I have been putting this blog off for some time now. I really want to write about things that are funny and wonderful but the sad truth is that all the things that make up who I am are not funny and wonderful. The fact that I have overcome them is what makes me funny and wonderful. Also I believe it's important for everyone to know that even though I live in a Happy Pink Bubble....things weren't always that way. I was not raised in a perfect environment where everything was wonderful and my parents were supportive all the time. Quite the opposite.
I always tell my girls they were made from Love. This is so true. No matter what Jay and I have done over the years as far as mistakes go my girls were each made in a moment of true love. And there was never a moment for either one of us that wasn't totally 100% happy over the Moon about being pregnant and having another baby.
I was not concieved from love. I was conceived in a moment of passion in the back seat of a car. (Sorry Mom) BTW I would never put this stuff out there if I felt that anyone I know would suffer a consequence as a result. There are no secrets between my Mom and I. I was brought into this world unexpected and unwanted. Until of course my Mom held me in her arms and couldn't let me go. Also My Gramma was rooting for me the whole time. She even raised me the first year of my life. I believe strongly that her love is what got me through the rest of my life. And I will blog about her another time because she deserves an entire blog.
My biological Father did not accept me. I don't know the whole story. All I know from what I've heard is that he didn't believe I was his and his family didn't want me. He went away shortly after I was born and I never saw him again until I was about 11 years old.
A year after I was born my Mom married my stepfather the Boogeyman. Did she love him? No. She needed him to help raise me. And that's where the awful part of my life began. My Mom told me that one time when I was a little over a year I was in my crib crying. The Boogeyman came over and slapped me down with one hand, told me to shut up and as far as I can tell I did. My Mom said from that day forward I never made a noise. I was so terrified of him I almost couldn't even breath in his presence. Mostly he kept his hands off of me after that. Except for the occasional belt lashing I was pretty good at keeping out of his way. My Mom on the other hand was in an abusive relationship. And the cycle is very clear. There was only one time when we felt safe and that was right after he beat her. When I say beat her I mean with his fists.
Imagine being 5 or 6 and hiding under your bed because your Dad is beating your Mom. Now imagine being afraid of getting caught hiding under your bed by the Boogeyman and getting spanked for hiding. To be honest I only remember that there were fights. I don't remember the details but I do remember that aftermath of my Moms body when they were over. And the wall in the hole that was a punch meant for her head. And the time I called the police because he had her pinned between the car and the garage door. And the fact that the police didn't show up for 2 hours which meant my Grandma had to step in and threaten the Boogeyman with his life if he didn't back the car up. Funny how the Boogeyman could beat up on a Woman but when it came to my Gramma he was afraid because he knew for a fact that my Grampa would pound him into the ground if he ever went against my Gramma.
There were also many many times when this abuse would just come out of no where. Driving down the street and my Mom would say the wrong thing. He'd just haul off and punch her in the face. Driving down the street and I have a bad cold which is causing me to cough. Him telling me to stop coughing or he's going to spank me. Me gagging in the back seat trying not to cough.
One day when I was in the 3rd grade he finally hit me. It was over something one of the kids in the neighborhood had done and because I didn't stop them he blamed me. He hit me so hard I fell and he also did it in front of everyone. That was the day my Mom decided to leave him. And she had to plot and plan and hide and save in order to do it. It must have been the scariest thing she ever had to do. I cannot even imagine.
Now. When I was in the second grade I found out from the Boogeyman's son that I was not the Boogeymans real Daughter. At first I was upset because of course everything I believed was a lie. But then I was sooooo relieved that I hadn't actually been a product of this Monster. I was also relieved because I wished every single day of my life that my parents would get a divorce and I thought there was something very wrong with me for wishing this. Turns out he WAS NOT my parent. To call him a parent would be a joke. He's the Boogeyman.
Over the years I was called out of classes and asked by councilors what was going on at home. Somehow they knew something was wrong. And I went to A LOT of schools. I got very good at lying. I also got picked up by the police once for being left home alone at too young of an age. I also lied to the police. Not just about the abuse but about what I ate for breakfast. Somehow I knew to tell them I'd had cornflakes instead of leftover fried chicken.
