I want to make this perfectly clear. I have always been a stay at home Mom. Since my first child was born almost 15 years ago I've never worked outside the home. My point of view can only be from a stay at home Mom's point of view because I've never known anything else. This has nothing to do with Mom's who work FOR WHATEVER REASON. I do not judge these Mom's at all. I only hope that they are able to raise their children the way they really want to. I think whatever decision a Mom makes for herself is going to be the best decision for her children because if Mom's happy then everyone is happy. I think the Mommy wars are ridiculous. As long as we are loving our children, teaching them good values and they are safe, there is no reason to judge a decision that another Mom is making by choosing to work or stay home.
Now when I go through the reasons I decided to stay home with my kids some Mother's may take it as a slam if they didn't. This is not at all my intention. I am made up of way different stuff than every other Mom out there. We all are. And our decisions are hopefully made from our hearts and our guts. I like to call it our heart of hearts.
I knew from the second I found out I was pregnant that I would not be working. It didn't matter to me if there was less money. I just knew that I couldn't leave my baby with anyone else. Or more accurately I just couldn't leave her at all. (Even though I locked myself out of the house the second week of her life)
I grew up in a very unsafe environment and I felt that the only way I could give that safety to my girls was to be the one who was with them all the time. It was a decision I felt deep down in my soul. The decision was made more for my sanity than for them. I would have stressed. I was put in many unsafe environments as a child with various babysitters. Not saying this to scare anyone at all. Just saying that I do not trust. And when it comes to my kids that's an especially aggressive feeling for me. I was also left home alone many many times as a young child. Too young in my opinion. And I was afraid. A lot. Maybe some people think that kids adapt and bounce back but not this kid. I've had fear inside of me my whole life for the way I was raised. And I make no excuses for anyone who was involved in that. I was not protected. I was left alone. And I was put in situations that were not safe. I believe that one bad thing can change a person forever and if I can prevent this with my kids I will.
The second reason it made sense for me to stay home was that there was no way I could make enough money to pay for childcare. It didn't even come close. So why would I send my child somewhere JUST to pay for their childcare? Now. Someone else may make the decision to do this because for them they need that in their life. I however did not. I was more than happy to spend mornings cuddling in bed with my baby. And I will be the first to admit that for the most part there is no set structure in our lives. I'm not that Mom who makes charts and schedules. I do not want to live the time I spend with my girls that way. I want to be able to get up on a Summer day and decide were all gonna snuggle up on the couch and watch saved up shows of something we've been waiting to watch. Or wake up and decide were going to to Zoo last minute. Or wake up with no plans and end up hanging out on the deck tanning in the Sun and giggling at each other for random silly stuff that happens. Sometimes I wish I could be that Mom who had it all planned out but it's just not in me to do things that way. I know my children are learning structure in school. They are required to be on a schedule, meet deadlines and follow strict rules. I want them to be kids at home. For as long as they can possibly be.
This doesn't mean they don't have chores and expectations at home. Mostly this is where Dad comes in. He is able to balance out that side of me that doesn't want them to have to do anything. And I believe they should be helping out. So they do have chores and boundaries outside of school. They complain that I don't let them do a lot of the things other kids get to do. As a mostly unsupervised child growing up I happen to know that if our kids are doing all the things other kids are doing they are usually not good things. And I don't shelter my girls by not letting them participate. What I do instead is tell them what the other kids are doing. And I'm not sugar coating anything.
When my girls are all in school for an entire day will I go back to work? Because then I won't be paying for childcare. I won't have to worry about them. There's no cost to me. Well that depends. I have a lot of things I would like to do that I haven't been able to do for a long time because my kids are here. I also have no desire to have to answer to anyone else on this whole entire planet except for my kids. They are my first priority. I want to be here when they get home. I want to be able to go get them at a moments notice if they get ill. I do not want to have to feel "guilty" or make excuses to anyone ever for putting them first. I brought these children into this world and I am the one person who should always be there no matter what they need. So unless there is a business out there who is willing to work around their needs I probably will not go back to work. By the time I drop off the 3rd one at school I will most likely have just a few hours before I have to go back and get the 1st one.
Now. I am not sure what the general consensus is on a Stay at Home Moms. I have a pretty good idea though. And I'll be 100% honest when I say it's a great job. If I get tired for a few minutes I can lie down on the couch and take a little break. If I don't feel like taking the kids somewhere I don't have to. If there is nothing on the schedule for the day I can sleep in with Jelly and snuggle. Lot's of wonderful good quality time can be spent with my children.
On the flip side......MY CHILDREN ARE HERE EVERY DAY OF THE SUMMER!!!!! And as much as we all love each other there is such a thing as spending too much time with someone. I don't care what you plan or how many crafts you have.....they will fight, they will complain, they will make messes, they will whine and ask for things until you think your brain is gonna explode. It's just part of the job. And it's a very stressful thing. It makes me want to run sometimes. But I KNOW 100% FOR SURE that some day I will look back on this and be so grateful that I was able to do what I wanted to do. That I was able to make a choice to stay home and listen to all the fighting and whining because there is also a lot of giggling and creative pranking and freedom that I believe children should have.
