Why? I really wish I knew. All I know for sure is that there are people out there who are mean on purpose. They would never admit it. They might make up excuses for being that way. But the truth is they are just mean, ON PURPOSE. And the one thing I tell my girls is that someone who is mean to you on purpose is not your friend. I have been with my husband for almost 20 years and I can honestly say that the man has never done anything ON PURPOSE to hurt me. Not once. Even in his most angry moments he may have said things that he felt but not to hurt me. He's never called me a bad name. He's never made fun of me for asking a stupid question. He's never tried to get back at me for something. He's never ever not once in our whole lifetime tried to hurt me on purpose. Now he's done a lot of stupid things that were unintentional that hurt me but that's different. As soon as he knows he hurt me he feels bad. And I feel like the luckiest woman on the Earth because believe me I've had a lot of hurt in my life and to find someone who is so gentle and kind has helped me to heal more than I ever thought I could.
I blogged about feeling comfortable in your own skin. In that blog I talked about the fact that usually the only time I start to feel uncomfortable is when I am in a conversation with someone who is deliberately trying to make me feel that way. I HAVE NO TIME FOR THIS PERSON. Remember I said you know your in this conversation when you feel like you have to start making up excuses for being who you are. And that's just a big ole giant pile of crap!!! I should NEVER have to "Excuse" myself. I am who I am. If you don't like me that way than GET THE *! OUT OF MY LIFE!!! And especially if you feel a strong urge to point out what you don't like about me. Because fortunately for you I have learned that being mean back is not an option. But if you push me......you might just get an earful.
OK here's the deal. If I take the time out to get a babysitter, leave my kids at home and go out to spend time with someone, ITS NOT going to be with someone I don't like or who makes me feel bad. I just don't have time for that anymore. And I make no excuses for it either. There are plenty of other people that I would much rather spend my time with. And like I said before I'd rather be at home puking. It's really that bad.
So the next time you get invited somewhere and you have that moment where you pause and think "I just know that this isn't going to turn out well" Listen to it. Because I can guarantee that you'll be mad at yourself for going. And you'll be filled with bad feelings that you didn't have to have. Life's just too short to be wasting it on people who don't like me.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
My Imaginary Friend Belle
It's taken me a while to get around to this blog. I know people are interested, fascinated and want to know more. I do not actually have an imaginary friend named Belle but I will refer to this very real friend as Belle because the person I knew was not real. She was "real" in body only. So I could see her but I could not "SEE" her. This is why I call her my imaginary friend. I had a hard time letting go of Belle........
First I need to make it very clear that I never knew my friend Belle had been involved in the shooting death of another human being. I knew that she had been through a very traumatic home invasion. I knew a few details but I did not know what the outcome was. I'm not sure now if I had known what I would have thought or done. I still cannot say because at the time she was my friend Belle and I thought the world of her. I think I would have believed her. I think I would have had compassion for her. I also think it's why she picked me to be her friend.
I met Belle through my children. Our first phone conversation was very friendly and shortly after that our first face to face meeting went very well. We hit it off right away. I liked her. She was worldly and sophisticated. She was beautiful and seemed like a very confidant woman. She did not ever once make me feel like I wasn't good enough for her or that somehow she was better than me because she had experienced so much more in life than me. I specifically remember her making a comment one time and I asked her what she meant. I was very impressed by the fact that she didn't make me feel stupid and just answered me. When I look back on that moment I remember how she tilted her head to the side a little when I asked "what does that mean?" She thought for a brief moment and then answered me. I think it was at that moment that she knew that somehow I might benefit her some day. Which is so ironic because for me that was the moment I was sure we were going to be great friends because she didn't make me feel stupid. Little did I know.....
Most of our time spent together involved being with the kids or just hanging out drinking champagne and chatting. I am an open book. I'll tell anyone anything about myself. And so she knew a lot about me. She knew I had grown up in an abusive home, she knew I've had battles with depression, she knew I was struggling with things in my life currently that made me a little vulnerable. I can honestly say that there was never ever a moment during our friendship where I think she tried to take advantage of me. I cannot look back now and tell you that she ever did anything that compromised my safety or the safety of my family. She never tried to manipulate me or get anything from me. And when she was arrested I felt like someone punched me in the heart. I could not imagine my friend Belle spending the rest of her life behind bars. It's literally made me ill. I decided that I would have to wait for everything to come out and cross that bridge when I got there. In the meantime I would have to remain her friend because that's what friends do.
I found out from my husband. I woke up and he said "Did you hear about Belle?" Of course I had no clue what he was talking about. He took me to the computer, played the newscast for me and I promptly busted out into tears. I figured out how to contact her and wrote to her right away. Most of our letters were very general. Just about every day things. We couldn't write about the case because she was on trial. The last letter I mailed to her was right before Halloween. I sent her a little card and a letter with some crossword puzzle pages from a book that I'd bought just for her. This also prompted me to get on the computer and check on how things were going with the trial. It was at this time that I finally realized that I was in total denial about this woman. I told my husband I can't find anything about her. Well that's because I knew her as "Belle" Her real name, when googled, brought up some other woman that I DID NOT KNOW. I found out so many things about her and also found out critical information about the trial. There's really no doubt in my mind that she is not Belle. She is not even capable of having the feelings that Belle had. She was an actress. An Oscar Award winning actress. Honestly if she could have taken her skills in ANY other direction she might be famous instead of infamous.
So. What to do? Well HOW THE #*@! DO I KNOW?????!!!!! I've never had to end a relationship with a sociopathic killer. Not exactly in the handbook. I received a letter from her right after Thanksgiving. She wanted me to go on Dateline or one of those shows to stick up for her. She gave me all the contact information and told me it was obviously my choice. However the tone of her letter was very different. More like YOU KNOW, and YOU CAN TELL PEOPLE. Well I didn't know. And I can't tell people. Suddenly it dawned on me that she did in fact have me around for a reason. I was the friend who was going to go on National television and make a complete fool of myself sticking up for her. And now I know that she really did think I was a complete fool the whole time. So. I just never returned her letter. I'll never respond. There's no point.
Were there Red Flags? Yes there were. She was always changing her cell phone number. I couldn't get a hold of her for weeks at a time. She was constantly trying to convince me that her ex husband was a very dangerous person who was constantly a threat to her. And she avoided my husband at all costs. Even to the point of being rude. Which now I understand because he's a very strong man and most likely would have seen right through her. But were the flags saying "I'm a murder?" "I'm a very dangerous person stay away!" No. They weren't that red. Towards the end I was feeling a little overwhelmed by all her wild stories and I admit I was pulling away. I think she sensed it. She came over a week before she was arrested and we sat on my couch together with my laptop planning her wedding. My Mother told me later that Belle was using her Wedding to pull me back in. She was playing on my emotions. And it worked.
Now when I look back on all of it I realize it was never a real friendship. There is a big part of me that wants to believe that I was special and she really did care about me. However I don't believe she cares about anyone besides herself. I explained it to my girls this way because they thought she was crazy and needed to be put in a psychiatric hospital. I told them she's not crazy. She knows exactly what she's doing and she knows it wrong. She just doesn't care. And that's the part that makes her dangerous. She has no conscience. She took a human life to gain something for herself which turned out to be about 1000.00 a month in child support. She planned it, carried it out and then went on living her life like nothing ever happened. As far as I'm concerned no one is safe from her. Not even her own children. And I also feel like I quite literally dodged a bullet. I think at some point if she had figured out a way to get something from me I would have been a victim as well.
What did I lose? Well nothing material. And no lives thank goodness. But I did lose the trust of my own intuition about people. I mean I knew there was something about her that was off but isn't there something about almost everyone that we meet that feels off? I think what it boils down to for me is something I will likely blog about in another post. If someone in your life is bringing you bad and good energy than I think at some point you have to weigh the good and the bad. See which side is heavier. In this case the stories and the drama that was her life was pretty equal with the joy she brought me but the scale was definitely tipping towards the end. If a relationship becomes so difficult to keep up with and starts to affect me and the people around me than it has to end. Can I trust my intuition from now on? Well I will tell you this. I LOVE TO MEET NEW PEOPLE!! It's my favorite. But I will be listening a lot harder to that little voice inside of me that says "Is something up here?" I won't be necessarily looking for things but I won't ignore them either.
I have to add that I did have a broken heart. I truly loved Belle. We had the most amazing conversations and we both enjoyed sipping champaign while just hanging out in a relaxed environment. If there was any part of Belle that was real than I will always love her. She will always be in my heart. And for the rest of my life I will never ever forget her. However I will move on. And I'm sure that I will continue to meet amazing Woman throughout the rest of my life. As a matter of fact I'm looking forward to it. :D
First I need to make it very clear that I never knew my friend Belle had been involved in the shooting death of another human being. I knew that she had been through a very traumatic home invasion. I knew a few details but I did not know what the outcome was. I'm not sure now if I had known what I would have thought or done. I still cannot say because at the time she was my friend Belle and I thought the world of her. I think I would have believed her. I think I would have had compassion for her. I also think it's why she picked me to be her friend.
I met Belle through my children. Our first phone conversation was very friendly and shortly after that our first face to face meeting went very well. We hit it off right away. I liked her. She was worldly and sophisticated. She was beautiful and seemed like a very confidant woman. She did not ever once make me feel like I wasn't good enough for her or that somehow she was better than me because she had experienced so much more in life than me. I specifically remember her making a comment one time and I asked her what she meant. I was very impressed by the fact that she didn't make me feel stupid and just answered me. When I look back on that moment I remember how she tilted her head to the side a little when I asked "what does that mean?" She thought for a brief moment and then answered me. I think it was at that moment that she knew that somehow I might benefit her some day. Which is so ironic because for me that was the moment I was sure we were going to be great friends because she didn't make me feel stupid. Little did I know.....
Most of our time spent together involved being with the kids or just hanging out drinking champagne and chatting. I am an open book. I'll tell anyone anything about myself. And so she knew a lot about me. She knew I had grown up in an abusive home, she knew I've had battles with depression, she knew I was struggling with things in my life currently that made me a little vulnerable. I can honestly say that there was never ever a moment during our friendship where I think she tried to take advantage of me. I cannot look back now and tell you that she ever did anything that compromised my safety or the safety of my family. She never tried to manipulate me or get anything from me. And when she was arrested I felt like someone punched me in the heart. I could not imagine my friend Belle spending the rest of her life behind bars. It's literally made me ill. I decided that I would have to wait for everything to come out and cross that bridge when I got there. In the meantime I would have to remain her friend because that's what friends do.
I found out from my husband. I woke up and he said "Did you hear about Belle?" Of course I had no clue what he was talking about. He took me to the computer, played the newscast for me and I promptly busted out into tears. I figured out how to contact her and wrote to her right away. Most of our letters were very general. Just about every day things. We couldn't write about the case because she was on trial. The last letter I mailed to her was right before Halloween. I sent her a little card and a letter with some crossword puzzle pages from a book that I'd bought just for her. This also prompted me to get on the computer and check on how things were going with the trial. It was at this time that I finally realized that I was in total denial about this woman. I told my husband I can't find anything about her. Well that's because I knew her as "Belle" Her real name, when googled, brought up some other woman that I DID NOT KNOW. I found out so many things about her and also found out critical information about the trial. There's really no doubt in my mind that she is not Belle. She is not even capable of having the feelings that Belle had. She was an actress. An Oscar Award winning actress. Honestly if she could have taken her skills in ANY other direction she might be famous instead of infamous.
So. What to do? Well HOW THE #*@! DO I KNOW?????!!!!! I've never had to end a relationship with a sociopathic killer. Not exactly in the handbook. I received a letter from her right after Thanksgiving. She wanted me to go on Dateline or one of those shows to stick up for her. She gave me all the contact information and told me it was obviously my choice. However the tone of her letter was very different. More like YOU KNOW, and YOU CAN TELL PEOPLE. Well I didn't know. And I can't tell people. Suddenly it dawned on me that she did in fact have me around for a reason. I was the friend who was going to go on National television and make a complete fool of myself sticking up for her. And now I know that she really did think I was a complete fool the whole time. So. I just never returned her letter. I'll never respond. There's no point.
Were there Red Flags? Yes there were. She was always changing her cell phone number. I couldn't get a hold of her for weeks at a time. She was constantly trying to convince me that her ex husband was a very dangerous person who was constantly a threat to her. And she avoided my husband at all costs. Even to the point of being rude. Which now I understand because he's a very strong man and most likely would have seen right through her. But were the flags saying "I'm a murder?" "I'm a very dangerous person stay away!" No. They weren't that red. Towards the end I was feeling a little overwhelmed by all her wild stories and I admit I was pulling away. I think she sensed it. She came over a week before she was arrested and we sat on my couch together with my laptop planning her wedding. My Mother told me later that Belle was using her Wedding to pull me back in. She was playing on my emotions. And it worked.
Now when I look back on all of it I realize it was never a real friendship. There is a big part of me that wants to believe that I was special and she really did care about me. However I don't believe she cares about anyone besides herself. I explained it to my girls this way because they thought she was crazy and needed to be put in a psychiatric hospital. I told them she's not crazy. She knows exactly what she's doing and she knows it wrong. She just doesn't care. And that's the part that makes her dangerous. She has no conscience. She took a human life to gain something for herself which turned out to be about 1000.00 a month in child support. She planned it, carried it out and then went on living her life like nothing ever happened. As far as I'm concerned no one is safe from her. Not even her own children. And I also feel like I quite literally dodged a bullet. I think at some point if she had figured out a way to get something from me I would have been a victim as well.
