Stay at Home Moms

I want to make this perfectly clear.  I have always been a stay at home Mom.  Since my first child was born almost 15 years ago I've never worked outside the home.  My point of view can only be from a stay at home Mom's point of view because I've never known anything else.  This has nothing to do with Mom's who work FOR WHATEVER REASON.  I do not judge these Mom's at all.  I only hope that they are able to raise their children the way they really want to.  I think whatever decision a Mom makes for herself is going to be the best decision for her children because if Mom's happy then everyone is happy.  I think the Mommy wars are ridiculous.  As long as we are loving our children, teaching them good values and they are safe, there is no reason to judge a decision that another Mom is making by choosing to work or stay home.  


Now when I go through the reasons I decided to stay home with my kids some Mother's may take it as a slam if they didn't.  This is not at all my intention.  I am made up of way different stuff than every other Mom out there.  We all are.  And our decisions are hopefully made from our hearts and our guts.  I like to call it our heart of hearts.  


I knew from the second I found out I was pregnant that I would not be working.  It didn't matter to me if there was less money.  I just knew that I couldn't leave my baby with anyone else.  Or more accurately I just couldn't leave her at all.  (Even though I locked myself out of the house the second week of her life)  


I grew up in a very unsafe environment and I felt that the only way I could give that safety to my girls was to be the one who was with them all the time.  It was a decision I felt deep down in my soul.  The decision was made more for my sanity than for them.  I would have stressed.  I was put in many unsafe environments as a child with various babysitters.  Not saying this to scare anyone at all.  Just saying that I do not trust.  And when it comes to my kids that's an especially aggressive feeling for me.  I was also left home alone many many times as a young child.  Too young in my opinion.  And I was afraid.  A lot.  Maybe some people think that kids adapt and bounce back but not this kid.  I've had fear inside of me my whole life for the way I was raised.  And I make no excuses for anyone who was involved in that.  I was not protected.  I was left alone.  And I was put in situations that were not safe.  I believe that one bad thing can change a person forever and if I can prevent this with my kids I will.  


The second reason it made sense for me to stay home was that there was no way I could make enough money to pay for childcare.  It didn't even come close.  So why would I send my child somewhere JUST to pay for their childcare?  Now.  Someone else may make the decision to do this because for them they need that in their life.  I however did not.  I was more than happy to spend mornings cuddling in bed with my baby.  And I will be the first to admit that for the most part there is no set structure in our lives.  I'm not that Mom who makes charts and schedules.  I do not want to live the time I spend with my girls that way.  I want to be able to get up on a Summer day and decide were all gonna snuggle up on the couch and watch saved up shows of something we've been waiting to watch.  Or wake up and decide were going to to Zoo last minute.  Or wake up with no plans and end up hanging out on the deck tanning in the Sun and giggling at each other for random silly stuff that happens.  Sometimes I wish I could be that Mom who had it all planned out but it's just not in me to do things that way.  I know my children are learning structure in school.  They are required to be on a schedule, meet deadlines and follow strict rules.  I want them to be kids at home.  For as long as they can possibly be.  


This doesn't mean they don't have chores and expectations at home.  Mostly this is where Dad comes in.  He is able to balance out that side of me that doesn't want them to have to do anything.  And I believe they should be helping out.  So they do have chores and boundaries outside of school.  They complain that I don't let them do a lot of the things other kids get to do.  As a mostly unsupervised child growing up I happen to know that if our kids are doing all the things other kids are doing they are usually not good things.  And I don't shelter my girls by not letting them participate.  What I do instead is tell them what the other kids are doing.  And I'm not sugar coating anything.  


When my girls are all in school for an entire day will I go back to work?  Because then I won't be paying for childcare.  I won't have to worry about them.  There's no cost to me.  Well that depends.  I have a lot of things I would like to do that I haven't been able to do for a long time because my kids are here.  I also have no desire to have to answer to anyone else on this whole entire planet except for my kids.  They are my first priority.  I want to be here when they get home.  I want to be able to go get them at a moments notice if they get ill.  I do not want to have to feel "guilty" or make excuses to anyone ever for putting them first.  I brought these children into this world and I am the one person who should always be there no matter what they need.  So unless there is a business out there who is willing to work around their needs I probably will not go back to work.  By the time I drop off the 3rd one at school I will most likely have just a few hours before I have to go back and get the 1st one.  


Now.  I am not sure what the general consensus is on a Stay at Home Moms.  I have a pretty good idea though.  And I'll be 100% honest when I say it's a great job.  If I get tired for a few minutes I can lie down on the couch and take a little break.  If I don't feel like taking the kids somewhere I don't have to.  If there is nothing on the schedule for the day I can sleep in with Jelly and snuggle.  Lot's of wonderful good quality time can be spent with my children.  


On the flip side......MY CHILDREN ARE HERE EVERY DAY OF THE SUMMER!!!!!  And as much as we all love each other there is such a thing as spending too much time with someone.  I don't care what you plan or how many crafts you have.....they will fight, they will complain, they will make messes, they will whine and ask for things until you think your brain is gonna explode.  It's just part of the job.  And it's a very stressful thing.  It makes me want to run sometimes.  But I KNOW 100% FOR SURE that some day I will look back on this and be so grateful that I was able to do what I wanted to do.  That I was able to make a choice to stay home and listen to all the fighting and whining because there is also a lot of giggling and creative pranking and freedom that I believe children should have.  


Is my job a cushy sit around and eat bon bons all day job?  Well yes sometimes it is.  I am a very laid back person.  If you've been to my house you know that my set up here is clean....but laid back.  We live in our house.  And we enjoy our couches and TV and snuggling with dogs and foster puppies.  We don't worry that the floors are not perfect or the walls have stains on them.  We don't flip out when someone spills on the carpet.  If I wanted a perfect life than I wouldn't have children.  And it's not always the kids who break or make mistakes.  So I try as much as possible to just go with the flow.  


On the flip side I do like a clean home.  So there is a lot to keep up with.  I used to be totally OCD about how my house has to look.  Now I just like it to be picked up and clutter free if possible.  If I can't get the floors cleaned for a period of time than so be it.  The floors will be here long after my kids are.  


In the meantime I just want them to have a home where they can live without fear.  Have a safe place to come to.  To me I'm not really giving anything up.  I never really had a plan until my babies came into my life and I knew right away that they were my plan.  I love them more than anything and I love when they are home.  I want them here.  Even when they are driving me nuts I still want them here.  I miss them when they are gone.  And I know that before long they will be gone.  Maybe by then I'll be ready but I doubt it.  I will always want them close.  


So for me staying home is my dream.  Maybe I'm lazy sometimes.  Maybe I get a tan a little sooner than everyone else because I'm not in a building all day long.  Maybe I get to goof off and snuggle with my puppies more.  But I also have my kids here. I know where they are and I get to see their beautiful faces.  


My dream also includes a tremendous amount of stress.  It's LOADED with it.  And I always wonder why I'm so tired.  Well I believe my kids are slowly eating my brain and I can't keep up with them the way I used to.  I'm like one of those early computers that takes up half of your desk and my memory is all filled up, the applications keep coming in but I can't figure them out or find anywhere to put them.  I can't do an upgrade, I can't get a new me.  So I just keep trying to keep up.  I'm totally outnumbered and sometimes I crash.  People can judge me all they want for my down times but it's who I am.  There's nothing I can do about it.  I can only listen to my body and mind and take the time to recharge it.  I can only assume that this crash affect is because I stay at home.  Maybe if I worked outside the home and the stress came in a different form I wouldn't have the crashes.  But I do.  And thank goodness I'm a stay at home Mom cuz on those day's if I had to be somewhere I'd be fired.  


Staying home has it's good and it's bad.  But for me every second is worth it.  I hope that my kids will look back some day and be glad I was here for them.  But even if they don't I will always be grateful that they were here with me.  We are together.  And yes......I am insane........

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is my most favorite day of the year and YES it's for a very selfish reason.  In my house on Mother's Day I get whatever I want no matter what.  No one gets to say no to me.  Now you might think that I would ask for a million dollars or a shopping trip but for me this means being able to snuggle with my 14 year old without her "acting like" it's the most horrible thing in the world.  It means that my children have to be nice to each other all day long.  In my house I am finally recognized for all the hard work I do all year to keep my family going.  Do I wish this would happen every day?  Yes.  Sometimes I do.  But I think that would make my job too easy.  It's not suppose to be easy to be Mom.  It's hard work every day and having one day out of the year where I get to be recognized for this work is just fine with me.  