Is my job a cushy sit around and eat bon bons all day job? Well yes sometimes it is. I am a very laid back person. If you've been to my house you know that my set up here is clean....but laid back. We live in our house. And we enjoy our couches and TV and snuggling with dogs and foster puppies. We don't worry that the floors are not perfect or the walls have stains on them. We don't flip out when someone spills on the carpet. If I wanted a perfect life than I wouldn't have children. And it's not always the kids who break or make mistakes. So I try as much as possible to just go with the flow.
On the flip side I do like a clean home. So there is a lot to keep up with. I used to be totally OCD about how my house has to look. Now I just like it to be picked up and clutter free if possible. If I can't get the floors cleaned for a period of time than so be it. The floors will be here long after my kids are.
In the meantime I just want them to have a home where they can live without fear. Have a safe place to come to. To me I'm not really giving anything up. I never really had a plan until my babies came into my life and I knew right away that they were my plan. I love them more than anything and I love when they are home. I want them here. Even when they are driving me nuts I still want them here. I miss them when they are gone. And I know that before long they will be gone. Maybe by then I'll be ready but I doubt it. I will always want them close.
So for me staying home is my dream. Maybe I'm lazy sometimes. Maybe I get a tan a little sooner than everyone else because I'm not in a building all day long. Maybe I get to goof off and snuggle with my puppies more. But I also have my kids here. I know where they are and I get to see their beautiful faces.
My dream also includes a tremendous amount of stress. It's LOADED with it. And I always wonder why I'm so tired. Well I believe my kids are slowly eating my brain and I can't keep up with them the way I used to. I'm like one of those early computers that takes up half of your desk and my memory is all filled up, the applications keep coming in but I can't figure them out or find anywhere to put them. I can't do an upgrade, I can't get a new me. So I just keep trying to keep up. I'm totally outnumbered and sometimes I crash. People can judge me all they want for my down times but it's who I am. There's nothing I can do about it. I can only listen to my body and mind and take the time to recharge it. I can only assume that this crash affect is because I stay at home. Maybe if I worked outside the home and the stress came in a different form I wouldn't have the crashes. But I do. And thank goodness I'm a stay at home Mom cuz on those day's if I had to be somewhere I'd be fired.
Staying home has it's good and it's bad. But for me every second is worth it. I hope that my kids will look back some day and be glad I was here for them. But even if they don't I will always be grateful that they were here with me. We are together. And yes......I am insane........
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mother's Day
Mother's Day is my most favorite day of the year and YES it's for a very selfish reason. In my house on Mother's Day I get whatever I want no matter what. No one gets to say no to me. Now you might think that I would ask for a million dollars or a shopping trip but for me this means being able to snuggle with my 14 year old without her "acting like" it's the most horrible thing in the world. It means that my children have to be nice to each other all day long. In my house I am finally recognized for all the hard work I do all year to keep my family going. Do I wish this would happen every day? Yes. Sometimes I do. But I think that would make my job too easy. It's not suppose to be easy to be Mom. It's hard work every day and having one day out of the year where I get to be recognized for this work is just fine with me.
Before I was a Mom I was a very selfish spoiled person. I was an only child and although I didn't grow up in a family that offered me all the love and support, or monetary things that other only children may have had....I still did not have to compete with anyone for attention. Of course this also means if something broke or got spilled I had no one else to blame. So sharing...even the blame...was not something I was at all used to. MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I became pregnant I was just sure that I was going to be a horrible Mother because of this. I could not imagine that all the selfish feelings I had would ever go away for anyone. However when they put my sweet little baby Kelsey into my arms there was absolutely nothing in the whole World I would not have given up for her and I knew that instantly. She was my WHOLE World from that moment on. I never questioned who came first. One of my most precious memories from Kelsey's birth is when I woke up at 2am and she was in the nursery. I wanted her. STAT!! Jay was sleeping and told me to just rest and wait but I could not wait I wanted her. So picked up the phone and called the nursery. I said these words to the nurse, mostly because I couldn't think strait but also because I couldn't remember my baby's name at that exact moment. (Happens to me a lot) I said "This is Mrs. Keres. Please bring me my baby!" Because being away from her was too much. I just wanted her in my arms all the time. And it turns out I was a natural. I had never ever held a newborn in my whole life but she fit into my arms like a glove and I just knew exactly what to do with her.
When I found out I was pregnant with Elizabeth the first thing that happened was I started shaking. I was excited but at this point I knew exactly what was coming and to be honest it was a little scary. I asked myself over and over again throughout the pregnancy "How can I possibly love this child as much as I love Kelsey?" I was just sure that it wasn't possible. That there was NO WAY I could ever love any child as much as I loved Kelsey. I think this is a very common fear for Mom's who are pregnant with their second child. But I'm here to tell you that there is so much love in your heart that you could have 15 children and you would love them all. They are a part of you. They are literally the loves of your life.
For many many years....7.....after Elizabeth was born, I was on the fence about having another baby. I knew that I wanted one but there was always that rational side of me pulling and saying "You have 2 beautiful girls. Why rock the boat?" Well I heard someone say once that they just felt like someone was missing from their family and that's how they knew they wanted another one. That's exactly how I felt. Also there was always the lingering "Would love to give Jay a little boy" in the back of my head. Which is BTW totally insane thinking because if you know my husband you would ask "WHY????" His little boy would no doubt be impossible to control.....but I would still love him.
