I believe that every moment you are alive you feel the love that someone is giving you. This belief comes from my own personal experience with my Grandmother who raised me for the first year of my life. It doesn't just start there though.
My Grandmother raised 7 children. When my Mom found out she was pregnant with me My Grandparents had a 3 year old and other older kids still living at home. My Mom was only 18 and of course she considered adoption because how on Earth would she be able to take care of me? She struggled with the decision until the day I was born. Every time she "decided" I was going to be put up for adoption my Grandmother would cry. Then my Mom would change her mind again and my Grandmother would be elated. This went on for some time before the day I was finally born and of course as soon as my Mom held me she knew she couldn't give me up. Even though from what I hear I was not the prettiest baby.
So we left the hospital and moved in with my Grandparents. My Mom got a good job and I was left in the care of my Gramma every day for the first year. She tells the same story of how she used to set me on the booth table in the kitchen on a pillow so she could work in the kitchen. She also made me the fattest baby EVER because she fed me a lot. Although from what I understand I was just as eager to eat everything she fed me. I was in a lot of ways her 8th baby....except for that special magic fairy dust that makes grand babies so special...so the love I felt coming from her even then before I even knew I existed was powerful. Not only did she fight for my life but she loved me unconditionally from before I was even born. Even though she had all those other children to take care of she took me in and loved me without regret or resentment.
After that first year we left my Grandparents house and my Mom married. That's when things changed drastically for me. I went from being with the most loving person in my whole world to living with the Boogeyman (another blog) And of course my life was never the same.
Now I don't tell the bad things so that people can feel sorry for me. It's the very last thing I want. I tell them because they are just as important to my life as the good things that happen. They fit in just like a puzzle piece. So when I say I went from good to bad I'm just leading into why I believe so strongly in unconditional love.
So. Basically for the next 10 to 15 years or so not a lot of good things happened for me. I do have good memories of my childhood but they usually involve people and things that happened outside of my home. And I struggled. When my Mom finally divorced the Boogeyman I walked a fine line between making good choices and bad ones. I had many many many times when I felt hopeless and like no one cared about me. I made a lot of BAD choices and still look back and wonder how I'm even alive today.
However....in my most worst moments of despair...when I really felt like I had nothing to live for and that no one cared....I always had this "sense" that I was worth something. That something about me was special enough to push through the pain and stick around. I believe that was my Grandmother. I believe that the love she stuffed me full of in that first year of my life gave me my self worth forever and ever. And even though at all those times when I felt that despair I never once thought "Oh but my Gramma loves me" or "Well Gramma thinks I'm worth something" I believe that it was her gift of unconditional love way deep down inside of me that somehow found it's way through all the pain to my brain and made me feel that no matter how bad things got, or how worthless I thought I was...that I was worth loving.
I didn't make this connection until very recently. I always wondered how I got through all those bad times. Then I had my own babies. And I just knew that even though they were completely helpless and totally unable to understand me that the love I poured into them even in that first year of their lives made a huge difference. That they could "feel" it even if they didn't know what it was. Then I knew. I knew why I had made it all those years. Unconditional love.
Even though bad things happened for most of my childhood that one year is what held me together my whole life. It's something I still feel today. I don't have to be with my Grandmother to feel her love. I know that I'm in her thoughts every single day of her life. And we are very very close. We always have been. She is one of my best friends. And the special love that she feels for me makes me feel SO IMORTANT!!!!!! Like the most important person in the whole world!! It doesn't' matter that I'm her Grandchild. What matters is her love for me.
So even though my unconditional love safety net came from my very first year. I believe that it can come at any time and save a person. It can happen anytime. I was just lucky enough to have the most wonderful Woman on the planet taking care of me my first year of life to fill me with that love. And I will always be eternally grateful to her for that. Because it got me through the very worst years of my life and saved me so that I could someday have my own babies and give that gift back to someone else.
My Grandmother is 82 years old. She is still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. She is still one of the strongest woman I've ever known. She is AMAZING at finding things that are perfect for very specific people. She has never stopped moving except for when it was physically impossible for her to do so. She has raised 7 children and one Grandchild. Honestly I'm not even sure she's human because she has superpower strength!! And I am so grateful and blessed to be able to say that she is MY Grandmother. MY GRAMMA. My gift of unconditional love. My hero.
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