Before I was a Mom I was a very selfish spoiled person.  I was an only child and although I didn't grow up in a family that offered me all the love and support, or monetary things that other only children may have had....I still did not have to compete with anyone for attention.  Of course this also means if something broke or got spilled I had no one else to blame.  So sharing...even the blame...was not something I was at all used to.  MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

When I became pregnant I was just sure that I was going to be a horrible Mother because of this.  I could not imagine that all the selfish feelings I had would ever go away for anyone.  However when they put my sweet little baby Kelsey into my arms there was absolutely nothing in the whole World I would not have given up for her and I knew that instantly.  She was my WHOLE World from that moment on.  I never questioned who came first.  One of my most precious memories from Kelsey's birth is when I woke up at 2am and she was in the nursery.  I wanted her.  STAT!!  Jay was sleeping and told me to just rest and wait but I could not wait I wanted her.  So picked up the phone and called the nursery.  I said these words to the nurse, mostly because I couldn't think strait but also because I couldn't remember my baby's name at that exact moment.  (Happens to me a lot)  I said "This is Mrs. Keres.  Please bring me my baby!"  Because being away from her was too much.  I just wanted her in my arms all the time.  And it turns out I was a natural.  I had never ever held a newborn in my whole life but she fit into my arms like a glove and I just knew exactly what to do with her.  

When I found out I was pregnant with Elizabeth the first thing that happened was I started shaking.  I was excited but at this point I knew exactly what was coming and to be honest it was a little scary.  I asked myself over and over again throughout the pregnancy "How can I possibly love this child as much as I love Kelsey?"  I was just sure that it wasn't possible.  That there was NO WAY I could ever love any child as much as I loved Kelsey.  I think this is a very common fear for Mom's who are pregnant with their second child.  But I'm here to tell you that there is so much love in your heart that you could have 15 children and you would love them all.  They are a part of you.  They are literally the loves of your life.  

For many many years....7.....after Elizabeth was born, I was on the fence about having another baby.  I knew that I wanted one but there was always that rational side of me pulling and saying "You have 2 beautiful girls.  Why rock the boat?"  Well I heard someone say once that they just felt like someone was missing from their family and that's how they knew they wanted another one.  That's exactly how I felt.  Also there was always the lingering "Would love to give Jay a little boy" in the back of my head.  Which is BTW totally insane thinking because if you know my husband you would ask "WHY????"  His little boy would no doubt be impossible to control.....but I would still love him.  

So I left it up to God.  I stopped my birth control and of course within a month I was pregnant.  WORST pregnancy!!!  SO SICK!!  Spent 3 months in my bedroom cuz I couldn't stand the smell of my family.  My dog lost 5lbs because I kicked him out of my life for 3 months.  I could smell him from across the room.  I was just sure that I was carrying the devils baby.  I even called her "Devil Baby" And I was also sure I'd never feel better.  But I did eventually start to feel better and the excitement came back.  At some point during the pregnancy they had to do Old Lady tests on my because I was over 35.  When the Dr. called me and I heard his voice on the phone I almost passed out.  The Dr. DOES NOT call unless it's bad news.  And it was.  My blood tests showed that Jelena might have downs.  And so just when you think you've got this Mom thing down you find out that it does get harder.  And I'm not afraid to admit that I was not happy about the idea of having a downs baby.  I absolutely knew 100% for sure that I would love her no matter what but I did not want a child to have to suffer through life with any kind of problems.  We waited 3 days to find out the results and 2 days before Christmas we found out that not only did our baby not have Downs but that she was a girl.  <3.  Now I know I said I wanted to give Jay a boy but deep down I wanted another girl and so I was thrilled.  :D.  

  

As a Mom I have so many good days and so many bad days.  It's just in the job title.  But on this day of all day's I am reminded that the only reason I am a Mom is because of my beautiful children who I was totally blessed to have.  I don't get to take credit for that part.  They were handed to me by higher power who entrusted me with their lives.  They are the reason I am who I am today.  And for that I will always be eternally grateful.  

And finally this is a personal feeling I like to share with all Woman.  Even if they haven't had children yet.  When I am feeling my lowest, having a bad day, thinking I'd like to lock all my kids in a closet and run for my life or maybe just looking for a little feel good moment.  I can take myself back to the days that each one of my girls was born.  I remember the excitement, I remember the work, I remember all the people in the room looking at my Hoo Hoo.  But mostly I remember the feeling of KNOWING my baby was coming.....the feeling of excitement on the way to the hospital....the way my husband stepped up and got me through each and every birth.  And most important the way it felt when I finally got to meet them.  That's a feeling that I'll never forget and will always be able to reach back into my emotional vault to grab it out anytime I need a boost.  Because no matter what happens to me there is nothing or no one who can take that feeling away from me.  For me, giving birth was the most wonderful thing I've ever experienced.  Nothing will ever compare.  It's a truly a miracle.  Each and every time.  

Fostering Dogs

When it comes to fostering dogs for the Nebraska Human Society there is one thing that is for sure.  I get asked all the same questions from everyone I know when they find out I foster.  It's almost like when your pregnant and people ask you the same exact questions that the last fifteen people you just talked to asked you.  So I thought I may as well write a blog about it to answer those questions and also to add some of my feelings about what I do and why I do it.  


The main question I get asked is "Is it hard to give the puppies back?"  Well it depends.  If they are truly puppies under 6 weeks of age then NO it's very easy to give them back.  By the time they are that old I have spent the last 4 weeks making sure they are fed and cleaning up all their poop.  And although they are hilariously funny and totally adorable by 6 weeks they are attacking you all at once and believe me even though they are little they are mighty little boogers.  They are very wonderful to have around and they bring so much joy to our lives but by the time they are 6 weeks old I am ready to take them back and let someone adopt them.  I KNOW they will be adopted because they are puppies.  There's very little chance that they will sit in a kennel at the Humane Society for any length of time.  Usually one weekend and they are gone.  


The hard part is fostering the older dogs.  The older dogs have personalities.  They have funny little quirky individual to them little things that they do to make them special.  Usually they need to be fostered temporarily for a medical condition to be cleared up.  Once they are finished with the meds and Ok'd for adoption they do go back and get put up for adoption.  After you have bonded with one of these dogs it's very difficult to let them go.  Although with most of them I know that my house is not a perfect fit for them.  For instance when I had Mama dog.  After she gave birth to her 9 puppies and we got them all out for adoption it was difficult to let her go.  She was so sweet and she fit right in here.  But she was older and I felt she needed to be with a family that could just pay attention to her.  Instead of a family that was always on the go.  As it turned out she ended up going strait from my house to a nice retired couple who absolutely wanted nothing more than to love an spoil her.  And she is happy now.  


To cover some of the other various questions I get asked.  I never have to pay for anything to keep the animals at my home.  The Humane Society provides everything I need from crates to food to medicine and just about anything else I might need.  The dogs and puppies are technically still owned by the Humane Society.  I am just in charge of making sure they have a safe, comfortable stress free place to get them through whatever it is they are going through.  


If I have a Mama who is expecting or who already has a litter when she comes to me and someone I know want's one of those puppies I can certainly make sure it happens.  Our main goal is to find these dogs homes.  And if I can find homes before they even leave my house that's even better.  If someone I know does want to adopt one of my fosters they will still have to go through the Humane Society to complete the adoption but it is well worth it since they Spay and Neuter all the animals and take care of all the shots before the dogs ever go up for adoption.  


Why do I do it?  I can't help myself.  I honestly just love dogs.  All of them.  I think they are so funny and quirky and they bring so much joy to humans.  They are the most loyal creatures on the face of the Earth and to turn my back on that loyalty goes against all the feelings I have inside of me.  Is it hard work?  Yes.  Do I get tired?  Yes.  Does it always work out well?  No.  But that just goes with the territory.  They are worth it.  


Will I do it forever?  I don't know the answer to that question.  I know I had to stop when I was pregnant with Jelly and then waited until she was about 3 years old before I started again.  I always need to look at what's going on in my life before I take on a certain foster dog.  But I think I will always foster off and on for as long as I can possibly do it.  


My favorite is the pregnant Mama dogs.  Bella is my second one.  I've had Mama's come to me with their puppies and it's just as wonderful but there is something extra special about bonding with Mama and then watching her have her babies.  It's like they are yours.  And watching a Mama dog take care of her puppies like it's something she has been doing her whole life is one of the most amazing things I've ever seen.  I cannot wait for Bella's babies.  She's going to be a wonderful Mama.  


So if you are on my Facebook or you know me at all you know I foster and you've wondered about it.  If there is any chance you think you would enjoy something like this the Humane Society is always looking for Foster Parents.  Not just for dogs but cat and kittens too.  And I am more than happy to answer any questions you may have if you do decide to foster.  Well not cats but dogs.  :D  

My Grandmother/Unconditional Love

I believe that every moment you are alive you feel the love that someone is giving you.  This belief comes from my own personal experience with my Grandmother who raised me for the first year of my life.  It doesn't just start there though.