What did I lose? Well nothing material. And no lives thank goodness. But I did lose the trust of my own intuition about people. I mean I knew there was something about her that was off but isn't there something about almost everyone that we meet that feels off? I think what it boils down to for me is something I will likely blog about in another post. If someone in your life is bringing you bad and good energy than I think at some point you have to weigh the good and the bad. See which side is heavier. In this case the stories and the drama that was her life was pretty equal with the joy she brought me but the scale was definitely tipping towards the end. If a relationship becomes so difficult to keep up with and starts to affect me and the people around me than it has to end. Can I trust my intuition from now on? Well I will tell you this. I LOVE TO MEET NEW PEOPLE!! It's my favorite. But I will be listening a lot harder to that little voice inside of me that says "Is something up here?" I won't be necessarily looking for things but I won't ignore them either.
I have to add that I did have a broken heart. I truly loved Belle. We had the most amazing conversations and we both enjoyed sipping champaign while just hanging out in a relaxed environment. If there was any part of Belle that was real than I will always love her. She will always be in my heart. And for the rest of my life I will never ever forget her. However I will move on. And I'm sure that I will continue to meet amazing Woman throughout the rest of my life. As a matter of fact I'm looking forward to it. :D
Sunday, January 15, 2012
My "BUBBLE!"
OK it's Pink and sparkly and it's all in order. The thing is I have this Bubble over my head that holds all the things inside of it that I need to do. By Bubble is PERFECT!!!! And that's just the way I like it. However it's a Bubble. And what happens to Bubbles if you touch them? They POP!!
What Pops my Bubble? Well........kids, dogs, Jay, traffic jams, long lines at the store, red lights, the car wash being closed, backing into a truck at the Humane Society, waking up on the wrong side of the bed, the dog throwing up on the carpet I just got cleaned....I could go on and on and on. Basically what pops my Bubble is life. And for a long time I did not handle it very well when my Bubble popped. And by not handling it well I mean TOTALLY FREAKING OUT!!!! Because now I have to pick EVERYTHING back up and put it back in my Bubble while finding a place for this thing that popped it to fit in.
My Bubble is a gift. Clearly it allows me to do a lot of things well. For instance as soon as I know I'm having a party (which I love to do BTW) my Bubble starts to fill up with all the things that will be involved in this party. I may make a list but I can assure you that the list is not as detailed as the Bubble. The Bubble has Sparkly Pink thoughts in it that fine tune the details that NO ONE ELSE knows about. And I don't lose anything in my Bubble. Even if it gets popped I can still pick everything back up and put it back in my Bubble exactly the way it was, of course adding the thing that popped it.
My Bubble is a gift but it also causes me much anxiety. My need for my Bubble to be so perfect makes me a difficult person to be around. AND it doesn't allow for surprises or life to interfere. So even though I love my Bubble and it serves a wonderful purpose most of the time, I've had to learn to allow my Bubble to be popped.
Here's how it happens. It's Friday night and I'm in the middle of cleaning or cooking or getting the house ready for the weekend and Jay comes home. He announces that we should drop everything and take our 3 kids out to dinner RIGHT NOW! POP!!!!!!! There goes my Bubble. Now I have to fit in "Get ready, get kids ready, figure out a place to go, go there (with kids) and then get back home" This may not seem like a huge deal to a person without a Bubble but if you have a Bubble you KNOW exactly what I'm talking about. And this POP usually results in one of 3 things. 1. I scramble to pick up all my stuff and cram this other thing in with my bubble. 2. I flip out on Jay for even suggestion something so horrible like going out to dinner with the family. or 3. I say No Way can't do that right now. And no matter what happens I stick to my guns.
Fortunately for my family I have had so many opportunities for my Bubble to be popped that over the years I have learned how to calmly pick it all back up and move on. I am a much more relaxed person that I used to be for sure. And if I could go back to when my older girls were little I wish that I could have let a lot of the things in my Bubble go. But we can't change what's already done.
So now.....when I'm all set up for my Avon Open House....and Jelly spills the pink punch on the Living room carpet at the very last minute before someone walks through my door.....My Bubble still pops. But it's not nearly as traumatic for her as it is for me. I have to say "It's OK" It was an accident and I'm not mad. All while I'm picking up my stuff and putting it back in my Bubble.
Now this doesn't mean that I never freak out when My Bubble Pops. Sometimes it builds....and builds......and then POP!!!! All of a sudden for no apparent reason I am FREAKING OUT on my family and no one is safe from the wrath of my Sparkly Pink Bubble. Everyone thinks I've temporarily gone insane and they start moving faster than you've ever seen in your life. Out of fear mostly.
So. If you have a Bubble feel free to contact me any time to talk Bubble's cuz I think the more we know the better equipped we are to deal with them.
If you LIVE with someone who has a Bubble.....well then I'm sorry. Really. There's nothing you can do. You will pop their Bubble and there will be consequences. But if you are really brave you could occasionally have some fun and Pop their Bubble on purpose. This is a very risky procedure and I cannot guarantee your safety but in the end Popping someone's Bubble might be a loving thing to do for them because it will teach them how to deal with their Bubble. OR they might freak out and attack you with a duster!
What Pops my Bubble? Well........kids, dogs, Jay, traffic jams, long lines at the store, red lights, the car wash being closed, backing into a truck at the Humane Society, waking up on the wrong side of the bed, the dog throwing up on the carpet I just got cleaned....I could go on and on and on. Basically what pops my Bubble is life. And for a long time I did not handle it very well when my Bubble popped. And by not handling it well I mean TOTALLY FREAKING OUT!!!! Because now I have to pick EVERYTHING back up and put it back in my Bubble while finding a place for this thing that popped it to fit in.
My Bubble is a gift. Clearly it allows me to do a lot of things well. For instance as soon as I know I'm having a party (which I love to do BTW) my Bubble starts to fill up with all the things that will be involved in this party. I may make a list but I can assure you that the list is not as detailed as the Bubble. The Bubble has Sparkly Pink thoughts in it that fine tune the details that NO ONE ELSE knows about. And I don't lose anything in my Bubble. Even if it gets popped I can still pick everything back up and put it back in my Bubble exactly the way it was, of course adding the thing that popped it.
My Bubble is a gift but it also causes me much anxiety. My need for my Bubble to be so perfect makes me a difficult person to be around. AND it doesn't allow for surprises or life to interfere. So even though I love my Bubble and it serves a wonderful purpose most of the time, I've had to learn to allow my Bubble to be popped.
Here's how it happens. It's Friday night and I'm in the middle of cleaning or cooking or getting the house ready for the weekend and Jay comes home. He announces that we should drop everything and take our 3 kids out to dinner RIGHT NOW! POP!!!!!!! There goes my Bubble. Now I have to fit in "Get ready, get kids ready, figure out a place to go, go there (with kids) and then get back home" This may not seem like a huge deal to a person without a Bubble but if you have a Bubble you KNOW exactly what I'm talking about. And this POP usually results in one of 3 things. 1. I scramble to pick up all my stuff and cram this other thing in with my bubble. 2. I flip out on Jay for even suggestion something so horrible like going out to dinner with the family. or 3. I say No Way can't do that right now. And no matter what happens I stick to my guns.
Fortunately for my family I have had so many opportunities for my Bubble to be popped that over the years I have learned how to calmly pick it all back up and move on. I am a much more relaxed person that I used to be for sure. And if I could go back to when my older girls were little I wish that I could have let a lot of the things in my Bubble go. But we can't change what's already done.
So now.....when I'm all set up for my Avon Open House....and Jelly spills the pink punch on the Living room carpet at the very last minute before someone walks through my door.....My Bubble still pops. But it's not nearly as traumatic for her as it is for me. I have to say "It's OK" It was an accident and I'm not mad. All while I'm picking up my stuff and putting it back in my Bubble.
Now this doesn't mean that I never freak out when My Bubble Pops. Sometimes it builds....and builds......and then POP!!!! All of a sudden for no apparent reason I am FREAKING OUT on my family and no one is safe from the wrath of my Sparkly Pink Bubble. Everyone thinks I've temporarily gone insane and they start moving faster than you've ever seen in your life. Out of fear mostly.
So. If you have a Bubble feel free to contact me any time to talk Bubble's cuz I think the more we know the better equipped we are to deal with them.
If you LIVE with someone who has a Bubble.....well then I'm sorry. Really. There's nothing you can do. You will pop their Bubble and there will be consequences. But if you are really brave you could occasionally have some fun and Pop their Bubble on purpose. This is a very risky procedure and I cannot guarantee your safety but in the end Popping someone's Bubble might be a loving thing to do for them because it will teach them how to deal with their Bubble. OR they might freak out and attack you with a duster!
The "Coach" Scandal
This is a perfect opportunity to point out a very important problem with the way our society has functioned in the past, how we function now and what we can do better to function in the future.
Dysfunction is the number one problem the human race has. You can point out just about any horrible thing that goes on in society and pretty much it leads back to one main cause....Dysfunction. We all have it. None of us are immune. And it's not just in the United States, it's everywhere.
If you look at racial problems the main dysfunction with African American society goes back to slavery. Now I've heard so many people say "They should be over it by now" or "It's not an excuse to behave badly" Really? Have you ever been a slave? Have you ever had a Grandparent who was a slave? People don't get over things like Slavery overnight, over weeks, over months, over years or even over generations. It takes hard work and dedication to overcome something that is so horrible, I cannot even wrap my brain around it. From this tragedy that people went through all those years ago are born people who are raised by people who went thru it. Then those children grow up and raise more children who didn't go through it but probably have an elder relative who did go through it. And so on......
So even though slavery has been gone for many many years THERE ARE still people who feel the repercussions of what it did and THERE ARE still people who believe it was OK that it happened. This is how the dysfunction survives. It is passed on to our children by us from someone else who gave it to us. Hopefully we are doing everything we can to break the cycle but it's nearly impossible so ANY progress we make as humans is good.
Onto the coaching scandal. Sexual abuse has been going on since the beginning of time. It wasn't very long ago that girls as young as 12 and 14 were being married off by their parents. I cannot even imagine considering this with my girls even for a millisecond......But there are people in this world who really believe in their hearts that they are not doing anything wrong when they put their hands on a child in a sexual way. There are people who know it's wrong but do it anyway. And this too is something that in my opinion has been passed down throughout the generations from one person to another person who either did this kind of behavior OR LOOKED THE OTHER WAY WHILE IT WAS HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why does that last line mean so much to me? Well I believe in my heart of hearts that if a person knows something is going on and they look the other way, they are just as guilty. This brings me to Joe Paterno. In his latest interview he say's "I didn't know how to handle the situation because I'd never been in anything like it before" Ok. I can totally understand that. But "Not knowing how to handle something" is absolutely no excuse for not doing anything about it. He told someone and then just let it go. NOT saying he's to blame. Just saying that every child who was touched after he dropped the ball is on his shoulders. Maybe it was just one child and just one time but that child WILL NEVER EVER be the same and guess what????? The dysfunction continues..........
So. When I'm in a situation where I know something is going on that is wrong and I'm wondering if I should do something about it here's how I know I should. It's that deep ache in the pit of my stomach that follows me around until I'm sick. I can probably do something to "ease" the ache but it's not going anywhere. It's called my heart of hearts and it's telling me that no matter what repercussions "I" may face that I have to do what's right. There is NO excuse for looking the other way. There just isn't one. And I defy anyone to try and find one that can convince me otherwise. I don't think you can.
I've been in this situation many times throughout my life but 3 of them stand out to me.
1. I'm on Facebook with a young relative and she's sending me messages about how mad she is at her parents. Then in her last message she writes "I just want to shoot myself. My Dad has guns all over the house and I know how to use them" Then I can't get a hold of her no matter what I do. I try chatting. I even send her a message that she needs to get a hold of me right away before I call the police. And I try calling. No response. So what do I do? I call the police. What choice do I have at this point? She is too far away for me to go there, which might put me in danger anyway, so I call the police. I KNOW that this is going to cause serious problems for me and some of the people in my family. I also know that my kids probably won't ever see her again due to the anger her parents will feel towards me. And finally I know that she is going to hate me for what I did. I do it anyway. Because at that very moment her life is the only thing on the whole planet that is important to me and it's literally IN MY HANDS!!
2. My daughter tells me I didn't do enough over the past couple of years to help her through some hard times. This is totally true. And what was my excuse? I didn't know what to do!!! Not good enough. If I don't know what to do then I need to find someone who does know what to do. Because not doing anything is like saying I don't love you enough. And the affects are Earth Shattering. And I told her as soon as someone gave me a solution I acted. But I could have acted sooner and I didn't. So I let her down and she knows that I know that. This is how we try and break that cycle of dysfunction.
3. One of my kids comes home from school and tells me that someone is cutting themselves at school. I don't care if they are using a butter knife or a raiser blade I'M RAISING THE ALARM!! Because it doesn't matter to me why this child is cutting. The act of cutting is a huge cry for help. And now my child has been exposed to this horrible behavior and is walking around with bad feelings inside over it. So I call the school RIGHT AWAY and I tattle. And then I tell my daughter to lie about telling me. It's OK. No one needs to know it was her. They just need to know that someone cared enough to tell someone else who could do something about it. They may not like it but maybe if someone is paying attention this person will get help. Maybe not.
Looking the other way. Not knowing how to handle something. Not knowing what to do...just isn't good enough for me. If I'm a grown up than I have a responsibility to take action and find a solution. It's what grown ups do. We are here to protect our kids and everyone else's kids. It's a really crappy job to have to step in and do what inevitably causes uncomfortable feelings and anger but if it protects even one child from one thing that might change their life forever I'm willing to do it.
