As a woman one of the hardest things for me to do is say No to something I know that I either cannot do or if I do it I will over extend myself. Unless of course it's my husband asking for sex and then for some reason the word No rolls off my tongue like I've been saying it my whole life....which is a WHOLE OTHER topic of discussion.
So. When I became a Mother and Kindergarden started of course there was the sign up sheet for all the things that need to be done by all the parents. And of course....eager to please...I signed the sheet every time. How was I to know??????? That before I could even take a breath......my phone would literally be ringing off the hook. And I was running and doing a pleasing and fixing and on and on and on and on. And throughout my first 2 girls school years, for the most part, I did as much as I could and then some. It didn't matter that after Kelsey's Kindergarden Halloween party AND the afternoon class which she wasn't even in but I did anyway because there was no one else to do it.....that I had to go to the doctors office and get a shot of Demerol because my back and neck were so bound up that I couldn't even move without feeling like I was gonna puke. Of course if given the same set of circumstances I would have done exactly the same thing. And even now I would totally step up for a class full of Kindergardeners who don't have a party planned. But as far as putting my name on an open ended sheet of to do's. Not gonna happen.
Let me just say this. When I decided to stay home with my kids (which I am totally over the top and living in la la land lucky to be able to do) I decided to do so because I wanted to be with my kids. I didn't chose this life so that I could sign up for every single extra thing that the PTA wants me to do. Now. I have a tremendous amount of respect for the woman who are on the PTA. If they can accomplish their goals as a stay at home/working Mom and be a PTA Superstar I really really really do think that is fantastic. It's AWE inspiring. I AM NOT THIS MOM!!! And that's O - K. I know my limitations. I know in my heart of hearts what I really want to do. And I'm not at all in the tiniest bit ashamed to admit that I have my hands plenty full enough with my kids to do just about anything else that requires me to commit to something other than my kids. If someone wants to judge me for this than so be it. LIKE I CARE!!! All I care about in the end is that I gave birth to these 3 beautiful girls and FOR ME raising them is my only job until they leave my house and go out into the world on their own. And even then....they will still be my first priority.
So. How did I learn to say no? Well the story goes like this. Kelsey is in 3rd grade. Bizzy is in first grade. And I get asked to run for a position on the PTA. SOMEONE suggested me because I have these massive organizational skills and I'm very dependable. At first I was flattered. Of course. And I said yes I'll run. Then I went to a PTA meeting. And I watched the interaction between the parents and the PTA members. And I knew right away that if I was on the PTA and any single one of those parents talked to me that way that I would promptly stand up and tell them to STFU! Which really isn't what I think the PTA is looking for. But also......for some reason....there was this underlying feeling that it just wasn't the right thing to do. I couldn't quite put my finger on it but it was really bugging me. So I did what every woman does when she's completely overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do and I called my Mommy. And she told me "Just call whoever it is you need to call and tell them something has come up and you can't run for the position" And I did just that. Was it easy? HEWL NO!!! I was sure that there were a whole bunch of people who were mad at me that I didn't even know. But about a week or so later I found out I was pregnant with Jelly. And then the shit hit the fan......
In the first 3 months of any pregnancy I've had or could have had or might still have (I WOULD CASTRATE MY HUSBAND) I am so sick I literally cannot even stand the smell of my own family, dogs, house, outside or anything for that matter. I was so sick with Jelly that my dog Mojo lost 5lbs because I kicked him out of my life for 3 months. He didn't understand but I could smell him from 10 feet away and it made me sick. I laid in bed for 3 months. No food. No TV. No No No No No nothing. HOWEVER I had still signed up on that list of things to do for the PTA. So my phone was constantly ringing off the hook. And BLESS HER HEART the gal who was the PTA president was so understanding and totally let me off the hook. But it wasn't just her. There's all these other people who are assigned to all the different comities and they still have my name on their list so they still call. And can I just tell you that I got so good at saying No that you would think I'd literally came out of the womb saying that word. Because why on Earth would I say Yes? I knew I couldn't do what they wanted. I knew I'd either have to back out at the last minute or puke on someone if I showed up. So I learned to say no. And it was a wonderful thing. My 3rd child, Jelly, has given me many gifts and that was one of them.
I use the PTA sign up sheet school thing as an example because it really is extreme. However the opportunity to say No presents itself all the time. And I do not hesitate to say it. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful friends who want me to come out and celebrate things with them all the time. And if it's really really important I will bend over backwards to clear my schedule and make it a priority. But there are sometimes that I can't. AND THAT'S OK. Of course I feel bad but if I am over extending myself or my kid is sick or I can't find a babysitter it's out of my control. Even if it isn't out of my control and I just know that it's not something I can add to my hectic schedule it's OK. If we are really friends then they will understand. I KNOW I would do the same for any single one of my friends or family.
So if you are my friend and I ask you to come or invite you to join and for whatever reason you can't be here just tell me NO. I totally respect that word and I don't even need an excuse. Whatever your excuse is it's important to me because you need to take care of yourself and your family first. I DO nag and nag and nag and nag but if you tell me No I will hear you. Don't tell me maybe or we'll see. Just make the decision and take care of yourself. That's what I would want you to do. It doesn't mean I won't miss you cuz you know I will. But you taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for our friendship. And as far as the PTA goes BELIEVE ME if you and I can't make it, there is someone who can. And when my kids are older and I'm not on call all afternoon or all day then I will definitely step up. But until then I know that I can only do what I can do without having to crack open a bottle of vodka or end up in the Psych ward hopped up on Xanax. It's who I am and I totally accept myself that way. Life is just too short not too.
It's O K to say NO. Just make sure you say it to me RIGHT AWAY so you don't have to endure my relentless nagging. Because along with all my other talents nagging is one of my most highly tuned abilities. :D
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