My Grandmother raised 7 children.  When my Mom found out she was pregnant with me My Grandparents had a 3 year old and other older kids still living at home.  My Mom was only 18 and of course she considered adoption because how on Earth would she be able to take care of me?  She struggled with the decision until the day I was born.  Every time she "decided" I was going to be put up for adoption my Grandmother would cry.  Then my Mom would change her mind again and my Grandmother would be elated.  This went on for some time before the day I was finally born and of course as soon as my Mom held me she knew she couldn't give me up.  Even though from what I hear I was not the prettiest baby.

So we left the hospital and moved in with my Grandparents.  My Mom got a good job and I was left in the care of my Gramma every day for the first year.  She tells the same story of how she used to set me on the booth table in the kitchen on a pillow so she could work in the kitchen.  She also made me the fattest baby EVER because she fed me a lot.  Although from what I understand I was just as eager to eat everything she fed me.  I was in a lot of ways her 8th baby....except for that special magic fairy dust that makes grand babies so special...so the love I felt coming from her even then before I even knew I existed was powerful. Not only did she fight for my life but she loved me unconditionally from before I was even born.  Even though she had all those other children to take care of she took me in and loved me without regret or resentment.

After that first year we left my Grandparents house and my Mom married.  That's when things changed drastically for me.  I went from being with the most loving person in my whole world to living with the Boogeyman (another blog)  And of course my life was never the same.

Now I don't tell the bad things so that people can feel sorry for me.  It's the very last thing I want.  I tell them because they are just as important to my life as the good things that happen.  They fit in just like a puzzle piece.  So when I say I went from good to bad I'm just leading into why I believe so strongly in unconditional love.

So. Basically for the next 10 to 15 years or so not a lot of good things happened for me.  I do have good memories of my childhood but they usually involve people and things that happened outside of my home.  And I struggled.  When my Mom finally divorced the Boogeyman I walked a fine line between making good choices and bad ones.  I had many many many times when I felt hopeless and like no one cared about me.  I made a lot of BAD choices and still look back and wonder how I'm even alive today.

However....in my most worst moments of despair...when I really felt like I had nothing to live for and that no one cared....I always had this "sense" that I was worth something.  That something about me was special enough to push through the pain and stick around.  I believe that was my Grandmother.  I believe that the love she stuffed me full of in that first year of my life gave me my self worth forever and ever.  And even though at all those times when I felt that despair I never once thought "Oh but my Gramma loves me"  or  "Well Gramma thinks I'm worth something"  I believe that it was her gift of unconditional love way deep down inside of me that somehow found it's way through all the pain to my brain and made me feel that no matter how bad things got, or how worthless I thought I was...that I was worth loving.

I didn't make this connection until very recently.  I always wondered how I got through all those bad times.  Then I had my own babies.  And I just knew that even though they were completely helpless and totally unable to understand me that the love I poured into them even in that first year of their lives made a huge difference.  That they could "feel" it even if they didn't know what it was.  Then I knew.  I knew why I had made it all those years.  Unconditional love.

Even though bad things happened for most of my childhood that one year is what held me together my whole life.  It's something I still feel today.  I don't have to be with my Grandmother to feel her love.  I know that I'm in her thoughts every single day of her life.  And we are very very close.  We always have been.  She is one of my best friends.  And the special love that she feels for me makes me feel SO IMORTANT!!!!!! Like the most important person in the whole world!!  It doesn't' matter that I'm her Grandchild.  What matters is her love for me.

So even though my unconditional love safety net came from my very first year.  I believe that it can come at any time and save a person.  It can happen anytime.  I was just lucky enough to have the most wonderful Woman on the planet taking care of me my first year of life to fill me with that love.  And I will always be eternally grateful to her for that.  Because it got me through the very worst years of my life and saved me so that I could someday have my own babies and give that gift back to someone else.

My Grandmother is 82 years old.  She is still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.  She is still one of the strongest woman I've ever known.  She is AMAZING at finding things that are perfect for very specific people.  She has never stopped moving except for when it was physically impossible for her to do so.  She has raised 7 children and one Grandchild.  Honestly I'm not even sure she's human because she has superpower strength!!  And I am so grateful and blessed to be able to say that she is MY Grandmother.  MY GRAMMA.   My gift of unconditional love.  My hero.

To my Cousin Chris

Because I was an only child I mostly grew up with my Aunts, Uncles and cousins as my most prominent family members.  My cousin Chris and I were born 3 months apart.  He before me.  It was quite a while before any more babies were born into our family so Chris and I were pretty much the "kids" in an entire family of growed up Italians.  We had wonderful family gatherings and found all kinds of ways to entertain ourselves.  We played games at my Gramma and Grampa's kitchen booth which is still exactly where it was back then.  We would climb under the table to get in and out of the booth so other people wouldn't have to move but mostly cuz it was just fun to climb under there.  And since it was Gramma's booth we knew it wasn't dirty under there.  Not that we cared.....At that booth I also used to make my Aunt Patricia draw pictures of Chris and I getting married.  Not cuz I like him "that way" but because he was my best friend in the whole world and that's just how I felt about him.

I spent most of my childhood with my cousin Chris.  His Mom my Aunt Theresa watched me for many years while my Mom worked.  And even though Chris got to go to Kindergarden before me I still went there most of the days of my life.  Which also means we spent every single day during the week together during our Summers.  I have so many wonderful memories from these years.  I remember getting dropped off in the mornings and watching Sesame street just waiting for Chris to wake up so we could play....of course by the end of each Summer that excitement had turned into something else....

We swam almost every day in the Horse Tank that my Aunt Theresa had next to the house in the yard.  We wandered the old neighborhood and him and his friends tortured my by making up stories about Giant Monsters behind buildings.  We walked up to the candy store on 24th street and spent all the pennies we could gather.  We caught red and black ants.  Not the little ones either.  In South Omaha the Ants are on steroids so they were the big juicy ones.  He got the black ones and I got the red.  When it was raining and we were inside driving my Aunt Theresa crazy (mostly this involved Chris whining that he WAS GOING TO DIE if we didn't eat soon) she would send us out on the porch to count raindrops.  AND we did it!!  We went to lots and lots and lots of baseball games together and I remember being in the back seat with Chris while my Aunt and Uncle (John) repeated over and over and over again.  "Shut up Chris"  Cuz he could not stop talking.  I think even if we had put duct tape over his mouth he would have figured out a way to talk through his ears.  We played baseball cards for hours and hours.  And even though I know Chris was bored with this game after a while he still always played with me because he knew how happy it made me.  Then there was the time he was spending the night at my house after my Mom was finally single and we decided to have an egg toss in the living room.  When the egg exploded on the couch I'm pretty sure we both knew we only had mere moments to survive.  But Chris had grown up with my Aunt Theresa and if anyone knew how to handle this situation it was him.  He literally saved our lives.

My cousin Chris is literally the brother I never had when I was growing up.  He's the one who know's every little detail about my childhood that no one else could possibly know.  When I see his face my heart fills up with love.  We've both had hard times throughout the years but the people we are today are worthy of a huge pat on the back.  We've got this growed up thing even though as children we never imagined we would ever have to be growed ups.

The other night I got a surprisingly wonderful visit from my cousin Chris.  My husband was texting him from Grandmothers because he lives right up the street and telling him to come get us and take us home. I had NO IDEA this was going on until Chris was in the parking lot. Not ready to leave I went out to try and get him to come in but he only had his socks on so he couldn't come in.  I mean he was dressed he just didn't have shoes!!  Cuz that would have been really awkward!!  Anyway here's my most favorite closest cousin who I almost never get to see anymore cuz our lives are just so crazy and he's sitting there with this huge cheesy grin on his face at midnight ready to drive me home.  That's just the wonderful person that he is.

So I got in and we chatted a bit.  In the process he brought up my blogs and told me how much he enjoyed them except for one.  The boogeyman blog.  It was obvious to me that the pain he felt from reading it was very real.  I knew that it was something that would be hard for people to read and I never wrote about it to hurt anyone.  I did it so I could help others to realize they are not always alone.  And that no matter what you go through you can always overcome it.

What I didn't realize is that there were some people who really didn't know what had been happening.  I really thought everyone knew the truth or eventually found it out later on.  He told me in that moment that to him it was always just a big blow up that happened over one weekend and then they got divorced.  I HAD NO IDEA!  I really thought he knew.  And for him reading that blog, knowing all along that as we were growing up he knew nothing about it and did nothing to help pained him.  My OBVIOUS answer to him was that there was nothing he could have done.  Of course.  He was just a child   However I understand his pain.  To him he's just finding out that the Woman he considered not just a cousin but much like a Sister had gone through all this and he never knew.  And I'm so deeply sorry that I hurt him with my blog.