So I left it up to God. I stopped my birth control and of course within a month I was pregnant. WORST pregnancy!!! SO SICK!! Spent 3 months in my bedroom cuz I couldn't stand the smell of my family. My dog lost 5lbs because I kicked him out of my life for 3 months. I could smell him from across the room. I was just sure that I was carrying the devils baby. I even called her "Devil Baby" And I was also sure I'd never feel better. But I did eventually start to feel better and the excitement came back. At some point during the pregnancy they had to do Old Lady tests on my because I was over 35. When the Dr. called me and I heard his voice on the phone I almost passed out. The Dr. DOES NOT call unless it's bad news. And it was. My blood tests showed that Jelena might have downs. And so just when you think you've got this Mom thing down you find out that it does get harder. And I'm not afraid to admit that I was not happy about the idea of having a downs baby. I absolutely knew 100% for sure that I would love her no matter what but I did not want a child to have to suffer through life with any kind of problems. We waited 3 days to find out the results and 2 days before Christmas we found out that not only did our baby not have Downs but that she was a girl. <3. Now I know I said I wanted to give Jay a boy but deep down I wanted another girl and so I was thrilled. :D.
As a Mom I have so many good days and so many bad days. It's just in the job title. But on this day of all day's I am reminded that the only reason I am a Mom is because of my beautiful children who I was totally blessed to have. I don't get to take credit for that part. They were handed to me by higher power who entrusted me with their lives. They are the reason I am who I am today. And for that I will always be eternally grateful.
And finally this is a personal feeling I like to share with all Woman. Even if they haven't had children yet. When I am feeling my lowest, having a bad day, thinking I'd like to lock all my kids in a closet and run for my life or maybe just looking for a little feel good moment. I can take myself back to the days that each one of my girls was born. I remember the excitement, I remember the work, I remember all the people in the room looking at my Hoo Hoo. But mostly I remember the feeling of KNOWING my baby was coming.....the feeling of excitement on the way to the hospital....the way my husband stepped up and got me through each and every birth. And most important the way it felt when I finally got to meet them. That's a feeling that I'll never forget and will always be able to reach back into my emotional vault to grab it out anytime I need a boost. Because no matter what happens to me there is nothing or no one who can take that feeling away from me. For me, giving birth was the most wonderful thing I've ever experienced. Nothing will ever compare. It's a truly a miracle. Each and every time.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Fostering Dogs
When it comes to fostering dogs for the Nebraska Human Society there is one thing that is for sure. I get asked all the same questions from everyone I know when they find out I foster. It's almost like when your pregnant and people ask you the same exact questions that the last fifteen people you just talked to asked you. So I thought I may as well write a blog about it to answer those questions and also to add some of my feelings about what I do and why I do it.
The main question I get asked is "Is it hard to give the puppies back?" Well it depends. If they are truly puppies under 6 weeks of age then NO it's very easy to give them back. By the time they are that old I have spent the last 4 weeks making sure they are fed and cleaning up all their poop. And although they are hilariously funny and totally adorable by 6 weeks they are attacking you all at once and believe me even though they are little they are mighty little boogers. They are very wonderful to have around and they bring so much joy to our lives but by the time they are 6 weeks old I am ready to take them back and let someone adopt them. I KNOW they will be adopted because they are puppies. There's very little chance that they will sit in a kennel at the Humane Society for any length of time. Usually one weekend and they are gone.
The hard part is fostering the older dogs. The older dogs have personalities. They have funny little quirky individual to them little things that they do to make them special. Usually they need to be fostered temporarily for a medical condition to be cleared up. Once they are finished with the meds and Ok'd for adoption they do go back and get put up for adoption. After you have bonded with one of these dogs it's very difficult to let them go. Although with most of them I know that my house is not a perfect fit for them. For instance when I had Mama dog. After she gave birth to her 9 puppies and we got them all out for adoption it was difficult to let her go. She was so sweet and she fit right in here. But she was older and I felt she needed to be with a family that could just pay attention to her. Instead of a family that was always on the go. As it turned out she ended up going strait from my house to a nice retired couple who absolutely wanted nothing more than to love an spoil her. And she is happy now.
To cover some of the other various questions I get asked. I never have to pay for anything to keep the animals at my home. The Humane Society provides everything I need from crates to food to medicine and just about anything else I might need. The dogs and puppies are technically still owned by the Humane Society. I am just in charge of making sure they have a safe, comfortable stress free place to get them through whatever it is they are going through.
If I have a Mama who is expecting or who already has a litter when she comes to me and someone I know want's one of those puppies I can certainly make sure it happens. Our main goal is to find these dogs homes. And if I can find homes before they even leave my house that's even better. If someone I know does want to adopt one of my fosters they will still have to go through the Humane Society to complete the adoption but it is well worth it since they Spay and Neuter all the animals and take care of all the shots before the dogs ever go up for adoption.
Why do I do it? I can't help myself. I honestly just love dogs. All of them. I think they are so funny and quirky and they bring so much joy to humans. They are the most loyal creatures on the face of the Earth and to turn my back on that loyalty goes against all the feelings I have inside of me. Is it hard work? Yes. Do I get tired? Yes. Does it always work out well? No. But that just goes with the territory. They are worth it.
Will I do it forever? I don't know the answer to that question. I know I had to stop when I was pregnant with Jelly and then waited until she was about 3 years old before I started again. I always need to look at what's going on in my life before I take on a certain foster dog. But I think I will always foster off and on for as long as I can possibly do it.
