flip out and let them hear all the bad words that know. AND SOMETIMES I DO!!!! But mostly I still need to be in control. If I am sarcastic back to them than I am all of the sudden a teenager and I've lost my power. Also getting down to their level and being mean or sarcastic is hurtful to them. They get picked on and treated this way at school. If I do it to them I'm just being one of the "mean kids" If I yell or say bad words than they are defensive and afraid. So I have to put my Big Girl Panties on and maintain control. In situations where my older girls are misbehaving or acting out I try to stop and ask myself "How would I deal with Jelly the 4 year older if this was happening?" And usually the answer is the same. Maintain Control. We do not reward bad behavior with ANY kind of attention. We ignore it, find out what the source is and then deal with it accordingly. And that gift that Jelly gave me has probably saved my relationship with my oldest daughter because for a long time we were in a nasty pattern of behavior. ALL MY FAULT! Once I realized that my behavior was making her behavior worse I felt sad and disappointed in myself and I've told Kelsey over and over and over again that I'm sorry and that if I could take it all back I would. I have given her permission to be as mad at me as she wants to get it all out of her. I don't know if it will ever be OK but I know that I'm trying and I know that she knows that I'm trying.
It's never too late to make it right. No matter what I've done I can always fix it NOW and make amends for it. And I can tell you that one of the most powerful things you can do as a parent is admit when your wrong to your child. I was wrong for spanking my child. I was wrong for not maintaining control when I needed to be the grown up. It doesn't matter to me what other people think because my kids go to school and they behave. I take them in public and they behave. They are by no means perfect but I've never had to go to any school for bad behavior. They do misbehave for me. But that's OK. It's where they are suppose to push the boundaries. And it's also where they know they are in a safe environment to do so. Doesn't mean they won't get in trouble but they know they won't get hurt.
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