Before I was a Mom I was a very selfish spoiled person. I was an only child and although I didn't grow up in a family that offered me all the love and support, or monetary things that other only children may have had....I still did not have to compete with anyone for attention. Of course this also means if something broke or got spilled I had no one else to blame. So sharing...even the blame...was not something I was at all used to. MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I became pregnant I was just sure that I was going to be a horrible Mother because of this. I could not imagine that all the selfish feelings I had would ever go away for anyone. However when they put my sweet little baby Kelsey into my arms there was absolutely nothing in the whole World I would not have given up for her and I knew that instantly. She was my WHOLE World from that moment on. I never questioned who came first. One of my most precious memories from Kelsey's birth is when I woke up at 2am and she was in the nursery. I wanted her. STAT!! Jay was sleeping and told me to just rest and wait but I could not wait I wanted her. So picked up the phone and called the nursery. I said these words to the nurse, mostly because I couldn't think strait but also because I couldn't remember my baby's name at that exact moment. (Happens to me a lot) I said "This is Mrs. Keres. Please bring me my baby!" Because being away from her was too much. I just wanted her in my arms all the time. And it turns out I was a natural. I had never ever held a newborn in my whole life but she fit into my arms like a glove and I just knew exactly what to do with her.
When I found out I was pregnant with Elizabeth the first thing that happened was I started shaking. I was excited but at this point I knew exactly what was coming and to be honest it was a little scary. I asked myself over and over again throughout the pregnancy "How can I possibly love this child as much as I love Kelsey?" I was just sure that it wasn't possible. That there was NO WAY I could ever love any child as much as I loved Kelsey. I think this is a very common fear for Mom's who are pregnant with their second child. But I'm here to tell you that there is so much love in your heart that you could have 15 children and you would love them all. They are a part of you. They are literally the loves of your life.
For many many years....7.....after Elizabeth was born, I was on the fence about having another baby. I knew that I wanted one but there was always that rational side of me pulling and saying "You have 2 beautiful girls. Why rock the boat?" Well I heard someone say once that they just felt like someone was missing from their family and that's how they knew they wanted another one. That's exactly how I felt. Also there was always the lingering "Would love to give Jay a little boy" in the back of my head. Which is BTW totally insane thinking because if you know my husband you would ask "WHY????" His little boy would no doubt be impossible to control.....but I would still love him.
So I left it up to God. I stopped my birth control and of course within a month I was pregnant. WORST pregnancy!!! SO SICK!! Spent 3 months in my bedroom cuz I couldn't stand the smell of my family. My dog lost 5lbs because I kicked him out of my life for 3 months. I could smell him from across the room. I was just sure that I was carrying the devils baby. I even called her "Devil Baby" And I was also sure I'd never feel better. But I did eventually start to feel better and the excitement came back. At some point during the pregnancy they had to do Old Lady tests on my because I was over 35. When the Dr. called me and I heard his voice on the phone I almost passed out. The Dr. DOES NOT call unless it's bad news. And it was. My blood tests showed that Jelena might have downs. And so just when you think you've got this Mom thing down you find out that it does get harder. And I'm not afraid to admit that I was not happy about the idea of having a downs baby. I absolutely knew 100% for sure that I would love her no matter what but I did not want a child to have to suffer through life with any kind of problems. We waited 3 days to find out the results and 2 days before Christmas we found out that not only did our baby not have Downs but that she was a girl. <3. Now I know I said I wanted to give Jay a boy but deep down I wanted another girl and so I was thrilled. :D.
As a Mom I have so many good days and so many bad days. It's just in the job title. But on this day of all day's I am reminded that the only reason I am a Mom is because of my beautiful children who I was totally blessed to have. I don't get to take credit for that part. They were handed to me by higher power who entrusted me with their lives. They are the reason I am who I am today. And for that I will always be eternally grateful.
And finally this is a personal feeling I like to share with all Woman. Even if they haven't had children yet. When I am feeling my lowest, having a bad day, thinking I'd like to lock all my kids in a closet and run for my life or maybe just looking for a little feel good moment. I can take myself back to the days that each one of my girls was born. I remember the excitement, I remember the work, I remember all the people in the room looking at my Hoo Hoo. But mostly I remember the feeling of KNOWING my baby was coming.....the feeling of excitement on the way to the hospital....the way my husband stepped up and got me through each and every birth. And most important the way it felt when I finally got to meet them. That's a feeling that I'll never forget and will always be able to reach back into my emotional vault to grab it out anytime I need a boost. Because no matter what happens to me there is nothing or no one who can take that feeling away from me. For me, giving birth was the most wonderful thing I've ever experienced. Nothing will ever compare. It's a truly a miracle. Each and every time.
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