My favorite is the pregnant Mama dogs. Bella is my second one. I've had Mama's come to me with their puppies and it's just as wonderful but there is something extra special about bonding with Mama and then watching her have her babies. It's like they are yours. And watching a Mama dog take care of her puppies like it's something she has been doing her whole life is one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. I cannot wait for Bella's babies. She's going to be a wonderful Mama.
So if you are on my Facebook or you know me at all you know I foster and you've wondered about it. If there is any chance you think you would enjoy something like this the Humane Society is always looking for Foster Parents. Not just for dogs but cat and kittens too. And I am more than happy to answer any questions you may have if you do decide to foster. Well not cats but dogs. :D
The main question I get asked is "Is it hard to give the puppies back?" Well it depends. If they are truly puppies under 6 weeks of age then NO it's very easy to give them back. By the time they are that old I have spent the last 4 weeks making sure they are fed and cleaning up all their poop. And although they are hilariously funny and totally adorable by 6 weeks they are attacking you all at once and believe me even though they are little they are mighty little boogers. They are very wonderful to have around and they bring so much joy to our lives but by the time they are 6 weeks old I am ready to take them back and let someone adopt them. I KNOW they will be adopted because they are puppies. There's very little chance that they will sit in a kennel at the Humane Society for any length of time. Usually one weekend and they are gone.
The hard part is fostering the older dogs. The older dogs have personalities. They have funny little quirky individual to them little things that they do to make them special. Usually they need to be fostered temporarily for a medical condition to be cleared up. Once they are finished with the meds and Ok'd for adoption they do go back and get put up for adoption. After you have bonded with one of these dogs it's very difficult to let them go. Although with most of them I know that my house is not a perfect fit for them. For instance when I had Mama dog. After she gave birth to her 9 puppies and we got them all out for adoption it was difficult to let her go. She was so sweet and she fit right in here. But she was older and I felt she needed to be with a family that could just pay attention to her. Instead of a family that was always on the go. As it turned out she ended up going strait from my house to a nice retired couple who absolutely wanted nothing more than to love an spoil her. And she is happy now.
To cover some of the other various questions I get asked. I never have to pay for anything to keep the animals at my home. The Humane Society provides everything I need from crates to food to medicine and just about anything else I might need. The dogs and puppies are technically still owned by the Humane Society. I am just in charge of making sure they have a safe, comfortable stress free place to get them through whatever it is they are going through.
If I have a Mama who is expecting or who already has a litter when she comes to me and someone I know want's one of those puppies I can certainly make sure it happens. Our main goal is to find these dogs homes. And if I can find homes before they even leave my house that's even better. If someone I know does want to adopt one of my fosters they will still have to go through the Humane Society to complete the adoption but it is well worth it since they Spay and Neuter all the animals and take care of all the shots before the dogs ever go up for adoption.
Why do I do it? I can't help myself. I honestly just love dogs. All of them. I think they are so funny and quirky and they bring so much joy to humans. They are the most loyal creatures on the face of the Earth and to turn my back on that loyalty goes against all the feelings I have inside of me. Is it hard work? Yes. Do I get tired? Yes. Does it always work out well? No. But that just goes with the territory. They are worth it.
Will I do it forever? I don't know the answer to that question. I know I had to stop when I was pregnant with Jelly and then waited until she was about 3 years old before I started again. I always need to look at what's going on in my life before I take on a certain foster dog. But I think I will always foster off and on for as long as I can possibly do it.
My favorite is the pregnant Mama dogs. Bella is my second one. I've had Mama's come to me with their puppies and it's just as wonderful but there is something extra special about bonding with Mama and then watching her have her babies. It's like they are yours. And watching a Mama dog take care of her puppies like it's something she has been doing her whole life is one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. I cannot wait for Bella's babies. She's going to be a wonderful Mama.
So if you are on my Facebook or you know me at all you know I foster and you've wondered about it. If there is any chance you think you would enjoy something like this the Humane Society is always looking for Foster Parents. Not just for dogs but cat and kittens too. And I am more than happy to answer any questions you may have if you do decide to foster. Well not cats but dogs. :D
Thursday, March 15, 2012
My Grandmother/Unconditional Love
I believe that every moment you are alive you feel the love that someone is giving you. This belief comes from my own personal experience with my Grandmother who raised me for the first year of my life. It doesn't just start there though.
My Grandmother raised 7 children. When my Mom found out she was pregnant with me My Grandparents had a 3 year old and other older kids still living at home. My Mom was only 18 and of course she considered adoption because how on Earth would she be able to take care of me? She struggled with the decision until the day I was born. Every time she "decided" I was going to be put up for adoption my Grandmother would cry. Then my Mom would change her mind again and my Grandmother would be elated. This went on for some time before the day I was finally born and of course as soon as my Mom held me she knew she couldn't give me up. Even though from what I hear I was not the prettiest baby.