Dysfunction is the number one problem the human race has. You can point out just about any horrible thing that goes on in society and pretty much it leads back to one main cause....Dysfunction. We all have it. None of us are immune. And it's not just in the United States, it's everywhere.
If you look at racial problems the main dysfunction with African American society goes back to slavery. Now I've heard so many people say "They should be over it by now" or "It's not an excuse to behave badly" Really? Have you ever been a slave? Have you ever had a Grandparent who was a slave? People don't get over things like Slavery overnight, over weeks, over months, over years or even over generations. It takes hard work and dedication to overcome something that is so horrible, I cannot even wrap my brain around it. From this tragedy that people went through all those years ago are born people who are raised by people who went thru it. Then those children grow up and raise more children who didn't go through it but probably have an elder relative who did go through it. And so on......
So even though slavery has been gone for many many years THERE ARE still people who feel the repercussions of what it did and THERE ARE still people who believe it was OK that it happened. This is how the dysfunction survives. It is passed on to our children by us from someone else who gave it to us. Hopefully we are doing everything we can to break the cycle but it's nearly impossible so ANY progress we make as humans is good.
Onto the coaching scandal. Sexual abuse has been going on since the beginning of time. It wasn't very long ago that girls as young as 12 and 14 were being married off by their parents. I cannot even imagine considering this with my girls even for a millisecond......But there are people in this world who really believe in their hearts that they are not doing anything wrong when they put their hands on a child in a sexual way. There are people who know it's wrong but do it anyway. And this too is something that in my opinion has been passed down throughout the generations from one person to another person who either did this kind of behavior OR LOOKED THE OTHER WAY WHILE IT WAS HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why does that last line mean so much to me? Well I believe in my heart of hearts that if a person knows something is going on and they look the other way, they are just as guilty. This brings me to Joe Paterno. In his latest interview he say's "I didn't know how to handle the situation because I'd never been in anything like it before" Ok. I can totally understand that. But "Not knowing how to handle something" is absolutely no excuse for not doing anything about it. He told someone and then just let it go. NOT saying he's to blame. Just saying that every child who was touched after he dropped the ball is on his shoulders. Maybe it was just one child and just one time but that child WILL NEVER EVER be the same and guess what????? The dysfunction continues..........
So. When I'm in a situation where I know something is going on that is wrong and I'm wondering if I should do something about it here's how I know I should. It's that deep ache in the pit of my stomach that follows me around until I'm sick. I can probably do something to "ease" the ache but it's not going anywhere. It's called my heart of hearts and it's telling me that no matter what repercussions "I" may face that I have to do what's right. There is NO excuse for looking the other way. There just isn't one. And I defy anyone to try and find one that can convince me otherwise. I don't think you can.
I've been in this situation many times throughout my life but 3 of them stand out to me.
1. I'm on Facebook with a young relative and she's sending me messages about how mad she is at her parents. Then in her last message she writes "I just want to shoot myself. My Dad has guns all over the house and I know how to use them" Then I can't get a hold of her no matter what I do. I try chatting. I even send her a message that she needs to get a hold of me right away before I call the police. And I try calling. No response. So what do I do? I call the police. What choice do I have at this point? She is too far away for me to go there, which might put me in danger anyway, so I call the police. I KNOW that this is going to cause serious problems for me and some of the people in my family. I also know that my kids probably won't ever see her again due to the anger her parents will feel towards me. And finally I know that she is going to hate me for what I did. I do it anyway. Because at that very moment her life is the only thing on the whole planet that is important to me and it's literally IN MY HANDS!!
2. My daughter tells me I didn't do enough over the past couple of years to help her through some hard times. This is totally true. And what was my excuse? I didn't know what to do!!! Not good enough. If I don't know what to do then I need to find someone who does know what to do. Because not doing anything is like saying I don't love you enough. And the affects are Earth Shattering. And I told her as soon as someone gave me a solution I acted. But I could have acted sooner and I didn't. So I let her down and she knows that I know that. This is how we try and break that cycle of dysfunction.
3. One of my kids comes home from school and tells me that someone is cutting themselves at school. I don't care if they are using a butter knife or a raiser blade I'M RAISING THE ALARM!! Because it doesn't matter to me why this child is cutting. The act of cutting is a huge cry for help. And now my child has been exposed to this horrible behavior and is walking around with bad feelings inside over it. So I call the school RIGHT AWAY and I tattle. And then I tell my daughter to lie about telling me. It's OK. No one needs to know it was her. They just need to know that someone cared enough to tell someone else who could do something about it. They may not like it but maybe if someone is paying attention this person will get help. Maybe not.
Looking the other way. Not knowing how to handle something. Not knowing what to do...just isn't good enough for me. If I'm a grown up than I have a responsibility to take action and find a solution. It's what grown ups do. We are here to protect our kids and everyone else's kids. It's a really crappy job to have to step in and do what inevitably causes uncomfortable feelings and anger but if it protects even one child from one thing that might change their life forever I'm willing to do it.
Friday, January 13, 2012
I'm ALWAYS in trouble.
It's true. I'm a Mom, I'm a wife, I'm a daughter, I'm a sister, I'm a friend, I'm a niece, I'm a WHOLE BUNCH OF THINGS. And no matter what I do or how hard I try to do it right....I'm almost always in trouble with someone. And no matter what my defense is it doesn't matter because to whoever that person is....they are the only person I am responsible to....and if I can't deliver....I'm in trouble. And I wonder why I carry the weight of the World on my shoulders? And end up having to get massages to work out those muscles in my shoulders that are all like "You should be perfect!" and "No matter how someone treats you you should still be there for them" And "Seriously keep trying lady but no matter what you'll never meet up to the expectations"
I can tell myself all day long to chill out. But MY BODY tells the truth. And when I'm in pain it's usually because I'm under pressure. So I have to stop......take a breath....and remind myself that no matter how hard I try I'll never ever be perfect. And on top of that because I am a wife and a Mother I'll most likely be doing something wrong or not meeting expectations. TOTALLY NORMAL!!!!! Like I'm not this completely unique person who is in a class all by myself and my family and the people around me somehow expect me to be a Super Hero. This IS the life of a Woman, a Mother, a Wife. And if there is a Man out there who disagrees.....Honest to Goodness....... I could give a flying FLUFF!!! No one knows this feeling until they are there.
So.....even if World War III has happened in my house the previous evening. I'm expected to completely set it aside, let it go, act like everything is OK......when clearly I AM A WOMAN. And I'm sorry but I haven't let it go...and I am still feeling it....so in the big picture of LIFE....Please let me have my feelings. And don't' make me feel guilty for having them. Because MY feelings are real and no one can argue with them. No one gets to tell me how or when I should or shouldn't feel a certain way.
Now. When it comes to my children clearly I have to be rational about this. They too have a right to their feelings (along with everyone else) However I do sometimes have to set my feelings aside to meet their need BECAUSE they are children and I am the adult. But I am not a fool. These little children of mine are way smarter than I give them credit for most of the time. And their job as children is to get away with as much as possible without facing any consequences. They will pull every single rabbit out of their hat to get what they want. Which is totally normal. Especially if they are raised in an environment where they feel safe. But that does not mean I have to just lay down and let them have everything they want. If I have a blink response to something they want or ask to do there is usually a good reason behind it. And I can share my explanation with them if I want to but really....I don't have to...... but no matter what decision I make, right or wrong, I'm ALWAYS IN TROUBLE.
So this is the cross I bear. And it totally sucks. But it's my reality and if I'm always in trouble I just have to reassure myself that there is a good, valid, totally rational reason why I'm in trouble. And when
I turn it around and look at it from a completely different perspective.....If I'm in trouble then there's a good chance I'm doing something right. Wether it's making sure my kids have boundaries or staying true to myself, it FEELS wrong but it's SO right..........
I can tell myself all day long to chill out. But MY BODY tells the truth. And when I'm in pain it's usually because I'm under pressure. So I have to stop......take a breath....and remind myself that no matter how hard I try I'll never ever be perfect. And on top of that because I am a wife and a Mother I'll most likely be doing something wrong or not meeting expectations. TOTALLY NORMAL!!!!! Like I'm not this completely unique person who is in a class all by myself and my family and the people around me somehow expect me to be a Super Hero. This IS the life of a Woman, a Mother, a Wife. And if there is a Man out there who disagrees.....Honest to Goodness....... I could give a flying FLUFF!!! No one knows this feeling until they are there.
So.....even if World War III has happened in my house the previous evening. I'm expected to completely set it aside, let it go, act like everything is OK......when clearly I AM A WOMAN. And I'm sorry but I haven't let it go...and I am still feeling it....so in the big picture of LIFE....Please let me have my feelings. And don't' make me feel guilty for having them. Because MY feelings are real and no one can argue with them. No one gets to tell me how or when I should or shouldn't feel a certain way.
Now. When it comes to my children clearly I have to be rational about this. They too have a right to their feelings (along with everyone else) However I do sometimes have to set my feelings aside to meet their need BECAUSE they are children and I am the adult. But I am not a fool. These little children of mine are way smarter than I give them credit for most of the time. And their job as children is to get away with as much as possible without facing any consequences. They will pull every single rabbit out of their hat to get what they want. Which is totally normal. Especially if they are raised in an environment where they feel safe. But that does not mean I have to just lay down and let them have everything they want. If I have a blink response to something they want or ask to do there is usually a good reason behind it. And I can share my explanation with them if I want to but really....I don't have to...... but no matter what decision I make, right or wrong, I'm ALWAYS IN TROUBLE.
So this is the cross I bear. And it totally sucks. But it's my reality and if I'm always in trouble I just have to reassure myself that there is a good, valid, totally rational reason why I'm in trouble. And when
I turn it around and look at it from a completely different perspective.....If I'm in trouble then there's a good chance I'm doing something right. Wether it's making sure my kids have boundaries or staying true to myself, it FEELS wrong but it's SO right..........
Saying NO!
As a woman one of the hardest things for me to do is say No to something I know that I either cannot do or if I do it I will over extend myself. Unless of course it's my husband asking for sex and then for some reason the word No rolls off my tongue like I've been saying it my whole life....which is a WHOLE OTHER topic of discussion.
So. When I became a Mother and Kindergarden started of course there was the sign up sheet for all the things that need to be done by all the parents. And of course....eager to please...I signed the sheet every time. How was I to know??????? That before I could even take a breath......my phone would literally be ringing off the hook. And I was running and doing a pleasing and fixing and on and on and on and on. And throughout my first 2 girls school years, for the most part, I did as much as I could and then some. It didn't matter that after Kelsey's Kindergarden Halloween party AND the afternoon class which she wasn't even in but I did anyway because there was no one else to do it.....that I had to go to the doctors office and get a shot of Demerol because my back and neck were so bound up that I couldn't even move without feeling like I was gonna puke. Of course if given the same set of circumstances I would have done exactly the same thing. And even now I would totally step up for a class full of Kindergardeners who don't have a party planned. But as far as putting my name on an open ended sheet of to do's. Not gonna happen.
Let me just say this. When I decided to stay home with my kids (which I am totally over the top and living in la la land lucky to be able to do) I decided to do so because I wanted to be with my kids. I didn't chose this life so that I could sign up for every single extra thing that the PTA wants me to do. Now. I have a tremendous amount of respect for the woman who are on the PTA. If they can accomplish their goals as a stay at home/working Mom and be a PTA Superstar I really really really do think that is fantastic. It's AWE inspiring. I AM NOT THIS MOM!!! And that's O - K. I know my limitations. I know in my heart of hearts what I really want to do. And I'm not at all in the tiniest bit ashamed to admit that I have my hands plenty full enough with my kids to do just about anything else that requires me to commit to something other than my kids. If someone wants to judge me for this than so be it. LIKE I CARE!!! All I care about in the end is that I gave birth to these 3 beautiful girls and FOR ME raising them is my only job until they leave my house and go out into the world on their own. And even then....they will still be my first priority.
So. How did I learn to say no? Well the story goes like this. Kelsey is in 3rd grade. Bizzy is in first grade. And I get asked to run for a position on the PTA. SOMEONE suggested me because I have these massive organizational skills and I'm very dependable. At first I was flattered. Of course. And I said yes I'll run. Then I went to a PTA meeting. And I watched the interaction between the parents and the PTA members. And I knew right away that if I was on the PTA and any single one of those parents talked to me that way that I would promptly stand up and tell them to STFU! Which really isn't what I think the PTA is looking for. But also......for some reason....there was this underlying feeling that it just wasn't the right thing to do. I couldn't quite put my finger on it but it was really bugging me. So I did what every woman does when she's completely overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do and I called my Mommy. And she told me "Just call whoever it is you need to call and tell them something has come up and you can't run for the position" And I did just that. Was it easy? HEWL NO!!! I was sure that there were a whole bunch of people who were mad at me that I didn't even know. But about a week or so later I found out I was pregnant with Jelly. And then the shit hit the fan......
