OK. Yesterday I blogged about the Boogeyman. Yes. It brought up feelings for a lot of people. Mainly My Mommy. Not because I blogged about it but because everything I wrote in the blog was true and it was very difficult for her to read. The truth is I could have written a lot more about the Boogeyman but I only shared enough to get my point across. The Boogeyman does not deserve any more words......
My Mommy however deserves a whole lot of words. When I look back on my life I mostly have memories of my Mom. She was the one who was there no matter what was going on. She was the one who worked her butt off to make sure I could get a couple of new pairs of jeans and a baseball jersey (when they were in style) And believe me I REMEMBER THAT. I remember being in the 4th or 5th grade and knowing that I needed that baseball jersey more than anything in the whole world in order to fit in with my friends who went skating every weekend. And my Mom made sure I had it.
Also throughout all the years...with and without the Boogeyman...my Mom made sure that Santa always came to our house. No matter how bad my life was or how scary things seemed there was one thing I could always count on and that was that Santa was going to leave a lot of presents under the Tree for me every year. And not junk either. It was always stuff that I really really wanted. Things like the baby doll that ate and really pooped. The mouse trap game. Every Barbie thing I ever wanted. She made sure it was there. Santa was my Hero. So really. My Mom was my Hero.
Now. My Mom had a choice. She could have given me away. I'm sure that there were plenty of couples out there who were more than happy to adopt a fat baby girl. However she loved me so much that she just couldn't give me away. And even though I didn't have a perfect life she did give me a family. My Marescalco family. My Gramma and Grampa. My Aunts and Uncles. And my cousins (all boys cept for Jill who was born way after me) My point is that My Marescalco family accepted me for better or worse. I was part of something that no one could ever take away from me. And even though we've all had our issues over the years I know that no matter what THAT family is MY family and would be there for me in a heartbeat. Not only did she give me this family but she chose me. And I believe that by choosing me she gave me a gift. She was not ready to raise me. She had to do whatever she had to do to keep me. So when I think back on the Boogeyman I do not blame her. I know that she was doing what she had to do to keep me in her life. I also am very aware of the fact that things could have been much worse. People think it's sad, or want to feel sorry for me. Why? I have my Mommy!! And no matter what we've had to go through to be together I can guarantee you one thing. She has always put me first. Even when she didn't have the power to do it she did. And by that I mean that no matter what has ever happened she HAS ALWAYS BEEN there for me. Even if she had to hide it from the Boogeyman she found a way. And when my Mom walked away from the Boogeyman I was 10 years old. I KNEW he was bad. I KNEW what he was doing was wrong. I KNEW that he wasn't my real father. So I also KNEW that we didn't have to be with him. Of course when your little you don't understand big people problems. For years I didn't understand why we couldn't just leave and never go back. I understand fully now. And I also understand that by leaving him she risked her life. HER LIFE. Not mine. She put herself in danger to get us both out of a terrible situation. She also left a huge impression on me when she did it. I knew for sure that no matter what I would never ever be with someone who hit me. It's amazing the power that a parents decision can have on their children. And in this case her decision probably saved my life. When she left him I learned that what he was doing was not OK. That it was not acceptable......and that I would never allow it to happen to me again. Also in her credit my Mom has never been in an abusive relationship since. Which is almost miraculous. To break that cycle is almost unheard of. But she did it. Because she's strong.
My Mom has always been my hero. Even when I hated her I can tell you this. Whenever I was in trouble or needed good advice from someone who I knew would not judge me I always called my Mom. I could give you examples but lets just say that I haven't alway's made the best choices in life. And when the shit hit the fan and I needed an escape route she was always the one with all the answers. When I'm panicking and I cannot figure out what to do I call my Mom. And so do a lot of other people.
OK so Mom and I were alone for a long long time after the Boogeyman. And I'm not gonna say things were perfect cuz they weren't. But she did the very best she could under the circumstances. And eventually she decided to change her life and become a healthier person. When she met my Stepfather Bob things started to change. And believe me I didn't like it. Not one single bit. Because all of the sudden I was experiencing tough love. And the reason I was able to receive that tough love was because my Mom stepped aside and allowed my Dad to give it to me. At the time I hated her. I thought she was turning on me. But he was strong enough to say no to me. And to do what it took to help me be the best I could be. And I can only imagine how hard that was for her to not "save" me. He forced me to save myself and by doing so they both helped me overcome so many things. And I'm being totally honest when I say that until I turned 40 I still thought my Mom and Step Dad were completely and totally nuts off their rockers coo coo for co co puffs. But the truth was I just hadn't let go of the past. And when I did I was able to see them in a whole different way.
If you look at where my parents came from, how they lived their lives and raised their children, you cannot help but admit that the parents/grandparents they are today are the most amazing gift ever. I could not ask for better Grandparents for my girls. My girls have only known them as the wonderful people that they are and my girls are loved by their Grandparents more than I could ever even dream of asking for. My parents also love their kids the same way. And no matter how many mistakes they've made over the years they have done the best that they possibly know how to do.
So. As far as my Mom goes. She's amazing. She still influences every decision I make. She is still one of my best friends in the whole world. And I trust her to infinity. She didn't always make the best choices but who does? Who can judge that? Not me that's for sure. I've turned out pretty good considering the awfulness that I came from.
And for all you parent out there who think that it's "too late" to make a difference in your child's life. Your wrong. When I was 23 my Mom and StepDad both quit smoking. She smoked a pack a day and he smoked 2 to 3 packs a day. I just knew that if my parents could quit that I could quit too. And I did. It's NEVER too late. You can always make amends, give the tough love that you have to give or set an example by changing something in your life that affects your children. It's never too late. I am living proof of that. And I believe that my Mom choosing to become a better, stronger person is why I am a 42 year old woman who is willing to do the same. She chose me, she saved me and she loved me enough to help me be strong. NOT EASY folks!! But she did and for that she is my Hero. Mom I love you. Forever and ever.......<3
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