So we left the hospital and moved in with my Grandparents. My Mom got a good job and I was left in the care of my Gramma every day for the first year. She tells the same story of how she used to set me on the booth table in the kitchen on a pillow so she could work in the kitchen. She also made me the fattest baby EVER because she fed me a lot. Although from what I understand I was just as eager to eat everything she fed me. I was in a lot of ways her 8th baby....except for that special magic fairy dust that makes grand babies so special...so the love I felt coming from her even then before I even knew I existed was powerful. Not only did she fight for my life but she loved me unconditionally from before I was even born. Even though she had all those other children to take care of she took me in and loved me without regret or resentment.
After that first year we left my Grandparents house and my Mom married. That's when things changed drastically for me. I went from being with the most loving person in my whole world to living with the Boogeyman (another blog) And of course my life was never the same.
Now I don't tell the bad things so that people can feel sorry for me. It's the very last thing I want. I tell them because they are just as important to my life as the good things that happen. They fit in just like a puzzle piece. So when I say I went from good to bad I'm just leading into why I believe so strongly in unconditional love.
So. Basically for the next 10 to 15 years or so not a lot of good things happened for me. I do have good memories of my childhood but they usually involve people and things that happened outside of my home. And I struggled. When my Mom finally divorced the Boogeyman I walked a fine line between making good choices and bad ones. I had many many many times when I felt hopeless and like no one cared about me. I made a lot of BAD choices and still look back and wonder how I'm even alive today.
However....in my most worst moments of despair...when I really felt like I had nothing to live for and that no one cared....I always had this "sense" that I was worth something. That something about me was special enough to push through the pain and stick around. I believe that was my Grandmother. I believe that the love she stuffed me full of in that first year of my life gave me my self worth forever and ever. And even though at all those times when I felt that despair I never once thought "Oh but my Gramma loves me" or "Well Gramma thinks I'm worth something" I believe that it was her gift of unconditional love way deep down inside of me that somehow found it's way through all the pain to my brain and made me feel that no matter how bad things got, or how worthless I thought I was...that I was worth loving.
I didn't make this connection until very recently. I always wondered how I got through all those bad times. Then I had my own babies. And I just knew that even though they were completely helpless and totally unable to understand me that the love I poured into them even in that first year of their lives made a huge difference. That they could "feel" it even if they didn't know what it was. Then I knew. I knew why I had made it all those years. Unconditional love.
Even though bad things happened for most of my childhood that one year is what held me together my whole life. It's something I still feel today. I don't have to be with my Grandmother to feel her love. I know that I'm in her thoughts every single day of her life. And we are very very close. We always have been. She is one of my best friends. And the special love that she feels for me makes me feel SO IMORTANT!!!!!! Like the most important person in the whole world!! It doesn't' matter that I'm her Grandchild. What matters is her love for me.
So even though my unconditional love safety net came from my very first year. I believe that it can come at any time and save a person. It can happen anytime. I was just lucky enough to have the most wonderful Woman on the planet taking care of me my first year of life to fill me with that love. And I will always be eternally grateful to her for that. Because it got me through the very worst years of my life and saved me so that I could someday have my own babies and give that gift back to someone else.
My Grandmother is 82 years old. She is still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. She is still one of the strongest woman I've ever known. She is AMAZING at finding things that are perfect for very specific people. She has never stopped moving except for when it was physically impossible for her to do so. She has raised 7 children and one Grandchild. Honestly I'm not even sure she's human because she has superpower strength!! And I am so grateful and blessed to be able to say that she is MY Grandmother. MY GRAMMA. My gift of unconditional love. My hero.
My Grandmother raised 7 children. When my Mom found out she was pregnant with me My Grandparents had a 3 year old and other older kids still living at home. My Mom was only 18 and of course she considered adoption because how on Earth would she be able to take care of me? She struggled with the decision until the day I was born. Every time she "decided" I was going to be put up for adoption my Grandmother would cry. Then my Mom would change her mind again and my Grandmother would be elated. This went on for some time before the day I was finally born and of course as soon as my Mom held me she knew she couldn't give me up. Even though from what I hear I was not the prettiest baby.
So we left the hospital and moved in with my Grandparents. My Mom got a good job and I was left in the care of my Gramma every day for the first year. She tells the same story of how she used to set me on the booth table in the kitchen on a pillow so she could work in the kitchen. She also made me the fattest baby EVER because she fed me a lot. Although from what I understand I was just as eager to eat everything she fed me. I was in a lot of ways her 8th baby....except for that special magic fairy dust that makes grand babies so special...so the love I felt coming from her even then before I even knew I existed was powerful. Not only did she fight for my life but she loved me unconditionally from before I was even born. Even though she had all those other children to take care of she took me in and loved me without regret or resentment.
After that first year we left my Grandparents house and my Mom married. That's when things changed drastically for me. I went from being with the most loving person in my whole world to living with the Boogeyman (another blog) And of course my life was never the same.
Now I don't tell the bad things so that people can feel sorry for me. It's the very last thing I want. I tell them because they are just as important to my life as the good things that happen. They fit in just like a puzzle piece. So when I say I went from good to bad I'm just leading into why I believe so strongly in unconditional love.
So. Basically for the next 10 to 15 years or so not a lot of good things happened for me. I do have good memories of my childhood but they usually involve people and things that happened outside of my home. And I struggled. When my Mom finally divorced the Boogeyman I walked a fine line between making good choices and bad ones. I had many many many times when I felt hopeless and like no one cared about me. I made a lot of BAD choices and still look back and wonder how I'm even alive today.