In the first 3 months of any pregnancy I've had or could have had or might still have (I WOULD CASTRATE MY HUSBAND) I am so sick I literally cannot even stand the smell of my own family, dogs, house, outside or anything for that matter. I was so sick with Jelly that my dog Mojo lost 5lbs because I kicked him out of my life for 3 months. He didn't understand but I could smell him from 10 feet away and it made me sick. I laid in bed for 3 months. No food. No TV. No No No No No nothing. HOWEVER I had still signed up on that list of things to do for the PTA. So my phone was constantly ringing off the hook. And BLESS HER HEART the gal who was the PTA president was so understanding and totally let me off the hook. But it wasn't just her. There's all these other people who are assigned to all the different comities and they still have my name on their list so they still call. And can I just tell you that I got so good at saying No that you would think I'd literally came out of the womb saying that word. Because why on Earth would I say Yes? I knew I couldn't do what they wanted. I knew I'd either have to back out at the last minute or puke on someone if I showed up. So I learned to say no. And it was a wonderful thing. My 3rd child, Jelly, has given me many gifts and that was one of them.
I use the PTA sign up sheet school thing as an example because it really is extreme. However the opportunity to say No presents itself all the time. And I do not hesitate to say it. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful friends who want me to come out and celebrate things with them all the time. And if it's really really important I will bend over backwards to clear my schedule and make it a priority. But there are sometimes that I can't. AND THAT'S OK. Of course I feel bad but if I am over extending myself or my kid is sick or I can't find a babysitter it's out of my control. Even if it isn't out of my control and I just know that it's not something I can add to my hectic schedule it's OK. If we are really friends then they will understand. I KNOW I would do the same for any single one of my friends or family.
So if you are my friend and I ask you to come or invite you to join and for whatever reason you can't be here just tell me NO. I totally respect that word and I don't even need an excuse. Whatever your excuse is it's important to me because you need to take care of yourself and your family first. I DO nag and nag and nag and nag but if you tell me No I will hear you. Don't tell me maybe or we'll see. Just make the decision and take care of yourself. That's what I would want you to do. It doesn't mean I won't miss you cuz you know I will. But you taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for our friendship. And as far as the PTA goes BELIEVE ME if you and I can't make it, there is someone who can. And when my kids are older and I'm not on call all afternoon or all day then I will definitely step up. But until then I know that I can only do what I can do without having to crack open a bottle of vodka or end up in the Psych ward hopped up on Xanax. It's who I am and I totally accept myself that way. Life is just too short not too.
It's O K to say NO. Just make sure you say it to me RIGHT AWAY so you don't have to endure my relentless nagging. Because along with all my other talents nagging is one of my most highly tuned abilities. :D
So. When I became a Mother and Kindergarden started of course there was the sign up sheet for all the things that need to be done by all the parents. And of course....eager to please...I signed the sheet every time. How was I to know??????? That before I could even take a breath......my phone would literally be ringing off the hook. And I was running and doing a pleasing and fixing and on and on and on and on. And throughout my first 2 girls school years, for the most part, I did as much as I could and then some. It didn't matter that after Kelsey's Kindergarden Halloween party AND the afternoon class which she wasn't even in but I did anyway because there was no one else to do it.....that I had to go to the doctors office and get a shot of Demerol because my back and neck were so bound up that I couldn't even move without feeling like I was gonna puke. Of course if given the same set of circumstances I would have done exactly the same thing. And even now I would totally step up for a class full of Kindergardeners who don't have a party planned. But as far as putting my name on an open ended sheet of to do's. Not gonna happen.
Let me just say this. When I decided to stay home with my kids (which I am totally over the top and living in la la land lucky to be able to do) I decided to do so because I wanted to be with my kids. I didn't chose this life so that I could sign up for every single extra thing that the PTA wants me to do. Now. I have a tremendous amount of respect for the woman who are on the PTA. If they can accomplish their goals as a stay at home/working Mom and be a PTA Superstar I really really really do think that is fantastic. It's AWE inspiring. I AM NOT THIS MOM!!! And that's O - K. I know my limitations. I know in my heart of hearts what I really want to do. And I'm not at all in the tiniest bit ashamed to admit that I have my hands plenty full enough with my kids to do just about anything else that requires me to commit to something other than my kids. If someone wants to judge me for this than so be it. LIKE I CARE!!! All I care about in the end is that I gave birth to these 3 beautiful girls and FOR ME raising them is my only job until they leave my house and go out into the world on their own. And even then....they will still be my first priority.
So. How did I learn to say no? Well the story goes like this. Kelsey is in 3rd grade. Bizzy is in first grade. And I get asked to run for a position on the PTA. SOMEONE suggested me because I have these massive organizational skills and I'm very dependable. At first I was flattered. Of course. And I said yes I'll run. Then I went to a PTA meeting. And I watched the interaction between the parents and the PTA members. And I knew right away that if I was on the PTA and any single one of those parents talked to me that way that I would promptly stand up and tell them to STFU! Which really isn't what I think the PTA is looking for. But also......for some reason....there was this underlying feeling that it just wasn't the right thing to do. I couldn't quite put my finger on it but it was really bugging me. So I did what every woman does when she's completely overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do and I called my Mommy. And she told me "Just call whoever it is you need to call and tell them something has come up and you can't run for the position" And I did just that. Was it easy? HEWL NO!!! I was sure that there were a whole bunch of people who were mad at me that I didn't even know. But about a week or so later I found out I was pregnant with Jelly. And then the shit hit the fan......
In the first 3 months of any pregnancy I've had or could have had or might still have (I WOULD CASTRATE MY HUSBAND) I am so sick I literally cannot even stand the smell of my own family, dogs, house, outside or anything for that matter. I was so sick with Jelly that my dog Mojo lost 5lbs because I kicked him out of my life for 3 months. He didn't understand but I could smell him from 10 feet away and it made me sick. I laid in bed for 3 months. No food. No TV. No No No No No nothing. HOWEVER I had still signed up on that list of things to do for the PTA. So my phone was constantly ringing off the hook. And BLESS HER HEART the gal who was the PTA president was so understanding and totally let me off the hook. But it wasn't just her. There's all these other people who are assigned to all the different comities and they still have my name on their list so they still call. And can I just tell you that I got so good at saying No that you would think I'd literally came out of the womb saying that word. Because why on Earth would I say Yes? I knew I couldn't do what they wanted. I knew I'd either have to back out at the last minute or puke on someone if I showed up. So I learned to say no. And it was a wonderful thing. My 3rd child, Jelly, has given me many gifts and that was one of them.
I use the PTA sign up sheet school thing as an example because it really is extreme. However the opportunity to say No presents itself all the time. And I do not hesitate to say it. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful friends who want me to come out and celebrate things with them all the time. And if it's really really important I will bend over backwards to clear my schedule and make it a priority. But there are sometimes that I can't. AND THAT'S OK. Of course I feel bad but if I am over extending myself or my kid is sick or I can't find a babysitter it's out of my control. Even if it isn't out of my control and I just know that it's not something I can add to my hectic schedule it's OK. If we are really friends then they will understand. I KNOW I would do the same for any single one of my friends or family.
So if you are my friend and I ask you to come or invite you to join and for whatever reason you can't be here just tell me NO. I totally respect that word and I don't even need an excuse. Whatever your excuse is it's important to me because you need to take care of yourself and your family first. I DO nag and nag and nag and nag but if you tell me No I will hear you. Don't tell me maybe or we'll see. Just make the decision and take care of yourself. That's what I would want you to do. It doesn't mean I won't miss you cuz you know I will. But you taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for our friendship. And as far as the PTA goes BELIEVE ME if you and I can't make it, there is someone who can. And when my kids are older and I'm not on call all afternoon or all day then I will definitely step up. But until then I know that I can only do what I can do without having to crack open a bottle of vodka or end up in the Psych ward hopped up on Xanax. It's who I am and I totally accept myself that way. Life is just too short not too.
It's O K to say NO. Just make sure you say it to me RIGHT AWAY so you don't have to endure my relentless nagging. Because along with all my other talents nagging is one of my most highly tuned abilities. :D
Don't Argue with ANYONE who's drunk!
OK most in most of my blogs I will try as much as I can to refer to myself. I don't, I do, I like, I don't like......In this blog I will be talking to YOU. Again I must emphasize that I am not telling you what to do or think. I'm just telling you, from my experience, what I think your best options are.
Now. If I had a top ten list of things to advise newly married couples this one would be number 1. Here's the deal. You cannot argue with someone who is drunk. Well you CAN argue with them but it is literally the biggest waste of time in your life except for maybe sitting and staring at a blank wall willing it to change colors or open up a magic door or turn into a giant marshmallow. You CAN do it but you will never get the result you are "looking" for.
Here's why. Drunk people are idiots. Wether they are a happy drunk, a mean drunk, a depressed drunk or an obnoxious drunk......they are an idiot. This includes me. I'm not at all immune to this dilemma. So no matter what you say or do, a drunk person is never going to see it from your point of view. You could have scientific data sitting in front of you that is signed by the President of the United States of America AND the American Surgeon General that says "Yes, the sky is blue" Or "Yes you absolutely need air to survive" Or "No you cannot eat rat poison without dying" It does not matter what you are arguing about. The drunk person is ALWAYS RIGHT. AND the more you try to argue with them the worse it gets.
Now. I've known this for a very long time but I still get sucked into this situation from time to time. For instance if my husband is drunk and I don't like something he's doing or saying and I try to stop him I KNOW we are going to argue. Iiiiiiii Dooooooooo it Anyyyywaaaaaaayyyyy. Not all the time but yes oh yes I do. And usually by the time he falls asleep I'm so mad at him I literally want to beat him with a pillow and wake him up over and over and over again until I'm sure that he is going to lose as much sleep as I am over whatever it is we were arguing about.
Sometimes this argument pops up unexpectedly and the next thing you know you are willing your husband to turn into a giant marshmallow so you can melt him into a rice krispie treat and then feed him to the dog.
These are temporary moments of insanity. Wether you are the drunk person or the one arguing with the drunk person.......you're temporarily insane. So what do you do? Well you just don't argue with them. You have to get away and quickly. If you can't get away then you have to use your imagination. You can stick a whole pack of bubble gum in your mouth so you can't say anything back. If you don't have bubble gum you can sit there and try to picture them walking into work the next day with a giant booger hanging out of their nose. But whatever you do......DONT ARGUE WITH THIS PERSON!!! You CANNOT WIN. Even if you are winning.
Now. There are some very important exceptions to this rule. If this person is in danger or putting someone else in danger than you of course are obligated to do whatever it takes to prevent anyone from getting hurt. You might have to call the police. You might have to take their keys away from them. You might have to tie their hands behind their back and stuff the Bubble Gum in their mouth. Whatever it is if you have to take extreme measures to keep people safe that's OK.
But if it's just you and this person arguing about something that is either VERY important to both of you such as your kids, or something that's not as important like peeing on someone else's Pear tree, it's not worth the time and the anger you will feel. Just wait til the next day.
Now. If I had a top ten list of things to advise newly married couples this one would be number 1. Here's the deal. You cannot argue with someone who is drunk. Well you CAN argue with them but it is literally the biggest waste of time in your life except for maybe sitting and staring at a blank wall willing it to change colors or open up a magic door or turn into a giant marshmallow. You CAN do it but you will never get the result you are "looking" for.
Here's why. Drunk people are idiots. Wether they are a happy drunk, a mean drunk, a depressed drunk or an obnoxious drunk......they are an idiot. This includes me. I'm not at all immune to this dilemma. So no matter what you say or do, a drunk person is never going to see it from your point of view. You could have scientific data sitting in front of you that is signed by the President of the United States of America AND the American Surgeon General that says "Yes, the sky is blue" Or "Yes you absolutely need air to survive" Or "No you cannot eat rat poison without dying" It does not matter what you are arguing about. The drunk person is ALWAYS RIGHT. AND the more you try to argue with them the worse it gets.
Now. I've known this for a very long time but I still get sucked into this situation from time to time. For instance if my husband is drunk and I don't like something he's doing or saying and I try to stop him I KNOW we are going to argue. Iiiiiiii Dooooooooo it Anyyyywaaaaaaayyyyy. Not all the time but yes oh yes I do. And usually by the time he falls asleep I'm so mad at him I literally want to beat him with a pillow and wake him up over and over and over again until I'm sure that he is going to lose as much sleep as I am over whatever it is we were arguing about.
Sometimes this argument pops up unexpectedly and the next thing you know you are willing your husband to turn into a giant marshmallow so you can melt him into a rice krispie treat and then feed him to the dog.
These are temporary moments of insanity. Wether you are the drunk person or the one arguing with the drunk person.......you're temporarily insane. So what do you do? Well you just don't argue with them. You have to get away and quickly. If you can't get away then you have to use your imagination. You can stick a whole pack of bubble gum in your mouth so you can't say anything back. If you don't have bubble gum you can sit there and try to picture them walking into work the next day with a giant booger hanging out of their nose. But whatever you do......DONT ARGUE WITH THIS PERSON!!! You CANNOT WIN. Even if you are winning.
Now. There are some very important exceptions to this rule. If this person is in danger or putting someone else in danger than you of course are obligated to do whatever it takes to prevent anyone from getting hurt. You might have to call the police. You might have to take their keys away from them. You might have to tie their hands behind their back and stuff the Bubble Gum in their mouth. Whatever it is if you have to take extreme measures to keep people safe that's OK.
But if it's just you and this person arguing about something that is either VERY important to both of you such as your kids, or something that's not as important like peeing on someone else's Pear tree, it's not worth the time and the anger you will feel. Just wait til the next day.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
DON'T blog drunk!!!
OK really? Do I need to add to this? Nope. I'm pretty sure the title says it all. And just in case you feel the urge just remember there is a tomorrow and there will be consequences.
Thank you please drive thru........
Thank you please drive thru........