My Mom did leave the Boogeyman when I was 10 years old. And I believe that by doing so she saved me from a life of physical abuse. This was during a time when the police did not respond to domestic violence calls. When woman could not be protected from these men. When no one was taking it seriously. Fortunately at the time my Mom worked in the Federal Court House. :D
After we left him he stalked her. He threatened her. He showed up unexpected all the time. And I still lived in constant fear of him. One night he followed her around town with a gun. She stopped at a pay phone to call the police and when they came they were friends with the Boogeyman so they did nothing. She finally had to drive strait to the police station and lay on the horn to get anyones attention. This just amazes me.
Finally when they went to court she had backup. Because she knew every judge and worked for one of the most well known judges. They all had her back. They had all seen what the Boogeyman had done to her over the years. The Judge looked at the Boogeyman in court that day and told him that if he so much as thought the word Bitch in my Mom's direction he was going to jail. And it was over. Finally. We were free......
Well sort of. Unfortunately this type of situation leaves a mark. A pretty permanent one. And I lived in fear for many many years. I can tell you that I was in many fights when I was younger. I never tried to start a fight but when someone attacked me all that anger and fear came to the service and lets just say I usually won. That anger and fear was with me for a very long time. Until the birth of my second baby which is when I believe it all came out of me. I spent 2 years crying and letting it go.
I've seen the Boogeyman over the years. There was a time when I used to shake when I ran into him. I remember how much this upset Jay. He can't hurt you anymore. Well I knew that but I really didn't. All I knew was that he was the Boogeyman and I was terrified of making him angry. Then I had kids. And I remember seeing him one day while I had my little ones with me. Was I afraid? Hell NO!!! I was pissed. I knew immediately that I never ever wanted him around me kids and that I would kill him before I let him even so much as "think" anything in their direction. I looked him in the eye, looked away and walked on. The message was very clear. And so very powerful for me.
The Boogeyman is still alive. And I wonder how I'll feel when he passes away. I don't hate him. I'm no longer afraid of him. I really don't care at all about him. But he was my Dad for a long time. I don't know how I will feel. I do know that it could happen any day and I honestly don't care. I don't feel a need to go tell him anything. Or make things right. So I suppose when he passes it won't affect me either way. Accept for maybe the part where I feel sorry for him. Whatever demon possesses him that makes him the bad man that he is has made him a lonely man. And for that I am sorry. Because I do feel like there was a little part of him that was good. That wanted to be good. Maybe it's chemical. Maybe it's a secret he's keeping. Whatever it is....it's wasted his life. And I do feel sorry for him.
Now. As far as abuse goes. I do not tolerate it at all in my life. I do not tolerate physical or verbal abuse. I don't care who you are or why you think you have a right to physically or verbally abuse me. It's not tolerated. I've told many people this and I believe it's even in another one of my blogs. My husband Jay has never ever called me a bad name in our whole lifetime together. Not because I won't tolerate it but because it's just not in him to do it. Not for any reason. Every heated fight we've ever had, and we've had many, he's never called me a name or said anything outright abusive to hurt me. If someone feels a need to express themselves in this way to someone they supposedly love or are friends with than that person has a problem. There is never any good reason to abuse. NEVER.
I hope that everyone who reads this realizes that abuse in any form is serious. Even if you've never been abused you still don't have to accept it. Just because I was abused and saw abuse doesn't make me "special". Example: And I totally love this person I'm using but I won't name them. Got mad at me and called me a bad name on Facebook. I do not accept this. This person apologized and then took back their apology by saying "Well your one of the only people I know that I can't say things like that to" REALLY?? Hmmmmmmmmmmm....... I wonder. Just because you call someone a name out of anger and they still stay friends with you does not mean that they accept that behavior. You've left a mark. And the next time you do it you'll leave another mark. Pretty soon the marks add up and you lose a friend. The only difference between me and everyone else is that I stop it at the first mark. You get ONE mark. And after that I'm done. Yes. Done. Life is too short to be hurt by words that other people think they have a right to say in the heat of the moment. And if I am going to set a proper example for my girls this is just how it has to be done.
I need to make it very clear that I am OVER the Boogeyman. I do not carry around any negativity as a result of the experience and I feel very lucky and grateful for that. I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me. I have overcome my demons and in sharing this blog I hope to help others overcome their demons. We only have so much time on this Earth and the best most wonderful thing we can do for ourselves and our loved ones is live to the best of our abilities. For as long as we can.
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