However Chris I need you to know this.  Because this is YOUR BLOG.  YOU were my best friend.  My Hero.  And for some twisted reason the man I was going to marry some day. :D  You were my most favorite thing to look forward to every day even when we were sick of each other by the end of Summer.  You were the one who always made me laugh and play because I had no one else to play with.  And you were my "Safe" place to be.  If I hadn't had you all those years I'm not sure I would have made it through as well as I did.  And when I see your face it brings great joy to my heart because back then there wasn't much joy for me but you were the definition of joy to me and still are.  I love you to the Moon and back and forever and ever and ever and no matter how much or little we see each other you will always be in my thoughts.

Now.  I got March 16th 2012.  IT's MINE and if you take it back I will hunt you down and make you eat worms.......

Limbaugh/Birth Control

I literally JUST listened to Limbaugh's rant on birth control.  My immediate reaction to the things he said is that of course I'm HORRIFIED!!!  He's just really lucky he wasn't making his comments about one of my daughters because I would literally camp outside of his house with a sign that say's "Perverted, jackass lives here".  And I wouldn't leave until I made his life miserable.

Now as far as his point of view goes I think everyone in this Country get's to have an opinion on wether or not we have to pay for someone to take Birth Control.

How do I feel about it?  Well I think if Woman had access to it there would be less abortion and less unwanted children in this World.  There are so many children in this World who are unwanted and if we could proactively give Woman the right to choose wether they end up in this situation maybe the numbers would go down.

Once he expressed his opinion about not wanted to pay for this,  all of his comments that followed were without a doubt highly inappropriate.  They do not make any valid arguments on behalf of his opinion.  As a matter of fact he doesn't even make sense thru most of it and I think there is a good chance he's losing his mind.

And let me ask this?  If he made a racial slur on his show how much trouble would he be in right now?  How many people in the public eye have been fired from shows for making racial slurs?  HOW is this any different.  He's calling all Woman who choose to take birth control Sluts.  I'm amazed that he can say this, still have his job and tomorrow if he said something about an African American he'd probably be fired.

That's where I stand.  I think he's just totally nuts and once someone says something like this it's very hard to ever "hear" another word they say.  I was never a fan and I can assure you I never will be.

The Things We Say

Ok so for most of my life I am positive that in most situations I "Said the wrong thing"  Now.  Saying the wrong thing can have so many meanings that you literally cannot put a label on it.  I could say "I don't like blue" to someone and literally offend them to the ends of the Earth and totally destroy any possibility of a future relationship with that person.  Or I could say "Women who have fake boobs are sluts".   Either way. No matter how small or how large the comment is....I am most likely going to offend someone.  Now.  I'm not a fan of blue.  Not my favorite color.  I like all colors to be honest but blue is not at the top of my list.  I do however have fake boobs.  So.  BEFORE I had fake boobs and I made comments about them I had no idea what I was saying.

The things I say always come out of me with the best of intentions.  Wether I'm trying to help, be funny or make an honest opinion statement.  My purpose is not to hurt anyone.  However everyone is so different that no matter how hard I try I will most likely offend someone.  And I am truly sorry for that.

On the flip side though...if we are not able to express our opinions and feelings without worrying about offending someone than what kind of a World would that be?  We learn everything by experience and by friendships and by the way we are raised.

I'm NOT saying that I will just say anything that comes into my mind no matter what the consequences.  I do try to think before I speak and consider the person I am talking to.  However I am still gonna say things in situations that are likely to spark bad feelings that I totally did not expect.  And if I do this I encourage anyone who knows me to call me on it.  And even if you don't know me...it's a random conversation in a bar....I still want to know.  Because if I know that something I say might hurt you I will not say it.  And if you tell me your side I most likely will see it from a different perspective.

There are 2 sides to this story and everyone is on both sides.  You either say something that offends.  Or you hear something that offends.  You have choices.

If you are the offender and someone calls you on it OR you are aware enough to realize that you offended than you can sincerely apologize.  And I mean sincerely.  I don't mean fake apologize and then go around telling everyone you know how you had to apologize to someone for the way "they" felt.  Or you can just be a totally selfish asshole and go through life not realizing that you alienate just about everyone you come into contact with.  This is a very lonely choice.

If you are the receiver.  You can stand up for the way you feel and tell the person who offended you.  Keeping in mind however that there are two sides to every story and if you are SO offended by something someone says to you there may be a reason why.  Unless of course it's some random guy in a bar who just say's "Hay your got let's get it on"   And even when you stand up for yourself most people you encounter (unfortunately) are not going to hear your side.  In this case you just walk away.  OR you can just say nothing.  And this person just goes through life offending without any consequences.  Except of course for the part where no one ever wants to be around them ever.

Even though both are the harder choice:

I choose to make amends if I hurt someone with my words.  Even if they still don't like me or won't accept my apology I still try.

I choose to accept an apology.  Which rarely ever happens with sincerity.  But I also chose not to take what everyone says so personally.  Because WHY??????  What makes this persons opinion so much more important than mine?  What makes them so much better than me that whatever they say has the power to make me feel bad?  I am the only one with that power.  And I choose to have it.

We all have the power of words.  And we all have the ability to build people up or knock them down with our words.  We should always debate and try to see each others point of view.  But if we hurt someone with our words.  We should own it.  It seems like a really hard thing to do but it's actually one of the most satisfying feeling you can ever experience in your whole life.  Making amends.

We also have the power to allow someones words to hurt us.  I'm human.  Of course I get hurt by what people say.  Do I need to carry it around with me for the rest of my life and let it eat a hole in my brain?  No.  I simply accept that the words were an opinion and move on.  Because life is just too short to let someone make me feel worthless.  If I chose to carry it with me I'm choosing to be a victim.  Which just makes me weak.

My blogs are honestly meant to open minds to the other side of things.  I do not write to preach or try to change anyones opinions.  I write for both sides to try and help each side see the point of view from the other side.  I honestly love people and wish everyone happiness.  I also highly encourage feedback because I honestly want to know your opinions.

Now that I've put all my feeling out there I must add a disclaimer to this blog because I am in fact married to one Jay Keres who most of you know and if you know him you know that many many things come out of his mouth that are entirely inappropriate.  If I could put a tattoo on my forehead that said "Im not responsible for what come's out of Jay's mouth" I would but I can't.  What I can do is tell you that no matter what comes out of his mouth it's NOT meant to hurt.  It's just who he is.  He has the biggest heart of anyone I know.  And if you tell him I said that well then... I'll have to kill you.  But it's true.  His intentions are never meant to hurt.  Most people don't intend to hurt.  But they do.  So I am on Jay like fly's on poo about this topic in particular.  I do believe that he too can see the other side of things.

So if you are on the receiving end of my wonderful husbands words.  Don't hesitate for even one millisecond to tell me about it.  Because I WILL confront him.  And believe it or not he listens to me.

In conclusion I suggest this.  Think before you speak.  And consider before you judge.  Everyone comes from a different place.  You don't know that what you say will hurt and they don't know that what they say will hurt. Give some leeway.  Because as much as you like to point your finger at someone else.....there is someone who is just as willing to point their finger at you...fix yourself.  That's all that matters.

My Mommy, My Hero......

OK. Yesterday I blogged about the Boogeyman.  Yes.  It brought up feelings for a lot of people.  Mainly My Mommy.  Not because I blogged about it but because everything I wrote in the blog was true and it was very difficult for her to read.  The truth is I could have written a lot more about the Boogeyman but I only shared enough to get my point across.  The Boogeyman does not deserve any more words......

My Mommy however deserves a whole lot of words.  When I look back on my life I mostly have memories of my Mom.  She was the one who was there no matter what was going on.  She was the one who worked her butt off to make sure I could get a couple of new pairs of jeans and a baseball jersey (when they were in style)  And believe me I REMEMBER THAT.  I remember being in the 4th or 5th grade and knowing that I needed that baseball jersey more than anything in the whole world in order to fit in with my friends who went skating every weekend.  And my Mom made sure I had it.

Also throughout all the years...with and without the Boogeyman...my Mom made sure that Santa always came to our house.  No matter how bad my life was or how scary things seemed there was one thing I could always count on and that was that Santa was going to leave a lot of presents under the Tree for me every year.  And not junk either.  It was always stuff that I really really wanted.  Things like the baby doll that ate and really pooped.  The mouse trap game.  Every Barbie thing I ever wanted.  She made sure it was there.  Santa was my Hero.  So really.  My Mom was my Hero.