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Spanking and My SuperPower
Yesterday on Kathi Lee and Hoda they talked about spanking. They said things like "There's a difference between spanking and beating your kid". "If your kid is getting ready to run into the street and you LOSE CONTROL and swat them on the butt it's different". "If you smack their hand before they reach out and touch the stove or something hot to keep them from getting burned it's OK".
Now. I KNOW this is a very controversial subject. I am not here to say that it's right or wrong. I'm just here to tell you how I feel about it and why. I was spanked as a child and I know many other people who were spanked and most everyone tells me "I'm OK" And that's just fine.
Here's my opinion. I tried spanking with my first child. It did not make me feel good and to be honest I didn't get any positive results for it. So I stopped. At the time I wasn't sure what to do in place of spanking but I knew that it wasn't the answer. Now that I have 3 kids I've realized that for my family there are answers.
1. Stay in control. If I "Lose Control" and swat my child then I am no longer being the Parent. I'm not gonna sit here and lie and act like this hasn't happened to me before because it absolutely has. I'm just saying that if I get to that point I've lost all my power. I'm now at their level and not only are they scared because I've hit them but they are scared because I've lost control. I am the Parent and my job is to keep them safe. If I lose control they no longer feel safe anywhere.
2. Consistency. Once I decide on a proper punishment for any kind of behavior I need to be consistent and follow through. This is where I think I fail the most. It's hard to keep track of 3 kids and be able to be consistent about anything. So when they are doing anything that needs to be punished there is usually a lot of other stuff going on that distracts me. So I have to focus. Drop everything that I'm doing because there's no way it's more important than teaching my child how to behave, punish them, and follow thru.
3. Discuss. Then I have to talk to them about it. Why are you in trouble? What did you do? Own up to your part even if your sisters were involved. Kids these days do not know how to take responsibility for their own actions. If you tell them the repercussions and give them the guilt of what their actions may cause it's more powerful than any quick spanking. You need to tap into their conscience. They have one but if they are never forced to face it they learn that hurting others is OK and they never feel the pain of it.
Along with the fact that spanking a young child is super scary for them think about this.....what are your plans for when they get big? When they are 8, 10, 12.....16? Are you still going to be able to put them over your knee and spank them? Are they going to fight back? Are you going to just slap them in the face? At this point you are going to jail if you leave a mark and I can assure you that at some point most kids are going to struggle and fight back. So what is your plan after spanking?
Also I wonder how is my child going to feel about me later? It's easy to be the big bully who throws my weight around when they are little but what about when they grow up? Do I want them to like me when they grow up? Or do I want them to be carrying around this anger and resentment for all the times that I hit them when they were too little to defend themselves? I mean really I am going to make a bajillion mistakes for them to be mad at me for when they are adults. Why on Earth would I choose to do something that I don't have to do to add to that anger?
I do not spank my kids anymore. I tried it with my older daughter and stopped. I may have lost control a few times over the years and swatted them but I always feel horrible after and promptly apologize. And I can honestly say that my kids are scared of Mama Lisa. I don't know why exactly. It's not like I'm going to beat them to death and bury them in the back yard. But somehow they know that I mean business when they do something wrong. I WILL follow through with the punishment and they WILL feel the guilt and disappointment for whatever it is that they did wrong.
Jelly has never been spanked. She was sitting on the floor yesterday rhyming words. In the process of her out loud rhyming she said the word "dam" I looked up to see her head swivel around at light speed and our eyes met. She was scared. I'm not sure what she thought I would do but I told her it was OK. I knew she didn't mean to say a bad word. It didn't even occur to me at the time to tell her that there were 2 words and one was OK to say. Her Daddy had to clear that up for both of us. But my point is that I've never spanked this child and somehow she knew that she had crossed a line and was immediately worried about the consequences.
What are the consequences? Well it depends on what I decide. For Jelly it's mostly a time out. And I have to follow through. I can't just sit there and say Your Gonna Get. She has to the count of 3 and then it's ON. For the older girls it is getting grounded, losing their phone, losing internet privileges or not getting to do something they were expecting to be able to do. And it sucks to take things away from my kids. I feel the pain of it as well. But that's part of my job. I have to set my feelings aside and do it anyway.
My middle child tells me that when she's in trouble for something she feels like we don't like her. I understand that and I assure her that there is NOTHING that she could ever do to make me stop liking her or loving her. However I do not have to like the things that she does. And I do feel disappointment when she does something she knows is wrong. This is a powerful thing. Children will always look first to their parent for approval. No matter how much they are liked by the rest of the world the most important people to them are their parents. Even as adults we still seek acceptance from our parents. So this is MY SUPERPOWER. If I am disappointed with one of my children they feel that much more than any physical thing I could do to them. And it has a much longer lasting affect.
One more thing to consider is Real Life Consequences. As my children grow up and go to school and into the world to work what are the consequences going to be for them if the mess up? Yes if they mouth off to the wrong person they might get beat up. But in school is someone going to hit them if they misbehave? At work are they going to get beat up for being late or making a mistake? No they are most likely going to face a real consequence like getting kicked out of school or getting fired. If they know what a real life consequence is than they won't be surprised when these things happen and likely they will do whatever they need to in order to avoid it.
We all need to find what works for us when disciplining our children. And there are many ways to do it without spanking. There are also many books, classes and helpers out there who can help us learn another way. For me there is no excuse ever to hit my kid. If they are reaching for the burner on the stove then I may yell to get their attention but if they get burned than they will know not to do it again. If they are running into the street then I haven't properly taught them the rules of not running into the street OR they are too young to know better and I should be making sure they don't run into the street. It's MY responsibility to teach them and keep them safe. Not theirs. It's hard work and I'm telling you right now that I never saw it coming. I thought "OOOoooooo babies, love love love...." and then BAM!!! They get a mind of their own!!! That's where the work begins. It's called tough love and it's the best thing I can give my girls.
I listed 3 things earlier. Control, Consistency and Discuss. I think all of these things are extremely important but if I had to pick one I would pick control. Because once you lose control the other 2 are harder to get back to. As a mother of older children who then had a baby I was given a gift. First I was older. And second I was more patient and wiser. With Jelly I've learned that my reaction directly affects her behavior. LORD IF I HAD KNOWN THIS SOONER!!!!!!! So when Jelly has a tantrum, no matter where it is or how bad it is. I have to maintain control. I cannot react to her tantrum. I cannot yell at her tantrum. I cannot spank her tantrum. I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HER TANTRUM!! So I have to control myself. If we are in public (which has only happened once with her by the way) then I would simply remover her from wherever we are and take her to the car or a place where she can have her tantrum. Go ahead. Have it. I'm going to sit here and look at my watch until your done. Just let me know when it's over so we can get on about our day. If we are at home I just ignore it. And she knows that. I'm not going to give in to her tantrum. Or give her attention for her tantrum. After a tantrum I have to consider why? Is she tired? Did she have a bad day at school? Does she need some hugs and lovin to make her feel better? A tantrum isn't always a "bad kid" It is a kid who most likely needs a little extra good attention for a minute to reassure them that first it's OK to lose it and second that no matter what you do I'll still love you. It's still not OK to behave that way but it's understandable and maybe next time you can just let me know you need something. My goodness I am 42 years old and I still have temper tantrums!!!
This is also a very difficult task when you have a tweener or a teenager. Especially because they know everything and I know nothing. Usually the behavior is something like sarcasm or mouthing off and being disrespectful to me. At which time I would like to just flip out and let them hear all the bad words that know. AND SOMETIMES I DO!!!! But mostly I still need to be in control. If I am sarcastic back to them than I am all of the sudden a teenager and I've lost my power. Also getting down to their level and being mean or sarcastic is hurtful to them. They get picked on and treated this way at school. If I do it to them I'm just being one of the "mean kids" If I yell or say bad words than they are defensive and afraid. So I have to put my Big Girl Panties on and maintain control. In situations where my older girls are misbehaving or acting out I try to stop and ask myself "How would I deal with Jelly the 4 year older if this was happening?" And usually the answer is the same. Maintain Control. We do not reward bad behavior with ANY kind of attention. We ignore it, find out what the source is and then deal with it accordingly. And that gift that Jelly gave me has probably saved my relationship with my oldest daughter because for a long time we were in a nasty pattern of behavior. ALL MY FAULT! Once I realized that my behavior was making her behavior worse I felt sad and disappointed in myself and I've told Kelsey over and over and over again that I'm sorry and that if I could take it all back I would. I have given her permission to be as mad at me as she wants to get it all out of her. I don't know if it will ever be OK but I know that I'm trying and I know that she knows that I'm trying.
It's never too late to make it right. No matter what I've done I can always fix it NOW and make amends for it. And I can tell you that one of the most powerful things you can do as a parent is admit when your wrong to your child. I was wrong for spanking my child. I was wrong for not maintaining control when I needed to be the grown up. It doesn't matter to me what other people think because my kids go to school and they behave. I take them in public and they behave. They are by no means perfect but I've never had to go to any school for bad behavior. They do misbehave for me. But that's OK. It's where they are suppose to push the boundaries. And it's also where they know they are in a safe environment to do so. Doesn't mean they won't get in trouble but they know they won't get hurt.
Now. I KNOW this is a very controversial subject. I am not here to say that it's right or wrong. I'm just here to tell you how I feel about it and why. I was spanked as a child and I know many other people who were spanked and most everyone tells me "I'm OK" And that's just fine.
Here's my opinion. I tried spanking with my first child. It did not make me feel good and to be honest I didn't get any positive results for it. So I stopped. At the time I wasn't sure what to do in place of spanking but I knew that it wasn't the answer. Now that I have 3 kids I've realized that for my family there are answers.
1. Stay in control. If I "Lose Control" and swat my child then I am no longer being the Parent. I'm not gonna sit here and lie and act like this hasn't happened to me before because it absolutely has. I'm just saying that if I get to that point I've lost all my power. I'm now at their level and not only are they scared because I've hit them but they are scared because I've lost control. I am the Parent and my job is to keep them safe. If I lose control they no longer feel safe anywhere.
2. Consistency. Once I decide on a proper punishment for any kind of behavior I need to be consistent and follow through. This is where I think I fail the most. It's hard to keep track of 3 kids and be able to be consistent about anything. So when they are doing anything that needs to be punished there is usually a lot of other stuff going on that distracts me. So I have to focus. Drop everything that I'm doing because there's no way it's more important than teaching my child how to behave, punish them, and follow thru.
3. Discuss. Then I have to talk to them about it. Why are you in trouble? What did you do? Own up to your part even if your sisters were involved. Kids these days do not know how to take responsibility for their own actions. If you tell them the repercussions and give them the guilt of what their actions may cause it's more powerful than any quick spanking. You need to tap into their conscience. They have one but if they are never forced to face it they learn that hurting others is OK and they never feel the pain of it.
Along with the fact that spanking a young child is super scary for them think about this.....what are your plans for when they get big? When they are 8, 10, 12.....16? Are you still going to be able to put them over your knee and spank them? Are they going to fight back? Are you going to just slap them in the face? At this point you are going to jail if you leave a mark and I can assure you that at some point most kids are going to struggle and fight back. So what is your plan after spanking?
Also I wonder how is my child going to feel about me later? It's easy to be the big bully who throws my weight around when they are little but what about when they grow up? Do I want them to like me when they grow up? Or do I want them to be carrying around this anger and resentment for all the times that I hit them when they were too little to defend themselves? I mean really I am going to make a bajillion mistakes for them to be mad at me for when they are adults. Why on Earth would I choose to do something that I don't have to do to add to that anger?
I do not spank my kids anymore. I tried it with my older daughter and stopped. I may have lost control a few times over the years and swatted them but I always feel horrible after and promptly apologize. And I can honestly say that my kids are scared of Mama Lisa. I don't know why exactly. It's not like I'm going to beat them to death and bury them in the back yard. But somehow they know that I mean business when they do something wrong. I WILL follow through with the punishment and they WILL feel the guilt and disappointment for whatever it is that they did wrong.
Jelly has never been spanked. She was sitting on the floor yesterday rhyming words. In the process of her out loud rhyming she said the word "dam" I looked up to see her head swivel around at light speed and our eyes met. She was scared. I'm not sure what she thought I would do but I told her it was OK. I knew she didn't mean to say a bad word. It didn't even occur to me at the time to tell her that there were 2 words and one was OK to say. Her Daddy had to clear that up for both of us. But my point is that I've never spanked this child and somehow she knew that she had crossed a line and was immediately worried about the consequences.
What are the consequences? Well it depends on what I decide. For Jelly it's mostly a time out. And I have to follow through. I can't just sit there and say Your Gonna Get. She has to the count of 3 and then it's ON. For the older girls it is getting grounded, losing their phone, losing internet privileges or not getting to do something they were expecting to be able to do. And it sucks to take things away from my kids. I feel the pain of it as well. But that's part of my job. I have to set my feelings aside and do it anyway.
My middle child tells me that when she's in trouble for something she feels like we don't like her. I understand that and I assure her that there is NOTHING that she could ever do to make me stop liking her or loving her. However I do not have to like the things that she does. And I do feel disappointment when she does something she knows is wrong. This is a powerful thing. Children will always look first to their parent for approval. No matter how much they are liked by the rest of the world the most important people to them are their parents. Even as adults we still seek acceptance from our parents. So this is MY SUPERPOWER. If I am disappointed with one of my children they feel that much more than any physical thing I could do to them. And it has a much longer lasting affect.
