It's taken me a while to get around to this blog. I know people are interested, fascinated and want to know more. I do not actually have an imaginary friend named Belle but I will refer to this very real friend as Belle because the person I knew was not real. She was "real" in body only. So I could see her but I could not "SEE" her. This is why I call her my imaginary friend. I had a hard time letting go of Belle........
First I need to make it very clear that I never knew my friend Belle had been involved in the shooting death of another human being. I knew that she had been through a very traumatic home invasion. I knew a few details but I did not know what the outcome was. I'm not sure now if I had known what I would have thought or done. I still cannot say because at the time she was my friend Belle and I thought the world of her. I think I would have believed her. I think I would have had compassion for her. I also think it's why she picked me to be her friend.
I met Belle through my children. Our first phone conversation was very friendly and shortly after that our first face to face meeting went very well. We hit it off right away. I liked her. She was worldly and sophisticated. She was beautiful and seemed like a very confidant woman. She did not ever once make me feel like I wasn't good enough for her or that somehow she was better than me because she had experienced so much more in life than me. I specifically remember her making a comment one time and I asked her what she meant. I was very impressed by the fact that she didn't make me feel stupid and just answered me. When I look back on that moment I remember how she tilted her head to the side a little when I asked "what does that mean?" She thought for a brief moment and then answered me. I think it was at that moment that she knew that somehow I might benefit her some day. Which is so ironic because for me that was the moment I was sure we were going to be great friends because she didn't make me feel stupid. Little did I know.....
Most of our time spent together involved being with the kids or just hanging out drinking champagne and chatting. I am an open book. I'll tell anyone anything about myself. And so she knew a lot about me. She knew I had grown up in an abusive home, she knew I've had battles with depression, she knew I was struggling with things in my life currently that made me a little vulnerable. I can honestly say that there was never ever a moment during our friendship where I think she tried to take advantage of me. I cannot look back now and tell you that she ever did anything that compromised my safety or the safety of my family. She never tried to manipulate me or get anything from me. And when she was arrested I felt like someone punched me in the heart. I could not imagine my friend Belle spending the rest of her life behind bars. It's literally made me ill. I decided that I would have to wait for everything to come out and cross that bridge when I got there. In the meantime I would have to remain her friend because that's what friends do.
I found out from my husband. I woke up and he said "Did you hear about Belle?" Of course I had no clue what he was talking about. He took me to the computer, played the newscast for me and I promptly busted out into tears. I figured out how to contact her and wrote to her right away. Most of our letters were very general. Just about every day things. We couldn't write about the case because she was on trial. The last letter I mailed to her was right before Halloween. I sent her a little card and a letter with some crossword puzzle pages from a book that I'd bought just for her. This also prompted me to get on the computer and check on how things were going with the trial. It was at this time that I finally realized that I was in total denial about this woman. I told my husband I can't find anything about her. Well that's because I knew her as "Belle" Her real name, when googled, brought up some other woman that I DID NOT KNOW. I found out so many things about her and also found out critical information about the trial. There's really no doubt in my mind that she is not Belle. She is not even capable of having the feelings that Belle had. She was an actress. An Oscar Award winning actress. Honestly if she could have taken her skills in ANY other direction she might be famous instead of infamous.
So. What to do? Well HOW THE #*@! DO I KNOW?????!!!!! I've never had to end a relationship with a sociopathic killer. Not exactly in the handbook. I received a letter from her right after Thanksgiving. She wanted me to go on Dateline or one of those shows to stick up for her. She gave me all the contact information and told me it was obviously my choice. However the tone of her letter was very different. More like YOU KNOW, and YOU CAN TELL PEOPLE. Well I didn't know. And I can't tell people. Suddenly it dawned on me that she did in fact have me around for a reason. I was the friend who was going to go on National television and make a complete fool of myself sticking up for her. And now I know that she really did think I was a complete fool the whole time. So. I just never returned her letter. I'll never respond. There's no point.
Were there Red Flags? Yes there were. She was always changing her cell phone number. I couldn't get a hold of her for weeks at a time. She was constantly trying to convince me that her ex husband was a very dangerous person who was constantly a threat to her. And she avoided my husband at all costs. Even to the point of being rude. Which now I understand because he's a very strong man and most likely would have seen right through her. But were the flags saying "I'm a murder?" "I'm a very dangerous person stay away!" No. They weren't that red. Towards the end I was feeling a little overwhelmed by all her wild stories and I admit I was pulling away. I think she sensed it. She came over a week before she was arrested and we sat on my couch together with my laptop planning her wedding. My Mother told me later that Belle was using her Wedding to pull me back in. She was playing on my emotions. And it worked.
Now when I look back on all of it I realize it was never a real friendship. There is a big part of me that wants to believe that I was special and she really did care about me. However I don't believe she cares about anyone besides herself. I explained it to my girls this way because they thought she was crazy and needed to be put in a psychiatric hospital. I told them she's not crazy. She knows exactly what she's doing and she knows it wrong. She just doesn't care. And that's the part that makes her dangerous. She has no conscience. She took a human life to gain something for herself which turned out to be about 1000.00 a month in child support. She planned it, carried it out and then went on living her life like nothing ever happened. As far as I'm concerned no one is safe from her. Not even her own children. And I also feel like I quite literally dodged a bullet. I think at some point if she had figured out a way to get something from me I would have been a victim as well.
What did I lose? Well nothing material. And no lives thank goodness. But I did lose the trust of my own intuition about people. I mean I knew there was something about her that was off but isn't there something about almost everyone that we meet that feels off? I think what it boils down to for me is something I will likely blog about in another post. If someone in your life is bringing you bad and good energy than I think at some point you have to weigh the good and the bad. See which side is heavier. In this case the stories and the drama that was her life was pretty equal with the joy she brought me but the scale was definitely tipping towards the end. If a relationship becomes so difficult to keep up with and starts to affect me and the people around me than it has to end. Can I trust my intuition from now on? Well I will tell you this. I LOVE TO MEET NEW PEOPLE!! It's my favorite. But I will be listening a lot harder to that little voice inside of me that says "Is something up here?" I won't be necessarily looking for things but I won't ignore them either.
I have to add that I did have a broken heart. I truly loved Belle. We had the most amazing conversations and we both enjoyed sipping champaign while just hanging out in a relaxed environment. If there was any part of Belle that was real than I will always love her. She will always be in my heart. And for the rest of my life I will never ever forget her. However I will move on. And I'm sure that I will continue to meet amazing Woman throughout the rest of my life. As a matter of fact I'm looking forward to it. :D
No comments:
Post a Comment