Now.  My Mom had a choice.  She could have given me away.  I'm sure that there were plenty of couples out there who were more than happy to adopt a fat baby girl.  However she loved me so much that she just couldn't give me away.  And even though I didn't have a perfect life she did give me a family.  My Marescalco family.  My Gramma and Grampa.  My Aunts and Uncles.  And my cousins (all boys cept for Jill who was born way after me)  My point is that My Marescalco family accepted me for better or worse.  I was part of something that no one could ever take away from me.  And even though we've all had our issues over the years I know that no matter what THAT  family is MY family and would be there for me in a heartbeat.  Not only did she give me this family but she chose me.  And I believe that by choosing me she gave me a gift.  She was not ready to raise me.  She had to do whatever she had to do to keep me.  So when I think back on the Boogeyman I do not blame her.  I know that she was doing what she had to do to keep me in her life.  I also am very aware of the fact that things could have been much worse.  People think it's sad, or want to feel sorry for me.  Why?  I have my Mommy!!  And no matter what we've had to go through to be together I can guarantee you one thing.  She has always put me first.  Even when she didn't have the power to do it she did.  And by that I mean that no matter what has ever happened she HAS ALWAYS BEEN there for me.  Even if she had to hide it from the Boogeyman she found a way.  And when my Mom walked away from the Boogeyman I was 10 years old.  I KNEW he was bad.  I KNEW what he was doing was wrong.  I KNEW that he wasn't my real father.  So I also KNEW that we didn't have to be with him.  Of course when your little you don't understand big people problems.  For years I didn't understand why we couldn't just leave and never go back.  I understand fully now.  And I also understand that by leaving him she risked her life.  HER LIFE.  Not mine.  She put herself in danger to get us both out of a terrible situation.  She also left a huge impression on me when she did it.  I knew for sure that no matter what I would never ever be with someone who hit me.  It's amazing the power that a parents decision can have on their children.  And in this case her decision probably saved my life.  When she left him I learned that what he was doing was not OK.  That it was not acceptable......and that I would never allow it to happen to me again.  Also in her credit my Mom has never been in an abusive relationship since.  Which is almost miraculous.  To break that cycle is almost unheard of.  But she did it.  Because she's strong.

My Mom has always been my hero.  Even when I hated her I can tell you this.  Whenever I was in trouble or needed good advice from someone who I knew would not judge me I always called my Mom.  I could give you examples but lets just say that I haven't alway's made the best choices in life.  And when the shit hit the fan and I needed an escape route she was always the one with all the answers.  When I'm panicking and I cannot figure out what to do I call my Mom.  And so do a lot of other people.

OK so Mom and I were alone for a long long time after the Boogeyman. And I'm not gonna say things were perfect cuz they weren't.  But she did the very best she could under the circumstances.  And eventually she decided to change her life and become a healthier person.  When she met my Stepfather Bob things started to change.  And believe me I didn't like it.  Not one single bit.  Because all of the sudden I was experiencing tough love.  And the reason I was able to receive that tough love was because my Mom stepped aside and allowed my Dad to give it to me.  At the time I hated her.  I thought she was turning on me.  But he was strong enough to say no to me.  And to do what it took to help me be the best I could be.  And I can only imagine how hard that was for her to not "save" me.  He forced me to save myself and by doing so they both helped me overcome so many things.  And I'm being totally honest when I say that until I turned 40 I still thought my Mom and Step Dad were completely and totally nuts off their rockers coo coo for co co puffs.  But the truth was I just hadn't let go of the past.  And when I did I was able to see them in a whole different way.

If you look at where my parents came from, how they lived their lives and raised their children, you cannot help but admit that the parents/grandparents they are today are the most amazing gift ever.  I could not ask for better Grandparents for my girls.  My girls have only known them as the wonderful people that they are and my girls are loved by their Grandparents more than I could ever even dream of asking for.  My parents also love their kids the same way.  And no matter how many mistakes they've made over the years they have done the best that they possibly know how to do.

So.  As far as my Mom goes.  She's amazing.  She still influences every decision I make.  She is still one of my best friends in the whole world.  And I trust her to infinity.  She didn't always make the best choices but who does?  Who can judge that?  Not me that's for sure.  I've turned out pretty good considering the awfulness that I came from.

And for all you parent out there who think that it's "too late" to make a difference in your child's life.  Your wrong.  When I was 23 my Mom and StepDad both quit smoking.  She smoked a pack a day and he smoked 2 to 3 packs a day.  I just knew that if my parents could quit that I could quit too.  And I did.  It's NEVER too late.  You can always make amends, give the tough love that you have to give or set an example by changing something in your life that affects your children.  It's never too late.  I am living proof of that.  And I believe that my Mom choosing to become a better, stronger person is why I am a 42 year old woman who is willing to do the same.  She chose me, she saved me and she loved me enough to help me be strong.  NOT EASY folks!!  But she did and for that she is my Hero. Mom I love you.  Forever and ever.......<3

I grew up with the Boogeyman.

I have been putting this blog off for some time now.  I really want to write about things that are funny and wonderful but the sad truth is that all the things that make up who I am are not funny and wonderful.  The fact that I have overcome them is what makes me funny and wonderful.  Also I believe it's important for everyone to know that even though I live in a Happy Pink Bubble....things weren't always that way.  I was not raised in a perfect environment where everything was wonderful and my parents were supportive all the time.  Quite the opposite.

I always tell my girls they were made from Love.  This is so true.  No matter what Jay and I have done over the years as far as mistakes go my girls were each made in a moment of true love.  And there was never a moment for either one of us that wasn't totally 100% happy over the Moon about being pregnant and having another baby.

I was not concieved from love.  I was conceived in a moment of passion in the back seat of a car.  (Sorry Mom)  BTW I would never put this stuff out there if I felt that anyone I know would suffer a consequence as a result.  There are no secrets between my Mom and I.  I was brought into this world unexpected and unwanted.  Until of course my Mom held me in her arms and couldn't let me go.  Also My Gramma was rooting for me the whole time.  She even raised me the first year of my life.  I believe strongly that her love is what got me through the rest of my life.  And I will blog about her another time because she deserves an entire blog.

My biological Father did not accept me.  I don't know the whole story.  All I know from what I've heard is that he didn't believe I was his and his family didn't want me.  He went away shortly after I was born and I never saw him again until I was about 11 years old.

A year after I was born my Mom married my stepfather the Boogeyman.  Did she love him?  No.  She needed him to help raise me.  And that's where the awful part of my life began.  My Mom told me that one time when I was a little over a year I was in my crib crying.  The Boogeyman came over and slapped me down with one hand, told me to shut up and as far as I can tell I did.  My Mom said from that day forward I never made a noise.  I was so terrified of him I almost couldn't even breath in his presence.  Mostly he kept his hands off of me after that.  Except for the occasional belt lashing I was pretty good at keeping out of his way.  My Mom on the other hand was in an abusive relationship.  And the cycle is very clear.  There was only one time when we felt safe and that was right after he beat her.  When I say beat her I mean with his fists.

Imagine being 5 or 6 and hiding under your bed because your Dad is beating your Mom.  Now imagine being afraid of getting caught hiding under your bed by the Boogeyman and getting spanked for hiding.  To be honest I only remember that there were fights.  I don't remember the details but I do remember that aftermath of my Moms body when they were over.  And the wall in the hole that was a punch meant for her head.  And the time I called the police because he had her pinned between the car and the garage door. And the fact that the police didn't show up for 2 hours which meant my Grandma had to step in and threaten the Boogeyman with his life if he didn't back the car up.  Funny how the Boogeyman could beat up on a Woman but when it came to my Gramma he was afraid because he knew for a fact that my Grampa would pound him into the ground if he ever went against my Gramma.

There were also many many times when this abuse would just come out of no where.  Driving down the street and my Mom would say the wrong thing.  He'd just haul off and punch her in the face.  Driving down the street and I have a bad cold which is causing me to cough.  Him telling me to stop coughing or he's going to spank me.  Me gagging in the back seat trying not to cough.

One day when I was in the 3rd grade he finally hit me.  It was over something one of the kids in the neighborhood had done and because I didn't stop them he blamed me.  He hit me so hard I fell and he also did it in front of everyone.  That was the day my Mom decided to leave him.  And she had to plot and plan and hide and save in order to do it.  It must have been the scariest thing she ever had to do.  I cannot even imagine.

Now.  When I was in the second grade I found out from the Boogeyman's son that I was not the Boogeymans real Daughter.  At first I was upset because of course everything I believed was a lie.  But then I was sooooo relieved that I hadn't actually been a product of this Monster.  I was also relieved because I wished every single day of my life that my parents would get a divorce and I thought there was something very wrong with me for wishing this.  Turns out he WAS NOT my parent.  To call him a parent would be a joke.  He's the Boogeyman.

Over the years I was called out of classes and asked by councilors what was going on at home.  Somehow they knew something was wrong.  And I went to A LOT of schools.  I got very good at lying.  I also got picked up by the police once for being left home alone at too young of an age.  I also lied to the police.  Not just about the abuse but about what I ate for breakfast.  Somehow I knew to tell them I'd had cornflakes instead of leftover fried chicken.