One more thing to consider is Real Life Consequences. As my children grow up and go to school and into the world to work what are the consequences going to be for them if the mess up? Yes if they mouth off to the wrong person they might get beat up. But in school is someone going to hit them if they misbehave? At work are they going to get beat up for being late or making a mistake? No they are most likely going to face a real consequence like getting kicked out of school or getting fired. If they know what a real life consequence is than they won't be surprised when these things happen and likely they will do whatever they need to in order to avoid it.
We all need to find what works for us when disciplining our children. And there are many ways to do it without spanking. There are also many books, classes and helpers out there who can help us learn another way. For me there is no excuse ever to hit my kid. If they are reaching for the burner on the stove then I may yell to get their attention but if they get burned than they will know not to do it again. If they are running into the street then I haven't properly taught them the rules of not running into the street OR they are too young to know better and I should be making sure they don't run into the street. It's MY responsibility to teach them and keep them safe. Not theirs. It's hard work and I'm telling you right now that I never saw it coming. I thought "OOOoooooo babies, love love love...." and then BAM!!! They get a mind of their own!!! That's where the work begins. It's called tough love and it's the best thing I can give my girls.
I listed 3 things earlier. Control, Consistency and Discuss. I think all of these things are extremely important but if I had to pick one I would pick control. Because once you lose control the other 2 are harder to get back to. As a mother of older children who then had a baby I was given a gift. First I was older. And second I was more patient and wiser. With Jelly I've learned that my reaction directly affects her behavior. LORD IF I HAD KNOWN THIS SOONER!!!!!!! So when Jelly has a tantrum, no matter where it is or how bad it is. I have to maintain control. I cannot react to her tantrum. I cannot yell at her tantrum. I cannot spank her tantrum. I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HER TANTRUM!! So I have to control myself. If we are in public (which has only happened once with her by the way) then I would simply remover her from wherever we are and take her to the car or a place where she can have her tantrum. Go ahead. Have it. I'm going to sit here and look at my watch until your done. Just let me know when it's over so we can get on about our day. If we are at home I just ignore it. And she knows that. I'm not going to give in to her tantrum. Or give her attention for her tantrum. After a tantrum I have to consider why? Is she tired? Did she have a bad day at school? Does she need some hugs and lovin to make her feel better? A tantrum isn't always a "bad kid" It is a kid who most likely needs a little extra good attention for a minute to reassure them that first it's OK to lose it and second that no matter what you do I'll still love you. It's still not OK to behave that way but it's understandable and maybe next time you can just let me know you need something. My goodness I am 42 years old and I still have temper tantrums!!!
This is also a very difficult task when you have a tweener or a teenager. Especially because they know everything and I know nothing. Usually the behavior is something like sarcasm or mouthing off and being disrespectful to me. At which time I would like to just flip out and let them hear all the bad words that know. AND SOMETIMES I DO!!!! But mostly I still need to be in control. If I am sarcastic back to them than I am all of the sudden a teenager and I've lost my power. Also getting down to their level and being mean or sarcastic is hurtful to them. They get picked on and treated this way at school. If I do it to them I'm just being one of the "mean kids" If I yell or say bad words than they are defensive and afraid. So I have to put my Big Girl Panties on and maintain control. In situations where my older girls are misbehaving or acting out I try to stop and ask myself "How would I deal with Jelly the 4 year older if this was happening?" And usually the answer is the same. Maintain Control. We do not reward bad behavior with ANY kind of attention. We ignore it, find out what the source is and then deal with it accordingly. And that gift that Jelly gave me has probably saved my relationship with my oldest daughter because for a long time we were in a nasty pattern of behavior. ALL MY FAULT! Once I realized that my behavior was making her behavior worse I felt sad and disappointed in myself and I've told Kelsey over and over and over again that I'm sorry and that if I could take it all back I would. I have given her permission to be as mad at me as she wants to get it all out of her. I don't know if it will ever be OK but I know that I'm trying and I know that she knows that I'm trying.
It's never too late to make it right. No matter what I've done I can always fix it NOW and make amends for it. And I can tell you that one of the most powerful things you can do as a parent is admit when your wrong to your child. I was wrong for spanking my child. I was wrong for not maintaining control when I needed to be the grown up. It doesn't matter to me what other people think because my kids go to school and they behave. I take them in public and they behave. They are by no means perfect but I've never had to go to any school for bad behavior. They do misbehave for me. But that's OK. It's where they are suppose to push the boundaries. And it's also where they know they are in a safe environment to do so. Doesn't mean they won't get in trouble but they know they won't get hurt.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Holding a grudge
Well if I had known then what I know now I would have been a much happier person. There is nothing more annoying than going to bed at night and being mad at someone. Someone who likely doesn't even know I am mad about whatever it is that they did. This is like opening my brain and saying "Come on and live rent free in here!!" The only good thing I might get out of holding a grudge is a good workout.
Now I've known this for a long time but putting it into practice is a whole other thing. A couple of years ago I found out something that someone said about me and I was pissed. Like every night for 2 months couldn't get it outta my head pissed. Then I realized that if I was that mad about it maybe I needed to look at what it was that was said about me. And so I did. And once I admitted that it was the truth I was set free.
This has happened to me several times in my life. Usually there is some sort of argument or I've said or done something wrong. My first instinct is always to rationalize my behavior and try to prove that I'm right. This is totally normal but it's also a total waste of time. I am spending valuable time trying to "prove" that I have a "right" to be mad. The only thing that will make me feel better is to own my part in it, apologize if it's appropriate, and move on. And maybe the apology won't be accepted. Or maybe the other person doesn't want to hear and and just shhhhsssshhhhsssshhh's me. "Oh it's not that big a deal I'm over it" OK well it's still important to clear things up because I will heal myself and that other person WILL hear me and at least know I tried. People do get uncomfortable with the truth but in the end the discomfort is worth it.
The disclaimer here is that of course if you've been wronged in a horrendous unthinkable way that I really don't even need to describe because we all know what I'm talking about. This is something that I've had experience with but I cannot tell another person how to feel. I can only reference what I said before about the rent free part. No matter how big the wrong is......do I really want this horrible person to have control over the rest of my life?
If someone says or does something that bothers me so much that I hold onto it, likely harming Myself and the people around me, then maybe I need to look at WHY it bothers me so much. If there isn't a why then I need to move on. It's not worth the damage it causing to me and the people I love. And there is a pretty good chance that this person IS NOT thinking about me. They are living inside of my brain for FREE. Except for the damages I have to pay.
OK so if you are the kind of person or live with someone who has to get even then you should take the advice of my good friends husband and wait a year........... ;-D
Sleepovers and such....
OK Here we go.....Again I must stress that everything I blog about is my opinion. I am not here to change anyones mind or make anyone feel bad about what they do. I just want others who feel the way I do to know they aren't alone......
Sleepovers might be the worst thing I've ever had to deal with as a parent. I am not a fan. The social pressure is intense for me to let my kids spend the night at other kids houses though.
I'm gonna make this short and to the point. Sleepovers were almost never a good experience for me. I can only point to one friend who I stayed over night with where something that made me uncomfortable didn't happen. Other than family.
So. Just because my kid knows your kid does not mean that my kid can stay at your house. I made up excuses for years to avoid this. I have spent their whole lives telling my kids not to talk to strangers. When I let my kid stay at another kids house and I don't REALLY know the parents....for me it's like opening a car door with a strange man inside and putting my child in the front seat to go for a quick ride. This does not mean I think all other parents are bad. I just don't know them. And I think it's totally ridiculous for anyone to be pressured into leaving their child overnight at a home with people they don't know.
Sleepovers might be the worst thing I've ever had to deal with as a parent. I am not a fan. The social pressure is intense for me to let my kids spend the night at other kids houses though.
I'm gonna make this short and to the point. Sleepovers were almost never a good experience for me. I can only point to one friend who I stayed over night with where something that made me uncomfortable didn't happen. Other than family.
So. Just because my kid knows your kid does not mean that my kid can stay at your house. I made up excuses for years to avoid this. I have spent their whole lives telling my kids not to talk to strangers. When I let my kid stay at another kids house and I don't REALLY know the parents....for me it's like opening a car door with a strange man inside and putting my child in the front seat to go for a quick ride. This does not mean I think all other parents are bad. I just don't know them. And I think it's totally ridiculous for anyone to be pressured into leaving their child overnight at a home with people they don't know.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Comfortable in my own skin......
If I could bottle this magic and sell it to Woman I'd be rich and giving all my money to the homeless......OK Here's the deal. When I hit 40 (Which is an awesome age by the way) it was like my fairy Godmother came and waved a magic wand over my head with pink sparkles and pretty bubbles. All of the sudden I was totally comfortable in my own skin. What I mean is that I feel more confidant, more secure, happier with who I am and less "aware" of who's looking at me and who's not. I am way less intimidated by others than I ever was. Although most people who know me well would never believe that I could ever be intimidated. I absolutely could........
I turned 40 in Hawaii. Jay won a trip and off we went to Hawaii for both our birthdays. My biggest concerns of course was leaving the kids AND flying over the Ocean for 8 hours to get there. (This does not fit into my safety bubble!!!!!!!!!) However I was not as worried about how I looked and who I would meet. I planned the best I could and when I got there I had the best time!! I couldn't believe all the different people from all over the world. And I had to ask myself what is it about me that makes me think that somehow I stand out from all the rest? That I am so sure that EVERYONE is looking at me and what I'm wearing or how I'm acting or what I say? Why on Earth do I think I'm so special? Not that I'm not special. We are all special. But the point is that if there is a group of people huddled in a corner of the room at a party whispering there is a pretty high probability that I am not the person they are discussing. What part of my Ego makes me think that out of all the people in the room I am the most important one that they would be over there making fun of or gossiping about???????
As Woman we especially carry this with us through our 20's and 30's. And it's awful how we run around feeling intimidated because "She's prettier" or "She's skinnier" or "She's got 4 kids and is a more experienced Mother" or whatever it is that we think makes us some how inferior to another person.
As a 42 year old Woman I can honestly say that it's rare for me to feel intimidated in this way anymore. I do have my moments....Like Shakira....WHAT MAN WOULD NOT WANT THAT WOMAN???? I really don't like her because of it. And I feel jealous and insecure about it. Fortunately for me she'll probably never come near my husband. But as far as every day life goes. I have found that if I am feeling insecure now it's because I am in a conversation with someone who's deliberately trying to make me feel that way. They may be doing it on purpose or without even being aware of it. Either way you know when your in this conversation because all of the sudden you feel like you have to rationalize or apologize for the way you live your life. And when that happens I just walk away. This person is NOT my friend. And no matter how comfortable I am in my skin this person is sure to make me uncomfortable which is not a feeling I enjoy anymore.
On the flip side of this coin I wondered to myself while we were in Hawaii, why can't I walk right up to John Chambers and tell him how wonderful I think Cisco is and the positive impact that it's had on our family? Is there something about me that makes me less important than anyone else who is in this same room with him? Are there only "certain people" who are allowed to socialize with him? I think not. So I put on my Big Girl Panties and marched right up to him. Shook his hand and in a few brief words let him know how I felt. I'm pretty sure Jay almost peed his pants. Cuz really who knows what's going to come out of my mouth when I get there? That's totally fair. But I felt like I had just as much right to talk to him as anyone else so I did.
Also while I was in Hawaii I let down my walls that I've had up protecting me for years. All that hyper self awareness and fear of others went out the window and as a result I met some of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life. One of whom was a beautiful blonde italian woman who couldn't speak a word of English. I was so taken by her beauty that I was sure if I talked to her that she would immediately steal my husband and run off with him!!! Now I must add that I don't think my husband is going to run off with someone. This is an irrational fear that keeps me away from people. So I marched up to her and dragged her onto the dance floor. We became fast friends even though we could understand each other. And it turns out that she was feeling pretty bad because she couldn't speak English and can you even imagine how left out you would feel if you were in a large group of people who didn't speak your language?
My point to all of this is that I would NOT go back to my 20's or 30's. I would NOT trade in my 40 year old body and face for my younger version of me. I wasted all that time worrying while I had it and now that I don't I really.......just don't care. I would much rather have the experience I have, the children I have, the 15 years of marriage I have and feel good about myself than give it all up to look the way I did then. And I've talked to many Woman who feel the same way.
So My hope for you is that you find that comfort in your skin well before I ever did. That you realize the only thing you need to feel good about yourself is your own approval. Give yourself permission to be who you are, or to try something new that you've always wanted to try. Wear those heels in your closet that you've always wanted to wear. Or that little black dress that you know you look great in but always end up putting back in favor of something that will "fit in" more. Life is just way too short not to do these things!
I turned 40 in Hawaii. Jay won a trip and off we went to Hawaii for both our birthdays. My biggest concerns of course was leaving the kids AND flying over the Ocean for 8 hours to get there. (This does not fit into my safety bubble!!!!!!!!!) However I was not as worried about how I looked and who I would meet. I planned the best I could and when I got there I had the best time!! I couldn't believe all the different people from all over the world. And I had to ask myself what is it about me that makes me think that somehow I stand out from all the rest? That I am so sure that EVERYONE is looking at me and what I'm wearing or how I'm acting or what I say? Why on Earth do I think I'm so special? Not that I'm not special. We are all special. But the point is that if there is a group of people huddled in a corner of the room at a party whispering there is a pretty high probability that I am not the person they are discussing. What part of my Ego makes me think that out of all the people in the room I am the most important one that they would be over there making fun of or gossiping about???????
As Woman we especially carry this with us through our 20's and 30's. And it's awful how we run around feeling intimidated because "She's prettier" or "She's skinnier" or "She's got 4 kids and is a more experienced Mother" or whatever it is that we think makes us some how inferior to another person.