However....in my most worst moments of despair...when I really felt like I had nothing to live for and that no one cared....I always had this "sense" that I was worth something. That something about me was special enough to push through the pain and stick around. I believe that was my Grandmother. I believe that the love she stuffed me full of in that first year of my life gave me my self worth forever and ever. And even though at all those times when I felt that despair I never once thought "Oh but my Gramma loves me" or "Well Gramma thinks I'm worth something" I believe that it was her gift of unconditional love way deep down inside of me that somehow found it's way through all the pain to my brain and made me feel that no matter how bad things got, or how worthless I thought I was...that I was worth loving.
I didn't make this connection until very recently. I always wondered how I got through all those bad times. Then I had my own babies. And I just knew that even though they were completely helpless and totally unable to understand me that the love I poured into them even in that first year of their lives made a huge difference. That they could "feel" it even if they didn't know what it was. Then I knew. I knew why I had made it all those years. Unconditional love.
Even though bad things happened for most of my childhood that one year is what held me together my whole life. It's something I still feel today. I don't have to be with my Grandmother to feel her love. I know that I'm in her thoughts every single day of her life. And we are very very close. We always have been. She is one of my best friends. And the special love that she feels for me makes me feel SO IMORTANT!!!!!! Like the most important person in the whole world!! It doesn't' matter that I'm her Grandchild. What matters is her love for me.
So even though my unconditional love safety net came from my very first year. I believe that it can come at any time and save a person. It can happen anytime. I was just lucky enough to have the most wonderful Woman on the planet taking care of me my first year of life to fill me with that love. And I will always be eternally grateful to her for that. Because it got me through the very worst years of my life and saved me so that I could someday have my own babies and give that gift back to someone else.
My Grandmother is 82 years old. She is still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. She is still one of the strongest woman I've ever known. She is AMAZING at finding things that are perfect for very specific people. She has never stopped moving except for when it was physically impossible for her to do so. She has raised 7 children and one Grandchild. Honestly I'm not even sure she's human because she has superpower strength!! And I am so grateful and blessed to be able to say that she is MY Grandmother. MY GRAMMA. My gift of unconditional love. My hero.
Monday, March 12, 2012
To my Cousin Chris
Because I was an only child I mostly grew up with my Aunts, Uncles and cousins as my most prominent family members. My cousin Chris and I were born 3 months apart. He before me. It was quite a while before any more babies were born into our family so Chris and I were pretty much the "kids" in an entire family of growed up Italians. We had wonderful family gatherings and found all kinds of ways to entertain ourselves. We played games at my Gramma and Grampa's kitchen booth which is still exactly where it was back then. We would climb under the table to get in and out of the booth so other people wouldn't have to move but mostly cuz it was just fun to climb under there. And since it was Gramma's booth we knew it wasn't dirty under there. Not that we cared.....At that booth I also used to make my Aunt Patricia draw pictures of Chris and I getting married. Not cuz I like him "that way" but because he was my best friend in the whole world and that's just how I felt about him.
I spent most of my childhood with my cousin Chris. His Mom my Aunt Theresa watched me for many years while my Mom worked. And even though Chris got to go to Kindergarden before me I still went there most of the days of my life. Which also means we spent every single day during the week together during our Summers. I have so many wonderful memories from these years. I remember getting dropped off in the mornings and watching Sesame street just waiting for Chris to wake up so we could play....of course by the end of each Summer that excitement had turned into something else....
We swam almost every day in the Horse Tank that my Aunt Theresa had next to the house in the yard. We wandered the old neighborhood and him and his friends tortured my by making up stories about Giant Monsters behind buildings. We walked up to the candy store on 24th street and spent all the pennies we could gather. We caught red and black ants. Not the little ones either. In South Omaha the Ants are on steroids so they were the big juicy ones. He got the black ones and I got the red. When it was raining and we were inside driving my Aunt Theresa crazy (mostly this involved Chris whining that he WAS GOING TO DIE if we didn't eat soon) she would send us out on the porch to count raindrops. AND we did it!! We went to lots and lots and lots of baseball games together and I remember being in the back seat with Chris while my Aunt and Uncle (John) repeated over and over and over again. "Shut up Chris" Cuz he could not stop talking. I think even if we had put duct tape over his mouth he would have figured out a way to talk through his ears. We played baseball cards for hours and hours. And even though I know Chris was bored with this game after a while he still always played with me because he knew how happy it made me. Then there was the time he was spending the night at my house after my Mom was finally single and we decided to have an egg toss in the living room. When the egg exploded on the couch I'm pretty sure we both knew we only had mere moments to survive. But Chris had grown up with my Aunt Theresa and if anyone knew how to handle this situation it was him. He literally saved our lives.
My cousin Chris is literally the brother I never had when I was growing up. He's the one who know's every little detail about my childhood that no one else could possibly know. When I see his face my heart fills up with love. We've both had hard times throughout the years but the people we are today are worthy of a huge pat on the back. We've got this growed up thing even though as children we never imagined we would ever have to be growed ups.
The other night I got a surprisingly wonderful visit from my cousin Chris. My husband was texting him from Grandmothers because he lives right up the street and telling him to come get us and take us home. I had NO IDEA this was going on until Chris was in the parking lot. Not ready to leave I went out to try and get him to come in but he only had his socks on so he couldn't come in. I mean he was dressed he just didn't have shoes!! Cuz that would have been really awkward!! Anyway here's my most favorite closest cousin who I almost never get to see anymore cuz our lives are just so crazy and he's sitting there with this huge cheesy grin on his face at midnight ready to drive me home. That's just the wonderful person that he is.