My Mom did leave the Boogeyman when I was 10 years old.  And I believe that by doing so she saved me from a life of physical abuse.  This was during a time when the police did not respond to domestic violence calls.  When woman could not be protected from these men.  When no one was taking it seriously.  Fortunately at the time my Mom worked in the Federal Court House.  :D

After we left him he stalked her.  He threatened her.  He showed up unexpected all the time.  And I still lived in constant fear of him.  One night he followed her around town with a gun.  She stopped at a pay phone to call the police and when they came they were friends with the Boogeyman so they did nothing.  She finally had to drive strait to the police station and lay on the horn to get anyones attention.  This just amazes me.

Finally when they went to court she had backup.  Because she knew every judge and worked for one of the most well known judges. They all had her back.  They had all seen what the Boogeyman had done to her over the years.  The Judge looked at the Boogeyman in court that day and told him that if he so much as thought the word Bitch in my Mom's direction he was going to jail.  And it was over.  Finally.  We were free......

Well sort of.  Unfortunately this type of situation leaves a mark.  A pretty permanent one.  And I lived in fear for many many years.  I can tell you that I was in many fights when I was younger.  I never tried to start a fight but when someone attacked me all that anger and fear came to the service and lets just say I usually won.  That anger and fear was with me for a very long time.  Until the birth of my second baby which is when I believe it all came out of me.  I spent 2 years crying and letting it go.

I've seen the Boogeyman over the years.  There was a time when I used to shake when I ran into him.  I remember how much this upset Jay.  He can't hurt you anymore.  Well I knew that but I really didn't.  All I knew was that he was the Boogeyman and I was terrified of making him angry.  Then I had kids.  And I remember seeing him one day while I had my little ones with me.  Was I afraid?  Hell NO!!!  I was pissed.  I knew immediately that I never ever wanted him around me kids and that I would kill him before I let him even so much as "think" anything in their direction.  I looked him in the eye, looked away and walked on.  The message was very clear.  And so very powerful for me.

The Boogeyman is still alive.  And I wonder how I'll feel when he passes away.  I don't hate him.  I'm no longer afraid of him.  I really don't care at all about him.  But he was my Dad for a long time.  I don't know how I will feel.  I do know that it could happen any day and I honestly don't care.  I don't feel a need to go tell him anything.  Or make things right.  So I suppose when he passes it won't affect me either way.  Accept for maybe the part where I feel sorry for him.  Whatever demon possesses him that makes him the bad man that he is has made him a lonely man.  And for that I am sorry.  Because I do feel like there was a little part of him that was good.  That wanted to be good.  Maybe it's chemical.  Maybe it's a secret he's keeping.  Whatever it is....it's wasted his life.  And I do feel sorry for him.

Now.  As far as abuse goes.  I do not tolerate it at all in my life.  I do not tolerate physical or verbal abuse.  I don't care who you are or why you think you have a right to physically or verbally abuse me.  It's not tolerated.  I've told many people this and I believe it's even in another one of my blogs.  My husband Jay has never ever called me a bad name in our whole lifetime together.  Not because I won't tolerate it but because it's just not in him to do it.  Not for any reason.  Every heated fight we've ever had, and we've had many, he's never called me a name or said anything outright abusive to hurt me.  If someone feels a need to express themselves in this way to someone they supposedly love or are friends with than that person has a problem.  There is never any good reason to abuse.  NEVER.

I hope that everyone who reads this realizes that abuse in any form is serious.  Even if you've never been abused you still don't have to accept it.  Just because I was abused and saw abuse doesn't make me "special".  Example:  And I totally love this person I'm using but I won't name them.  Got mad at me and called me a bad name on Facebook.  I do not accept this.  This person apologized and then took back their apology by saying "Well your one of the only people I know that I can't say things like that to"  REALLY??  Hmmmmmmmmmmm....... I wonder.  Just because you call someone a name out of anger and they still stay friends with you does not mean that they accept that behavior.  You've left a mark.  And the next time you do it you'll leave another mark.  Pretty soon the marks add up and you lose a friend.  The only difference between me and everyone else is that I stop it at the first mark.  You get ONE mark.  And after that I'm done.  Yes.  Done.  Life is too short to be hurt by words that other people think they have a right to say in the heat of the moment.  And if I am going to set a proper example for my girls this is just how it has to be done.

I need to make it very clear that I am OVER the Boogeyman.  I do not carry around any negativity as a result of the experience and I feel very lucky and grateful for that.  I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me.  I have overcome my demons and in sharing this blog I hope to help others overcome their demons.  We only have so much time on this Earth and the best most wonderful thing we can do for ourselves and our loved ones is live to the best of our abilities.  For as long as we can.

Marriage and Babies

OK so here's the deal.  You fall in love, get married and run off to your honeymoon.  Maybe you lived together for a long time, Maybe not.  Either way you think you know this person that you have committed the rest of your life to.  And you do.  You know THIS person.  But you DO NOT know the person who you married who has kids.  That person is a completely different person than the one you met and married. Unless of course you've already had kids and then you got married.

Here's my point.  When you get married and have that dream of creating life and raising children together you don't consider certain things.  Like how you were raised.  Or how your spouse was raised.  There is a good chance you both come from completely different upbringings.  And when you have that first baby it's like the most wonderful thing you could ever imagine.  The love you feel is more powerful than anything on this Earth........

Then the baby turns 3.  And all of the sudden you have to start disciplining.  And guess what?  Even if you think you know 100% for sure what you would do.  You don't.  And if you say you do and you did your lying.  You don't know.  You can say all day long every day of your life that you "Will be different" than your parents.  Or that "You will NEVER" do what your parents did.  But the hard cold truth is that you will.  You will find yourself doing EXACTLY what your parents did and then looking at your spouse like they are the cuuuuraaaaaziest person on the planet when they even remotely suggest that you should do it their way.  Because their way is GOING TO BE DIFFERENT.  It's most likely going to be the exact opposite of what you think should be done.  And this my friends is when you finally "Meet" the person you married.

It does not matter how many conversations you had about how many kids you would have, how you would act if they got hurt, how you would discipline them when they misbehave.....you will not do what you said because you had NO FRIGGING CLUE!!.....  What having kids was all about.  And you had no clue what your response to having children would be.

How could anyone know until they have had kids?  They can't.  It's just simply not possible.  You absolutely have to have children in order to know what having children is all about.  And you have to have children in order to be able to make any kind of rational judgement about how children should be dealt with.  And if you don't have any children....yes I'm going to say it.....you need to STFU because you don't have a clue.  Keep your opinions to yourself please because those of us who have children do not care what you have to say.  I'm sorry but it's the truth.  Until you have your own kids you cannot possibly even come remotely close to knowing what it is like to be a parent or HOW to deal with kids.  You may have good suggestions or idea's but you just don't know.  Nothing in this World or in the Universe will make you stronger or wiser than having children.  And once you have children there is nothing that can hurt you more than your children.

Now.  Back to my point.  When you finally meet this person you've been married to who all of a sudden is someone you do not know because you are disagreeing on how to raise your children, you have to realize that you come from completely different places.  This person is a stranger to you.  If you are going to succeed at this business of raising children I would suggest therapy.  If you are not someone who wants to go to therapy than I would highly suggest finding a way to meet half way.  Because as much as I hate to say it children from broken homes usually blame themselves for their parents breaking up.  And guess what?  It's true.  Not in the sense that the child has done something wrong to make the parents break up.  But in the sense that the parents cannot come together and be strong enough to agree to raise the child together.

Example:  Mom stays home all day and takes care of the kids.  She has her way of dealing with things and then Dad comes home and trumps everything Mom has been working on all day to instill in the kids.

Example:  Dad is home and decides something is going to go down a certain way.  Mom steps in because she's the boss and trumps Dad in front of the kids.

I am the first to admit that Jay and I are not perfect parents.  We have 3 girls.  Kelsey is Keres 1.0 the prototype.  Bizzy is Keres 2.0 the upgrade.  And Jelly is Keres 3.0 the advanced version.  We have made many many mistakes over the years and I'll tell you who has suffered the most.  The children.  The reason Jay and I are still together today is because we have a love that is so deep that we cannot live without each other.  And in order to stay together we've had to realize that we are completely different people who bring different things to the table.  Meeting half way is our only option.  We have to be one as far as raising our kids goes.  If we aren't than we can no longer be.

So....... In my opinion.  And this is just my opinion but I really feel very strongly about it.  You do not actually meet your spouse until you have a child together.  And this isn't always a bad thing.  It's just something I wish I would have known ahead of time.  Of course it probably wouldn't have mattered because I knew everything.  But if you are open minded and willing to "hear" me remember that if you are married now without children....there is someone you are waiting to meet.  And when you meet that person try to be patient and understanding because guess what?  They are just meeting you too!

Do you believe in Soul Mates?

I've asked a lot of people this question and some believe, some don't.  Do I believe?  YES!  I believe whole heartedly in soul mates.  Not just because I met mine and married him but because I've also experienced it in other ways.