As a 42 year old Woman I can honestly say that it's rare for me to feel intimidated in this way anymore. I do have my moments....Like Shakira....WHAT MAN WOULD NOT WANT THAT WOMAN???? I really don't like her because of it. And I feel jealous and insecure about it. Fortunately for me she'll probably never come near my husband. But as far as every day life goes. I have found that if I am feeling insecure now it's because I am in a conversation with someone who's deliberately trying to make me feel that way. They may be doing it on purpose or without even being aware of it. Either way you know when your in this conversation because all of the sudden you feel like you have to rationalize or apologize for the way you live your life. And when that happens I just walk away. This person is NOT my friend. And no matter how comfortable I am in my skin this person is sure to make me uncomfortable which is not a feeling I enjoy anymore.
On the flip side of this coin I wondered to myself while we were in Hawaii, why can't I walk right up to John Chambers and tell him how wonderful I think Cisco is and the positive impact that it's had on our family? Is there something about me that makes me less important than anyone else who is in this same room with him? Are there only "certain people" who are allowed to socialize with him? I think not. So I put on my Big Girl Panties and marched right up to him. Shook his hand and in a few brief words let him know how I felt. I'm pretty sure Jay almost peed his pants. Cuz really who knows what's going to come out of my mouth when I get there? That's totally fair. But I felt like I had just as much right to talk to him as anyone else so I did.
Also while I was in Hawaii I let down my walls that I've had up protecting me for years. All that hyper self awareness and fear of others went out the window and as a result I met some of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life. One of whom was a beautiful blonde italian woman who couldn't speak a word of English. I was so taken by her beauty that I was sure if I talked to her that she would immediately steal my husband and run off with him!!! Now I must add that I don't think my husband is going to run off with someone. This is an irrational fear that keeps me away from people. So I marched up to her and dragged her onto the dance floor. We became fast friends even though we could understand each other. And it turns out that she was feeling pretty bad because she couldn't speak English and can you even imagine how left out you would feel if you were in a large group of people who didn't speak your language?
My point to all of this is that I would NOT go back to my 20's or 30's. I would NOT trade in my 40 year old body and face for my younger version of me. I wasted all that time worrying while I had it and now that I don't I really.......just don't care. I would much rather have the experience I have, the children I have, the 15 years of marriage I have and feel good about myself than give it all up to look the way I did then. And I've talked to many Woman who feel the same way.
So My hope for you is that you find that comfort in your skin well before I ever did. That you realize the only thing you need to feel good about yourself is your own approval. Give yourself permission to be who you are, or to try something new that you've always wanted to try. Wear those heels in your closet that you've always wanted to wear. Or that little black dress that you know you look great in but always end up putting back in favor of something that will "fit in" more. Life is just way too short not to do these things!
My Safety Bubble
First. I grew up with the Boogyman. (I will write a post about this later because it's important) but for now just know that from age one til I was ten I lived in constant fear of my Stepfather. After my Mom left him I was mostly unsupervised. As were many kids back then. I must clarify I'm not blaming anyone for how I feel I am just stating the facts as I know them.
So when you grow up with the Boogyman you learn to be afraid all the time. Every move you make is scary. And even though the Boogyman went away that fear is now a learned behavior. So if you combine that with the fact that throughout the rest of my childhood I feel like I got lucky more than once, more than twice....at least a hundred times.
We've all asked ourselves the same question. "How did I survive my childhood?" Without helmets, seat belts, babysitters, fenced in yards or home alarm systems. We went swimming alone, we walked the streets of whatever City we lived in from one end to the other alone, we slept in our houses at night with the windows open.....all these things and somehow we survived.
Yes. I live in an overprotective safety bubble and I DO fear everything. Things that are real and things that aren't real. It's something I have to deal with on a daily basis. And it's not been pleasant for the people in my life who have lived with me going to the worst possible case scenario that I can possibly think of. So I have to try and balance it.
However. If I know how to prevent something or do something better than why on Earth would I not do it? If I know that seat belts save lives, and helmets save lives, than why would I not insist on them? If I know that my 14 year old is old enough to babysit but that she does still have fear as the Sun goes down than why would I not hire someone to babysit so that she can be the kid that she deserves to be? If I know that a child alone on the street is more likely to be taken why would I let that child play outside alone? If I know that leaving doors unlocked in my house makes it easier for someone to get inside why wouldn't I lock them? I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the point. I don't let anyone make me feel bad for these everyday common sense decisions I make to keep my family safe. It's just the way it is and if someone doesn't like it than I'm totally OK with that.
On the flip side I do have unrealistic fears all the time that interfere with my daily life. Like the "boogyman" is standing behind me. For instance when I'm driving and a plane flys over I am almost paralyzed. I have trained myself to look away. They freak me out!!!! Also when my kids go with my parents...I lose control of the situation...and even though I know that they are safe I have little panic attacks over it. If my husband has the kids and he is out for a long period of time I start to worry. I worry worry worry worry all the time. This is common for Mothers of course but in my case it's extreme. I have worked on it a lot over the years. And I've made progress. I don't think I'll ever be fearless but at least I'm trying.
Sooooooo wether it's a Safety Bubble or the rules you live by or whatever it is. There's a reason you live this way. Maybe it's life experience, maybe it's something you learned later. It's your gut instinct. Your Heart of Hearts. That little voice inside your head. Doesn't matter. It's your choice and no one gets to make you feel bad about it.
So when you grow up with the Boogyman you learn to be afraid all the time. Every move you make is scary. And even though the Boogyman went away that fear is now a learned behavior. So if you combine that with the fact that throughout the rest of my childhood I feel like I got lucky more than once, more than twice....at least a hundred times.
We've all asked ourselves the same question. "How did I survive my childhood?" Without helmets, seat belts, babysitters, fenced in yards or home alarm systems. We went swimming alone, we walked the streets of whatever City we lived in from one end to the other alone, we slept in our houses at night with the windows open.....all these things and somehow we survived.
Yes. I live in an overprotective safety bubble and I DO fear everything. Things that are real and things that aren't real. It's something I have to deal with on a daily basis. And it's not been pleasant for the people in my life who have lived with me going to the worst possible case scenario that I can possibly think of. So I have to try and balance it.
However. If I know how to prevent something or do something better than why on Earth would I not do it? If I know that seat belts save lives, and helmets save lives, than why would I not insist on them? If I know that my 14 year old is old enough to babysit but that she does still have fear as the Sun goes down than why would I not hire someone to babysit so that she can be the kid that she deserves to be? If I know that a child alone on the street is more likely to be taken why would I let that child play outside alone? If I know that leaving doors unlocked in my house makes it easier for someone to get inside why wouldn't I lock them? I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the point. I don't let anyone make me feel bad for these everyday common sense decisions I make to keep my family safe. It's just the way it is and if someone doesn't like it than I'm totally OK with that.
On the flip side I do have unrealistic fears all the time that interfere with my daily life. Like the "boogyman" is standing behind me. For instance when I'm driving and a plane flys over I am almost paralyzed. I have trained myself to look away. They freak me out!!!! Also when my kids go with my parents...I lose control of the situation...and even though I know that they are safe I have little panic attacks over it. If my husband has the kids and he is out for a long period of time I start to worry. I worry worry worry worry all the time. This is common for Mothers of course but in my case it's extreme. I have worked on it a lot over the years. And I've made progress. I don't think I'll ever be fearless but at least I'm trying.
Sooooooo wether it's a Safety Bubble or the rules you live by or whatever it is. There's a reason you live this way. Maybe it's life experience, maybe it's something you learned later. It's your gut instinct. Your Heart of Hearts. That little voice inside your head. Doesn't matter. It's your choice and no one gets to make you feel bad about it.
Friday, January 6, 2012
DO NOT compare the way you feel inside to the way someone looks on the outside
OK. If I could literally give one piece of advice in my whole life and had to shut up about everything else this would probably be the one thing I would say to every single Woman on the face of the Earth.
This is SO not fair. When you see someone else and how they "appear" to be you make an assumption right away. This person shows up everywhere looking and seeming like they always have it together all the time. This person is literally perfectly perfect in every way. Well guess what? No one is and no one does have it together all the time. If you see this person.....and you compare the way you feel on the inside....to the way that person looks on the outside......you'll lose every time. I have had people say to me "You just seem like you always have it so together" or maybe you've been to my house for a party and you think my house just magically looks this way all the time. Maybe you see me out and I'm dressed to the nines. Whatever the situation may be. I'm not perfect. I spend lots of time to "appear" a certain way for "certain" things and the rest of the time I can assure you that if you popped by my house on a whim...it would be a mess. Or if you saw me picking my kids up from school I would not have make up on and I'd be in sweats. I definitely have things that I am gifted at such as throwing parties and getting people together but believe me I have my flaws and so does everyone else.
When I compare myself to that perfect Mom/Wife/Business woman who appears to have it all together on the outside I am just hurting myself. We do not have the same lives and feelings. We do not have the same talents and strengths. This Woman who "appears" to be perfectly perfect all the time could be going through a divorce, or have a terrible husband she just puts up with because she's too ashamed to get a divorce, or maybe she's secretly addicted to meth (it happens). Whatever the situation I can assure you she is not perfect.
My gift you you is that I will always be honest. I will never try to make you feel like I somehow have it all over you. As Woman we should NOT be competing and comparing. We should be helping and sharing. The best gift you can give a friend is the truth.
So if you are ever at my house and are thinking "Wow how does she do it?" I invite you to go look in my basement. I certainly don't want you there but I am not ashamed of what's down there. It's a mess. No matter what I do or how many times I clean it it's a mess. And when I have a party it's a double mess cuz that's where everything goes that I don't have time to deal with.
And I cry. Not all the time but I do cry. And when I cry I sob like I have lost my best friend. And I let my girls see me cry because it's OK to cry.
And I don't wear makeup every day. I go out in public with "no face"
And my house is not always clean. Most of the time it's trashed and that's OK.
We are a very casual, laid back family and that's just the way I like it.
There's more for sure but I can't think of it now.
Anyway. The next time you are looking at a Movie Star, or another Mom, or someone you work with or anyone for that matter and thinking how they look "so much better" than you feel like you are. Remember......Do not compare yourself. You don't have all the facts and you are perfect just the way YOU are. :D
This is SO not fair. When you see someone else and how they "appear" to be you make an assumption right away. This person shows up everywhere looking and seeming like they always have it together all the time. This person is literally perfectly perfect in every way. Well guess what? No one is and no one does have it together all the time. If you see this person.....and you compare the way you feel on the inside....to the way that person looks on the outside......you'll lose every time. I have had people say to me "You just seem like you always have it so together" or maybe you've been to my house for a party and you think my house just magically looks this way all the time. Maybe you see me out and I'm dressed to the nines. Whatever the situation may be. I'm not perfect. I spend lots of time to "appear" a certain way for "certain" things and the rest of the time I can assure you that if you popped by my house on a whim...it would be a mess. Or if you saw me picking my kids up from school I would not have make up on and I'd be in sweats. I definitely have things that I am gifted at such as throwing parties and getting people together but believe me I have my flaws and so does everyone else.
When I compare myself to that perfect Mom/Wife/Business woman who appears to have it all together on the outside I am just hurting myself. We do not have the same lives and feelings. We do not have the same talents and strengths. This Woman who "appears" to be perfectly perfect all the time could be going through a divorce, or have a terrible husband she just puts up with because she's too ashamed to get a divorce, or maybe she's secretly addicted to meth (it happens). Whatever the situation I can assure you she is not perfect.
My gift you you is that I will always be honest. I will never try to make you feel like I somehow have it all over you. As Woman we should NOT be competing and comparing. We should be helping and sharing. The best gift you can give a friend is the truth.
So if you are ever at my house and are thinking "Wow how does she do it?" I invite you to go look in my basement. I certainly don't want you there but I am not ashamed of what's down there. It's a mess. No matter what I do or how many times I clean it it's a mess. And when I have a party it's a double mess cuz that's where everything goes that I don't have time to deal with.
And I cry. Not all the time but I do cry. And when I cry I sob like I have lost my best friend. And I let my girls see me cry because it's OK to cry.
And I don't wear makeup every day. I go out in public with "no face"
And my house is not always clean. Most of the time it's trashed and that's OK.
We are a very casual, laid back family and that's just the way I like it.
There's more for sure but I can't think of it now.
Anyway. The next time you are looking at a Movie Star, or another Mom, or someone you work with or anyone for that matter and thinking how they look "so much better" than you feel like you are. Remember......Do not compare yourself. You don't have all the facts and you are perfect just the way YOU are. :D
Judging Others
For me this seems like the one most difficult thing for a human being NOT to do. We all automatically have our thoughts or feelings about stuff. When someone does something, chooses something, reacts to something, or just about any decision another person makes.....we feel some sort of judgement.
I think "Being Judged" is probably the worst feeling a person can experience besides the death of a loved one. We all have been judged. And we all have judged others. We know how it feels and yet we still do it to each other.
I have tried so hard over the past few years to focus on this human defect that I have. I feel like I have no business making judgements no matter what the situation may be. Even if I've been through something someone else is going through and they aren't reacting the same way I did I still have no business judging them because everyone has a right to their own feelings and everyone has different reactions. Usually I have a judgement but I try very hard to keep it to myself. What's the point of my opinion? How does it change anything in that persons life? All it does is make me feel superior. And in the end it hurts the other person. And what makes me right and them wrong? Who is the JUDGE of that?
