I'm ALWAYS in trouble.

It's true.  I'm a Mom,  I'm a wife,  I'm a daughter, I'm a sister, I'm a friend, I'm a niece, I'm a WHOLE BUNCH OF THINGS.  And no matter what I do or how hard I try to do it right....I'm almost always in trouble with someone.  And no matter what my defense is it doesn't matter because to whoever that person is....they are the only person I am responsible to....and if I can't deliver....I'm in trouble.  And I wonder why I carry the weight of the World on my shoulders?  And end up having to get massages to work out those muscles in my shoulders that are all like "You should be perfect!"  and  "No matter how someone treats you you should still be there for them"  And "Seriously keep trying lady but no matter what you'll never meet up to the expectations"

I can tell myself all day long to chill out.  But MY BODY tells the truth.  And when I'm in pain it's usually because I'm under pressure.  So I have to stop......take a breath....and remind myself that no matter how hard I try I'll never ever be perfect.  And on top of that because I am a wife and a Mother I'll most likely be doing something wrong or not meeting expectations.  TOTALLY NORMAL!!!!!  Like I'm not this completely unique person who is in a class all by myself and my family and the people around me somehow expect me to be a Super Hero.  This IS the life of a Woman, a Mother, a Wife.  And if there is a Man out there who disagrees.....Honest to Goodness....... I could give a flying FLUFF!!!  No one knows this feeling until they are there.

So.....even if World War III has happened in my house the previous evening.  I'm expected to completely set it aside, let it go, act like everything is OK......when clearly I AM A WOMAN.  And I'm sorry but I haven't let it go...and I am still feeling it....so in the big picture of LIFE....Please let me have my feelings.  And don't' make me feel guilty for having them.  Because MY feelings are real and no one can argue with them.  No one gets to tell me how or when I should or shouldn't feel a certain way.

Now.  When it comes to my children clearly I have to be rational about this.  They too have a right to their feelings (along with everyone else)  However I do sometimes have to set my feelings aside to meet their need BECAUSE they are children and I am the adult.  But I am not a fool.  These little children of mine are way smarter than I give them credit for most of the time.  And their job as children is to get away with as much as possible without facing any consequences.  They will pull every single rabbit out of their hat to get what they want.  Which is totally normal.  Especially if they are raised in an environment where they feel safe.  But that does not mean I have to just lay down and let them have everything they want.  If I have a blink response to something they want or ask to do there is usually a good reason behind it.  And I can share my explanation with them if I want to but really....I don't have to......  but no matter what decision I make, right or wrong, I'm ALWAYS IN TROUBLE.

So this is the cross I bear.  And it totally sucks.  But it's my reality and if I'm always in trouble I just have to reassure myself that there is a good, valid, totally rational reason why I'm in trouble.  And when
I turn it around and look at it from a completely different perspective.....If I'm in trouble then there's a good chance I'm doing something right.  Wether it's making sure my kids have boundaries or staying true to myself, it FEELS wrong but it's SO right..........