However since it is our 15 Year Anniversary today I would like to start with my wonderful Husband Jay who is without a doubt my true soul mate.  Just like we are all individuals and special in our own ways, Jays and my connection is truly unique.  Of course I had experienced what I thought was love on several occasions before I met him.  I can honestly say though that no matter how strongly I felt for anyone in my past I could never imagine myself walking down the isle and committing the rest of my whole life to them. It was always something I dreamed about and hoped would happen for me some day.  I was never asked by anyone to walk down that isle.  I think though that even if I had been I would have said no.  Because somewhere deep down inside of me I knew I hadn't met the "One"

When I met him I knew instantly.  There were fireworks, the World stopped and I think I even dropped my hamster......which didn't turn out well for him.  My point is that once I met Jay there was nothing on this Earth that could have kept me away from him.  And believe me when your young and in love there are lots of things that try to get in the way.  Especially when you have very dysfunctional backgrounds like we both do.  We have never broken up since the day we met almost 20 years ago.  We've had many passionate, dramatic, heart crushing fights but there was never anything that could keep us from wanting to be together.  He went on a business trip a week after we met.  Before he left we promised each other that we wouldn't kiss anyone else.  We talked on the phone every day and when he returned he had bought us matching tennis shoes in the American Flag theme.  I thought it was such a cheesy thing to do at the time but I also thought it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me in my whole life.  We still have our matching shoes.  :D

Not only do I believe that there was some outside force that brought us together (my Aunts set us up on a blind date) but I also believe that that force is what keeps us together and strong.  I can honestly say that even after 20 years with Jay I would not want to ever live one day of my life without him in it.  He is the strongest, most loving and kindest person I've ever known.  Now for some of you who know him well...you know he has a devilish side.  But this side has also made a huge impact on who I am today.  By the time I met Jay I had experienced so much pain in my life that I had a rock solid shell all around my heart and No One was allowed in.  He was able to chip away at that shell and finally break it open so I could learn to love and be loved again.  So I could learn to trust.  He IS the reason I am a better person today.  He never wavered in his love or commitment to me no matter how hard it was.  He SAW the real person inside of me that no one else could see.  And I believe that he was the only person who could see it.  I think he was sent to me, specifically, to help me heal so I could have a wonderful life.  His patients and love has shown me that I can share my heart and soul with someone and still be OK.  Yes there will be aches and pains along the way but the strength gained from those aches and pains is priceless.

I always tell my girls "I picked your Daddy"  And the reason I tell them that is because it's true.  I am one of the most fertile woman on the planet.  And No I did not save myself for marriage.  So I could have had babies a long time ago with just about anyone I wanted to.  I tell them that there is NO WAY I would have ever had babies with the wrong person.  Who ever this person was it had to be someone very special who would be the best Daddy ever.  And so I picked Jay.

Now for all of you non believers I ask you this?  Just because you haven't found your human soul mate have you ever considered another soul mate?  For instance my dog who passed away at the beginning of last Summer was for sure my Doggie soul mate.  I've had lots of dogs and animals in my life but Mojo was The One.  From the minute I brought him home he was my dog.  He was always there for me.  He was the one who put me to sleep every night when I was pregnant with Elizabeth.  He also slept under her crib for the first 3 months of her life to protect her.  When I was pregnant with Jelly I was very sick for the first 3 months of my pregnancy.  Like in the bedroom, door closed, no one allowed in at all sick.  I couldn't even be in the same room with Mojo because of his dog smell.  Just for the record I couldn't stand the smell of my family either.  My point is that when I kicked him out of my life for that 3 months he lost 5 pounds.  He was so dismayed that he just sat outside the bedroom door and waited for me to get better.  He stopped eating just like me.  He stopped moving just like me.  And when I finally got better and we were reunited he was right back to his happy Mojo self.

So I believe everyone has a soul mate.  Look around your life.  Maybe it's a pet.  Maybe it's a close friend.  Even if it's someone that was only a part of your life for a brief moment you know who it is.  I feel like the luckiest person to have found my Human soul mate and my animal soul mate.

Do I think I have another soul mate?  No.  I do not believe that there is anyone in the whole entire Universe who could be more right for me than my Jay.  I have these dreams where I'm not with him.  I'm with some other guy and I'm in so much pain because I KNOW I'm suppose to be with someone else but I can't find him no matter how hard I look.  I try to call him, I try to look for him.  He's not there.  And my heart is broken.  Then I wake up and I'm so relieved to realize he's right here next to me.  Even if I lost him right now there would still never be anyone who could fill his shoes.  He is the only one who will ever have my heart AND SOUL.

Mean People

Why?  I really wish I knew.  All I know for sure is that there are people out there who are mean on purpose.  They would never admit it.  They might make up excuses for being that way.  But the truth is they are just mean, ON PURPOSE.  And the one thing I tell my girls is that someone who is mean to you on purpose is not your friend.  I have been with my husband for almost 20 years and I can honestly say that the man has never done anything ON PURPOSE to hurt me.  Not once.  Even in his most angry moments he may have said things that he felt but not to hurt me.  He's never called me a bad name.  He's never made fun of me for asking a stupid question.  He's never tried to get back at me for something.  He's never ever not once in our whole lifetime tried to hurt me on purpose.  Now he's done a lot of stupid things that were unintentional that hurt me but that's different.  As soon as he knows he hurt me he feels bad.  And I feel like the luckiest woman on the Earth because believe me I've had a lot of hurt in my life and to find someone who is so gentle and kind has helped me to heal more than I ever thought I could.

I blogged about feeling comfortable in your own skin.  In that blog I talked about the fact that usually the only time I start to feel uncomfortable is when I am in a conversation with someone who is deliberately trying to make me feel that way.  I HAVE NO TIME FOR THIS PERSON.  Remember I said you know your in this conversation when you feel like you have to start making up excuses for being who you are.  And that's just a big ole giant pile of crap!!!  I should NEVER have to "Excuse" myself.  I am who I am.  If you don't like me that way than GET THE *! OUT OF MY LIFE!!!  And especially if you feel a strong urge to point out what you don't like about me.  Because fortunately for you I have learned that being mean back is not an option.  But if you push me......you might just get an earful.

OK here's the deal.  If I take the time out to get a babysitter, leave my kids at home and go out to spend time with someone, ITS NOT going to be with someone I don't like or who makes me feel bad.  I just don't have time for that anymore.  And I make no excuses for it either.  There are plenty of other people that I would much rather spend my time with.  And like I said before I'd rather be at home puking.  It's really that bad.

So the next time you get invited somewhere and you have that moment where you pause and think "I just know that this isn't going to turn out well"  Listen to it.  Because I can guarantee that you'll be mad at yourself for going.  And you'll be filled with bad feelings that you didn't have to have.  Life's just too short to be wasting it on people who don't like me.

My Imaginary Friend Belle

It's taken me a while to get around to this blog.  I know people are interested, fascinated and want to know more.  I do not actually have an imaginary friend named Belle but I will refer to this very real friend as Belle because the person I knew was not real.  She was "real" in body only.  So I could see her but I could not "SEE" her.   This is why I call her my imaginary friend.  I had a hard time letting go of Belle........

First I need to make it very clear that I never knew my friend Belle had been involved in the shooting death of another human being.  I knew that she had been through a very traumatic home invasion.  I knew a few details but I did not know what the outcome was.  I'm not sure now if I had known what I would have thought or done.  I still cannot say because at the time she was my friend Belle and I thought the world of her.  I think I would have believed her.  I think I would have had compassion for her.  I also think it's why she picked me to be her friend.

I met Belle through my children.  Our first phone conversation was very friendly and shortly after that our first face to face meeting went very well.  We hit it off right away.  I liked her.  She was worldly and sophisticated.  She was beautiful and seemed like a very confidant woman.  She did not ever once make me feel like I wasn't good enough for her or that somehow she was better than me because she had experienced so much more in life than me.  I specifically remember her making a comment one time and I asked her what she meant.  I was very impressed by the fact that she didn't make me feel stupid and just answered me.  When I look back on that moment I remember how she tilted her head to the side a little when I asked "what does that mean?" She thought for a brief moment and then answered me.  I think it was at that moment that she knew that somehow I might benefit her some day.  Which is so ironic because for me that was the moment I was sure we were going to be great friends because she didn't make me feel stupid.  Little did I know.....

Most of our time spent together involved being with the kids or just hanging out drinking champagne and chatting.  I am an open book.  I'll tell anyone anything about myself.  And so she knew a lot about me.  She knew I had grown up in an abusive home, she knew I've had battles with depression, she knew I was struggling with things in my life currently that made me a little vulnerable.  I can honestly say that there was never ever a moment during our friendship where I think she tried to take advantage of me.  I cannot look back now and tell you that she ever did anything that compromised my safety or the safety of my family.  She never tried to manipulate me or get anything from me.  And when she was arrested I felt like someone punched me in the heart.  I could not imagine my friend Belle spending the rest of her life behind bars.  It's literally made me ill.  I decided that I would have to wait for everything to come out and cross that bridge when I got there.  In the meantime I would have to remain her friend because that's what friends do.