So I got in and we chatted a bit. In the process he brought up my blogs and told me how much he enjoyed them except for one. The boogeyman blog. It was obvious to me that the pain he felt from reading it was very real. I knew that it was something that would be hard for people to read and I never wrote about it to hurt anyone. I did it so I could help others to realize they are not always alone. And that no matter what you go through you can always overcome it.
What I didn't realize is that there were some people who really didn't know what had been happening. I really thought everyone knew the truth or eventually found it out later on. He told me in that moment that to him it was always just a big blow up that happened over one weekend and then they got divorced. I HAD NO IDEA! I really thought he knew. And for him reading that blog, knowing all along that as we were growing up he knew nothing about it and did nothing to help pained him. My OBVIOUS answer to him was that there was nothing he could have done. Of course. He was just a child However I understand his pain. To him he's just finding out that the Woman he considered not just a cousin but much like a Sister had gone through all this and he never knew. And I'm so deeply sorry that I hurt him with my blog.
However Chris I need you to know this. Because this is YOUR BLOG. YOU were my best friend. My Hero. And for some twisted reason the man I was going to marry some day. :D You were my most favorite thing to look forward to every day even when we were sick of each other by the end of Summer. You were the one who always made me laugh and play because I had no one else to play with. And you were my "Safe" place to be. If I hadn't had you all those years I'm not sure I would have made it through as well as I did. And when I see your face it brings great joy to my heart because back then there wasn't much joy for me but you were the definition of joy to me and still are. I love you to the Moon and back and forever and ever and ever and no matter how much or little we see each other you will always be in my thoughts.
Now. I got March 16th 2012. IT's MINE and if you take it back I will hunt you down and make you eat worms.......
I spent most of my childhood with my cousin Chris. His Mom my Aunt Theresa watched me for many years while my Mom worked. And even though Chris got to go to Kindergarden before me I still went there most of the days of my life. Which also means we spent every single day during the week together during our Summers. I have so many wonderful memories from these years. I remember getting dropped off in the mornings and watching Sesame street just waiting for Chris to wake up so we could play....of course by the end of each Summer that excitement had turned into something else....
We swam almost every day in the Horse Tank that my Aunt Theresa had next to the house in the yard. We wandered the old neighborhood and him and his friends tortured my by making up stories about Giant Monsters behind buildings. We walked up to the candy store on 24th street and spent all the pennies we could gather. We caught red and black ants. Not the little ones either. In South Omaha the Ants are on steroids so they were the big juicy ones. He got the black ones and I got the red. When it was raining and we were inside driving my Aunt Theresa crazy (mostly this involved Chris whining that he WAS GOING TO DIE if we didn't eat soon) she would send us out on the porch to count raindrops. AND we did it!! We went to lots and lots and lots of baseball games together and I remember being in the back seat with Chris while my Aunt and Uncle (John) repeated over and over and over again. "Shut up Chris" Cuz he could not stop talking. I think even if we had put duct tape over his mouth he would have figured out a way to talk through his ears. We played baseball cards for hours and hours. And even though I know Chris was bored with this game after a while he still always played with me because he knew how happy it made me. Then there was the time he was spending the night at my house after my Mom was finally single and we decided to have an egg toss in the living room. When the egg exploded on the couch I'm pretty sure we both knew we only had mere moments to survive. But Chris had grown up with my Aunt Theresa and if anyone knew how to handle this situation it was him. He literally saved our lives.
My cousin Chris is literally the brother I never had when I was growing up. He's the one who know's every little detail about my childhood that no one else could possibly know. When I see his face my heart fills up with love. We've both had hard times throughout the years but the people we are today are worthy of a huge pat on the back. We've got this growed up thing even though as children we never imagined we would ever have to be growed ups.
The other night I got a surprisingly wonderful visit from my cousin Chris. My husband was texting him from Grandmothers because he lives right up the street and telling him to come get us and take us home. I had NO IDEA this was going on until Chris was in the parking lot. Not ready to leave I went out to try and get him to come in but he only had his socks on so he couldn't come in. I mean he was dressed he just didn't have shoes!! Cuz that would have been really awkward!! Anyway here's my most favorite closest cousin who I almost never get to see anymore cuz our lives are just so crazy and he's sitting there with this huge cheesy grin on his face at midnight ready to drive me home. That's just the wonderful person that he is.
So I got in and we chatted a bit. In the process he brought up my blogs and told me how much he enjoyed them except for one. The boogeyman blog. It was obvious to me that the pain he felt from reading it was very real. I knew that it was something that would be hard for people to read and I never wrote about it to hurt anyone. I did it so I could help others to realize they are not always alone. And that no matter what you go through you can always overcome it.
What I didn't realize is that there were some people who really didn't know what had been happening. I really thought everyone knew the truth or eventually found it out later on. He told me in that moment that to him it was always just a big blow up that happened over one weekend and then they got divorced. I HAD NO IDEA! I really thought he knew. And for him reading that blog, knowing all along that as we were growing up he knew nothing about it and did nothing to help pained him. My OBVIOUS answer to him was that there was nothing he could have done. Of course. He was just a child However I understand his pain. To him he's just finding out that the Woman he considered not just a cousin but much like a Sister had gone through all this and he never knew. And I'm so deeply sorry that I hurt him with my blog.