Here's why I feel so strongly about this. When I was younger OF COURSE I knew everything. And I was very judgmental about just about everything everyone else did. One day I was at a family gathering after I had my first baby and someone started talking about Post Pardem Depression. I got all up on my High Horse and started going on and on about how I just could NOT understand how someone could be depressed at all when they have a beautiful baby to hold and love. I just could not wrap my head around it and as far as I was concerned someone like that was just ungrateful and being selfish. WOW!!! REALLY??? Could I have been MORE wrong if I was actually trying to be wrong? Yes it turns out I could. After the birth of my second baby I went into a deep dark depression for almost 2 years. I cried for most of that time. I couldn't clean, I couldn't sort through the mail and pay bills. By the time I came out of it I had an island in my Kitchen that was literally covered with mail and other misc. paperwork that I could not deal with. I eventually, with lots of work, got through it. And I NEVER forgot what I said at that gathering. And wondered how many other people I had said that to. And what if I had said it to someone who went through it? And how did it make them feel when I said it? Well. As far as I'm concerned. I was a total ass. And any time I think I know something better than someone else does I try to check my opinion at the opening of my mouth and NOT say it.
So wether it's depression, the way someone is raising their kids, how many animals a person has, what color they paint their house, if they have fake boobs, maybe they were a stripper in their past, or maybe they are a stripper now.......IT DOESN'T MATTER what I think!!!!!!! It's their life and I have no business waving my finger at them and making them feel like a lesser person than me.
We are all wonderful, human individuals. All of our different choices and experiences and reactions are what make our society such a unique and wonderful place to be in. Could we all stop looking at other people to see whats wrong with them and instead turn the finger around and point it at ourselves to see what's broken inside of us. What is it inside of us that we are avoiding that we feel such a need to point out what everyone else is doing wrong?
So.....My advice....and I have a lot of it....IS. The next time your at a party and you feel the need to say something out loud that involves something that any one of the people in the room could possibly have going on or have been through......don't say it. For instance if you are out with a group of girls and you don't know everyone, don't say "Oh Yeah she's the one with fake boobs!" Or "I don't understand how anyone would want to get fake boobs" Or "I think it's irresponsible for someone to have so many kids" OR ANYTHING that could possibly be something that someone in that group might take offense to. It's just not worth making someone feel stupid or insecure about themselves. And in the end I think it makes the person making the judgement look like an Ass. ESPECIALLY if other people in the room know the person that you have just made a judgement about that you don't even know you did.
The things we say DO affect other people. No matter what you tell yourself, if someone says something out loud that points out something about you that they think is wrong....it will have an affect. So empathy is always the best path. Try to put yourself there. Do you REALLY know what you would do? Are you sure? I think not. Because you've never been there. And even if you have you were given different tools in life to handle things than any other person so comparing the two situations is not even accurate.
My husband read somewhere once that "If you have the choice between being right and being kind you should always choose being kind." Of course this can't work in every situation but in the case of judgement I think it applies every time.
I think "Being Judged" is probably the worst feeling a person can experience besides the death of a loved one. We all have been judged. And we all have judged others. We know how it feels and yet we still do it to each other.
I have tried so hard over the past few years to focus on this human defect that I have. I feel like I have no business making judgements no matter what the situation may be. Even if I've been through something someone else is going through and they aren't reacting the same way I did I still have no business judging them because everyone has a right to their own feelings and everyone has different reactions. Usually I have a judgement but I try very hard to keep it to myself. What's the point of my opinion? How does it change anything in that persons life? All it does is make me feel superior. And in the end it hurts the other person. And what makes me right and them wrong? Who is the JUDGE of that?
Here's why I feel so strongly about this. When I was younger OF COURSE I knew everything. And I was very judgmental about just about everything everyone else did. One day I was at a family gathering after I had my first baby and someone started talking about Post Pardem Depression. I got all up on my High Horse and started going on and on about how I just could NOT understand how someone could be depressed at all when they have a beautiful baby to hold and love. I just could not wrap my head around it and as far as I was concerned someone like that was just ungrateful and being selfish. WOW!!! REALLY??? Could I have been MORE wrong if I was actually trying to be wrong? Yes it turns out I could. After the birth of my second baby I went into a deep dark depression for almost 2 years. I cried for most of that time. I couldn't clean, I couldn't sort through the mail and pay bills. By the time I came out of it I had an island in my Kitchen that was literally covered with mail and other misc. paperwork that I could not deal with. I eventually, with lots of work, got through it. And I NEVER forgot what I said at that gathering. And wondered how many other people I had said that to. And what if I had said it to someone who went through it? And how did it make them feel when I said it? Well. As far as I'm concerned. I was a total ass. And any time I think I know something better than someone else does I try to check my opinion at the opening of my mouth and NOT say it.
So wether it's depression, the way someone is raising their kids, how many animals a person has, what color they paint their house, if they have fake boobs, maybe they were a stripper in their past, or maybe they are a stripper now.......IT DOESN'T MATTER what I think!!!!!!! It's their life and I have no business waving my finger at them and making them feel like a lesser person than me.
We are all wonderful, human individuals. All of our different choices and experiences and reactions are what make our society such a unique and wonderful place to be in. Could we all stop looking at other people to see whats wrong with them and instead turn the finger around and point it at ourselves to see what's broken inside of us. What is it inside of us that we are avoiding that we feel such a need to point out what everyone else is doing wrong?
So.....My advice....and I have a lot of it....IS. The next time your at a party and you feel the need to say something out loud that involves something that any one of the people in the room could possibly have going on or have been through......don't say it. For instance if you are out with a group of girls and you don't know everyone, don't say "Oh Yeah she's the one with fake boobs!" Or "I don't understand how anyone would want to get fake boobs" Or "I think it's irresponsible for someone to have so many kids" OR ANYTHING that could possibly be something that someone in that group might take offense to. It's just not worth making someone feel stupid or insecure about themselves. And in the end I think it makes the person making the judgement look like an Ass. ESPECIALLY if other people in the room know the person that you have just made a judgement about that you don't even know you did.
The things we say DO affect other people. No matter what you tell yourself, if someone says something out loud that points out something about you that they think is wrong....it will have an affect. So empathy is always the best path. Try to put yourself there. Do you REALLY know what you would do? Are you sure? I think not. Because you've never been there. And even if you have you were given different tools in life to handle things than any other person so comparing the two situations is not even accurate.
My husband read somewhere once that "If you have the choice between being right and being kind you should always choose being kind." Of course this can't work in every situation but in the case of judgement I think it applies every time.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Therapy
Most everyone who knows me knows that I am a huge believer in Therapy. I believe that if someone out there can help me fix my flaws or learn to handle things a different way that it's something I should absolutely do! Now not all therapists are equal. I think a therapist should be able to give you real life solutions to deal with things that you are not sure how to handle. For instance if I don't want to take calls from a certain person anymore who should really be calling Jay I can just say "Jay isn't here but I'll have him call you" Or "Here's Jay he would be happy to talk to you about this" Instead of "DON'T BLEEPING CALL ME ANYMORE CRAZY PERSON!!!!!!!!" And even if I did say that or something less aggressive but to the point like "I really don't want you to call me anymore I'd prefer you call Jay" This person probably won't "hear" me anyway. So when I go to my therapist and ask how to handle this particular situation she gives me a graceful way out that is specific to the situation. And I'm always like "DUH!!" Why didn't I think of that? But the truth is when you are in your own life it's hard to look at things objectively so having someone outside who can give you solutions is a huge benefit. As a matter of fact I think it has saved many a person from the wrath of my angry outbursts.
Now of course since I am a believer in therapy and they way people "feel" and "think" I do have a tendency to Therapy Tackle most everyone I know. This means you give me a tiny inkling into something that's going on and I spend the next 2 hours trying to figure it out and help you. Not everyone enjoys this behavior and it's very hard for me to control it so the best thing anyone can do for me is just say Shut the * up! I may not. If I've been drinking there's a really good chance you'll have to run from me. But I WILL hear you and by the next day I will know that it's a line not to be crossed.
This behavior has also gotten me into quite a few binds myself. I have a tendency to ask questions to get people talking and before I know it I've met the craziest person in the room (besides me) and they are telling me every dark deep secret that they have. This happens to me A LOT! Of course I totally understand and would love to spend all my time listening to their problems but I just don't have that kind of time. And typically this person is NOT wanting solutions they are just wanting someone who they can drag into their life of chaos. For this reason I am always a little on guard with someone I meet who wants to be best friends right off the bat. Of course you "click" with people but a relationship takes time to grow. And for me getting trapped in a corner by someone is not a relationship. I also see this situation as a little bit of karma. Since I've Therapy Tackled a number of people who did not enjoy it I've got it coming. And really in the end if they get stuff off their chest it's really not hurting anyone.
For me. Therapy has almost always been a positive experience. It's not always easy and there is often lots of work and change involved but in the end it's always been worth it. I have healed wounds I thought would never be gone. I have learned how to deal with situations that were very difficult for me to confront. I have been able to realize I'm not a perfect parent and found ways to be better. I have learned tolerance and acceptance. I have been able to admit when I am wrong. And I believe I am a much healthier person for it. Considering where I came from I could be living my life a much different way. And as far as my children are concerned that would be a very bad outcome. My goal is to be as aware as I can of my faults and what I can do to make life a more positive experience for my family. There's still plenty of time and lot's of stuff coming my way so for me......the therapy will continue. I hope to be able to have a positive "Life Coach" for as long as I need one.
Now of course since I am a believer in therapy and they way people "feel" and "think" I do have a tendency to Therapy Tackle most everyone I know. This means you give me a tiny inkling into something that's going on and I spend the next 2 hours trying to figure it out and help you. Not everyone enjoys this behavior and it's very hard for me to control it so the best thing anyone can do for me is just say Shut the * up! I may not. If I've been drinking there's a really good chance you'll have to run from me. But I WILL hear you and by the next day I will know that it's a line not to be crossed.
This behavior has also gotten me into quite a few binds myself. I have a tendency to ask questions to get people talking and before I know it I've met the craziest person in the room (besides me) and they are telling me every dark deep secret that they have. This happens to me A LOT! Of course I totally understand and would love to spend all my time listening to their problems but I just don't have that kind of time. And typically this person is NOT wanting solutions they are just wanting someone who they can drag into their life of chaos. For this reason I am always a little on guard with someone I meet who wants to be best friends right off the bat. Of course you "click" with people but a relationship takes time to grow. And for me getting trapped in a corner by someone is not a relationship. I also see this situation as a little bit of karma. Since I've Therapy Tackled a number of people who did not enjoy it I've got it coming. And really in the end if they get stuff off their chest it's really not hurting anyone.
For me. Therapy has almost always been a positive experience. It's not always easy and there is often lots of work and change involved but in the end it's always been worth it. I have healed wounds I thought would never be gone. I have learned how to deal with situations that were very difficult for me to confront. I have been able to realize I'm not a perfect parent and found ways to be better. I have learned tolerance and acceptance. I have been able to admit when I am wrong. And I believe I am a much healthier person for it. Considering where I came from I could be living my life a much different way. And as far as my children are concerned that would be a very bad outcome. My goal is to be as aware as I can of my faults and what I can do to make life a more positive experience for my family. There's still plenty of time and lot's of stuff coming my way so for me......the therapy will continue. I hope to be able to have a positive "Life Coach" for as long as I need one.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
My Opinions
OK so my opinions are just that. They are all mine and they are subject to change at any time because as we all know life gets in the way and you learn and change all the time. However my most current opinions will always be based on my own experiences that I HAVE HAD. I don't really believe I can have an opinion on things that I haven't yet been through. Although I probably secretly do I tend to keep them to myself because you just never know what you would do or feel until you are in the same situation and of course even then you may still react differently than another person would. Obviously there are many things I just cannot wrap my head around....Like violent crime, child abuse, animal abuse, really anything that crosses the line into evil and without remorse.
So as I'm writing my blog realize that I will always have a reason for the things that I write. If I'm writing about it I've probably had an experience in some way that had made me feel a certain way and live my life a certain way. I do not LIVE in my past but I have LEARNED from my past and I really believe that if you have valuable information that could potentially make life better for yourself and your loved ones that you absolutely should listen to your gut and not let anyone make you feel bad for the decisions you make. This is a very difficult thing to do because I've been called "uptight" "overprotective" and various other things but Here's the DEAL!! It's my life. And it's the way I feel. No one can argue with my feelings. Maybe I am a bit over the edge but I'd rather be safe than sorry. And I make no excuses for that. My family and my kids are the most important things to me and I'll do whatever I feel is right or necessary to protect them.
All of that being said I do try to keep an open mind. I really am subject to change my opinions or the way I feel based on experience or another person's perspective. That is if I can stop talking long enough to let them tell me..........
So as I'm writing my blog realize that I will always have a reason for the things that I write. If I'm writing about it I've probably had an experience in some way that had made me feel a certain way and live my life a certain way. I do not LIVE in my past but I have LEARNED from my past and I really believe that if you have valuable information that could potentially make life better for yourself and your loved ones that you absolutely should listen to your gut and not let anyone make you feel bad for the decisions you make. This is a very difficult thing to do because I've been called "uptight" "overprotective" and various other things but Here's the DEAL!! It's my life. And it's the way I feel. No one can argue with my feelings. Maybe I am a bit over the edge but I'd rather be safe than sorry. And I make no excuses for that. My family and my kids are the most important things to me and I'll do whatever I feel is right or necessary to protect them.
All of that being said I do try to keep an open mind. I really am subject to change my opinions or the way I feel based on experience or another person's perspective. That is if I can stop talking long enough to let them tell me..........
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