I found out from my husband.  I woke up and he said "Did you hear about Belle?"  Of course I had no clue what he was talking about.  He took me to the computer, played the newscast for me and I promptly busted out into tears.  I figured out how to contact her and wrote to her right away.  Most of our letters were very general.  Just about every day things.  We couldn't write about the case because she was on trial.  The last letter I mailed to her was right before Halloween.  I sent her a little card and a letter with some crossword puzzle pages from a book that I'd bought just for her.  This also prompted me to get on the computer and check on how things were going with the trial.  It was at this time that I finally realized that I was in total denial about this woman.  I told my husband I can't find anything about her.  Well that's because I knew her as "Belle"  Her real name, when googled, brought up some other woman that I DID NOT KNOW.  I found out so many things about her and also found out critical information about the trial.  There's really no doubt in my mind that she is not Belle.  She is not even capable of having the feelings that Belle had.  She was an actress.  An Oscar Award winning actress.  Honestly if she could have taken her skills in ANY other direction she might be famous instead of infamous.

So.  What to do?  Well HOW THE #*@! DO I KNOW?????!!!!!  I've never had to end a relationship with a sociopathic killer.  Not exactly in the handbook.  I received a letter from her right after Thanksgiving.  She wanted me to go on Dateline or one of those shows to stick up for her.  She gave me all the contact information and told me it was obviously my choice.  However the tone of her letter was very different.  More like YOU KNOW, and YOU CAN TELL PEOPLE.  Well I didn't know.  And I can't tell people.  Suddenly it dawned on me that she did in fact have me around for a reason.  I was the friend who was going to go on National television and make a complete fool of myself sticking up for her.  And now I know that she really did think I was a complete fool the whole time.  So.  I just never returned her letter.  I'll never respond.  There's no point.

Were there Red Flags?  Yes there were.  She was always changing her cell phone number.  I couldn't get a hold of her for weeks at a time.  She was constantly trying to convince me that her ex husband was a very dangerous person who was constantly a threat to her.  And she avoided my husband at all costs.  Even to the point of being rude.  Which now I understand because he's a very strong man and most likely would have seen right through her.  But were the flags saying "I'm a murder?"  "I'm a very dangerous person stay away!"  No.  They weren't that red.  Towards the end I was feeling a little overwhelmed by all her wild stories and I admit I was pulling away.  I think she sensed it.  She came over a week before she was arrested and we sat on my couch together with my laptop planning her wedding.  My Mother told me later that Belle was using her Wedding to pull me back in.  She was playing on my emotions.  And it worked.

Now when I look back on all of it I realize it was never a real friendship.  There is a big part of me that wants to believe that I was special and she really did care about me.  However I don't believe she cares about anyone besides herself.  I explained it to my girls this way because they thought she was crazy and needed to be put in a psychiatric hospital.  I told them she's not crazy.  She knows exactly what she's doing and she knows it wrong.  She just doesn't care.  And that's the part that makes her dangerous.  She has no conscience.  She took a human life to gain something for herself which turned out to be about 1000.00 a month in child support.  She planned it, carried it out and then went on living her life like nothing ever happened.  As far as I'm concerned no one is safe from her.  Not even her own children.  And I also feel like I quite literally dodged a bullet.  I think at some point if she had figured out a way to get something from me I would have been a victim as well.

What did I lose?  Well nothing material.  And no lives thank goodness.  But I did lose the trust of my own intuition about people.  I mean I knew there was something about her that was off but isn't there something about almost everyone that we meet that feels off?  I think what it boils down to for me is something I will likely blog about in another post.  If someone in your life is bringing you bad and good energy than I think at some point you have to weigh the good and the bad.  See which side is heavier.  In this case the stories and the drama that was her life was pretty equal with the joy she brought me but the scale was definitely tipping towards the end.  If a relationship becomes so difficult to keep up with and starts to affect me and the people around me than it has to end.  Can I trust my intuition from now on?  Well I will tell you this.  I LOVE TO MEET NEW PEOPLE!!  It's my favorite.  But I will be listening a lot harder to that little voice inside of me that says "Is something up here?"  I won't be necessarily looking for things but I won't ignore them either.

I have to add that I did have a broken heart.  I truly loved Belle.  We had the most amazing conversations and we both enjoyed sipping champaign while just hanging out in a relaxed environment.  If there was any part of Belle that was real than I will always love her.  She will always be in my heart.  And for the rest of my life I will never ever forget her.  However I will move on.  And I'm sure that I will continue to meet amazing Woman throughout the rest of my life.  As a matter of fact I'm looking forward to it.  :D

My "BUBBLE!"

OK it's Pink and sparkly and it's all in order.  The thing is I have this Bubble over my head that holds all the things inside of it that I need to do.  By Bubble is PERFECT!!!!  And that's just the way I like it.  However it's a Bubble.  And what happens to Bubbles if you touch them?  They POP!!

What Pops my Bubble?  Well........kids, dogs, Jay, traffic jams, long lines at the store, red lights, the car wash being closed, backing into a truck at the Humane Society, waking up on the wrong side of the bed, the dog throwing up on the carpet I just got cleaned....I could go on and on and on.  Basically what pops my Bubble is life.  And for a long time I did not handle it very well when my Bubble popped.  And by not handling it well I mean TOTALLY FREAKING OUT!!!!  Because now I have to pick EVERYTHING back up and put it back in my Bubble while finding a place for this thing that popped it to fit in.

My Bubble is a gift.  Clearly it allows me to do a lot of things well.  For instance as soon as I know I'm having a party (which I love to do BTW) my Bubble starts to fill up with all the things that will be involved in this party.  I may make a list but I can assure you that the list is not as detailed as the Bubble.  The Bubble has Sparkly Pink thoughts in it that fine tune the details that NO ONE ELSE knows about.  And I don't lose anything in my Bubble.  Even if it gets popped I can still pick everything back up and put it back in my Bubble exactly the way it was, of course adding the thing that popped it.

My Bubble is a gift but it also causes me much anxiety.  My need for my Bubble to be so perfect makes me a difficult person to be around.  AND it doesn't allow for surprises or life to interfere.  So even though I love my Bubble and it serves a wonderful purpose most of the time, I've had to learn to allow my Bubble to be popped.

Here's how it happens.  It's Friday night and I'm in the middle of cleaning or cooking or getting the house ready for the weekend and Jay comes home.  He announces that we should drop everything and take our 3 kids out to dinner RIGHT NOW!  POP!!!!!!!  There goes my Bubble.  Now I have to fit in "Get ready, get kids ready, figure out a place to go, go there (with kids) and then get back home"  This may not seem like a huge deal to a person without a Bubble but if you have a Bubble you KNOW exactly what I'm talking about.  And this POP usually results in one of 3 things.  1. I scramble to pick up all my stuff and cram this other thing in with my bubble.  2. I flip out on Jay for even suggestion something so horrible like going out to dinner with the family.  or 3. I say No Way can't do that right now.  And no matter what happens I stick to my guns.

Fortunately for my family I have had so many opportunities for my Bubble to be popped that over the years I have learned how to calmly pick it all back up and move on.  I am a much more relaxed person that I used to be for sure.  And if I could go back to when my older girls were little I wish that I could have let a lot of the things in my Bubble go.  But we can't change what's already done.

So now.....when I'm all set up for my Avon Open House....and Jelly spills the pink punch on the Living room carpet at the very last minute before someone walks through my door.....My Bubble still pops.  But it's not nearly as traumatic for her as it is for me.  I have to say "It's OK" It was an accident and I'm not mad.  All while I'm picking up my stuff and putting it back in my Bubble.

Now this doesn't mean that I never freak out when My Bubble Pops.  Sometimes it builds....and builds......and then POP!!!!  All of a sudden for no apparent reason I am FREAKING OUT on my family and no one is safe from the wrath of my Sparkly Pink Bubble.  Everyone thinks I've temporarily gone insane and they start moving faster than you've ever seen in your life.  Out of fear mostly.

So.  If you have a Bubble feel free to contact me any time to talk Bubble's cuz I think the more we know the better equipped we are to deal with them.

If you LIVE with someone who has a Bubble.....well then I'm sorry.  Really.  There's nothing you can do.  You will pop their Bubble and there will be consequences.  But if you are really brave you could occasionally have some fun and Pop their Bubble on purpose.  This is a very risky procedure and I cannot guarantee your safety but in the end Popping someone's Bubble might be a loving thing to do for them because it will teach them how to deal with their Bubble.  OR they might freak out and attack you with a duster!