However Chris I need you to know this. Because this is YOUR BLOG. YOU were my best friend. My Hero. And for some twisted reason the man I was going to marry some day. :D You were my most favorite thing to look forward to every day even when we were sick of each other by the end of Summer. You were the one who always made me laugh and play because I had no one else to play with. And you were my "Safe" place to be. If I hadn't had you all those years I'm not sure I would have made it through as well as I did. And when I see your face it brings great joy to my heart because back then there wasn't much joy for me but you were the definition of joy to me and still are. I love you to the Moon and back and forever and ever and ever and no matter how much or little we see each other you will always be in my thoughts.
Now. I got March 16th 2012. IT's MINE and if you take it back I will hunt you down and make you eat worms.......
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Limbaugh/Birth Control
I literally JUST listened to Limbaugh's rant on birth control. My immediate reaction to the things he said is that of course I'm HORRIFIED!!! He's just really lucky he wasn't making his comments about one of my daughters because I would literally camp outside of his house with a sign that say's "Perverted, jackass lives here". And I wouldn't leave until I made his life miserable.
Now as far as his point of view goes I think everyone in this Country get's to have an opinion on wether or not we have to pay for someone to take Birth Control.
How do I feel about it? Well I think if Woman had access to it there would be less abortion and less unwanted children in this World. There are so many children in this World who are unwanted and if we could proactively give Woman the right to choose wether they end up in this situation maybe the numbers would go down.
Once he expressed his opinion about not wanted to pay for this, all of his comments that followed were without a doubt highly inappropriate. They do not make any valid arguments on behalf of his opinion. As a matter of fact he doesn't even make sense thru most of it and I think there is a good chance he's losing his mind.
And let me ask this? If he made a racial slur on his show how much trouble would he be in right now? How many people in the public eye have been fired from shows for making racial slurs? HOW is this any different. He's calling all Woman who choose to take birth control Sluts. I'm amazed that he can say this, still have his job and tomorrow if he said something about an African American he'd probably be fired.
That's where I stand. I think he's just totally nuts and once someone says something like this it's very hard to ever "hear" another word they say. I was never a fan and I can assure you I never will be.
Now as far as his point of view goes I think everyone in this Country get's to have an opinion on wether or not we have to pay for someone to take Birth Control.
How do I feel about it? Well I think if Woman had access to it there would be less abortion and less unwanted children in this World. There are so many children in this World who are unwanted and if we could proactively give Woman the right to choose wether they end up in this situation maybe the numbers would go down.
Once he expressed his opinion about not wanted to pay for this, all of his comments that followed were without a doubt highly inappropriate. They do not make any valid arguments on behalf of his opinion. As a matter of fact he doesn't even make sense thru most of it and I think there is a good chance he's losing his mind.
And let me ask this? If he made a racial slur on his show how much trouble would he be in right now? How many people in the public eye have been fired from shows for making racial slurs? HOW is this any different. He's calling all Woman who choose to take birth control Sluts. I'm amazed that he can say this, still have his job and tomorrow if he said something about an African American he'd probably be fired.
That's where I stand. I think he's just totally nuts and once someone says something like this it's very hard to ever "hear" another word they say. I was never a fan and I can assure you I never will be.
Friday, March 2, 2012
The Things We Say
Ok so for most of my life I am positive that in most situations I "Said the wrong thing" Now. Saying the wrong thing can have so many meanings that you literally cannot put a label on it. I could say "I don't like blue" to someone and literally offend them to the ends of the Earth and totally destroy any possibility of a future relationship with that person. Or I could say "Women who have fake boobs are sluts". Either way. No matter how small or how large the comment is....I am most likely going to offend someone. Now. I'm not a fan of blue. Not my favorite color. I like all colors to be honest but blue is not at the top of my list. I do however have fake boobs. So. BEFORE I had fake boobs and I made comments about them I had no idea what I was saying.
The things I say always come out of me with the best of intentions. Wether I'm trying to help, be funny or make an honest opinion statement. My purpose is not to hurt anyone. However everyone is so different that no matter how hard I try I will most likely offend someone. And I am truly sorry for that.
On the flip side though...if we are not able to express our opinions and feelings without worrying about offending someone than what kind of a World would that be? We learn everything by experience and by friendships and by the way we are raised.
I'm NOT saying that I will just say anything that comes into my mind no matter what the consequences. I do try to think before I speak and consider the person I am talking to. However I am still gonna say things in situations that are likely to spark bad feelings that I totally did not expect. And if I do this I encourage anyone who knows me to call me on it. And even if you don't know me...it's a random conversation in a bar....I still want to know. Because if I know that something I say might hurt you I will not say it. And if you tell me your side I most likely will see it from a different perspective.
There are 2 sides to this story and everyone is on both sides. You either say something that offends. Or you hear something that offends. You have choices.
If you are the offender and someone calls you on it OR you are aware enough to realize that you offended than you can sincerely apologize. And I mean sincerely. I don't mean fake apologize and then go around telling everyone you know how you had to apologize to someone for the way "they" felt. Or you can just be a totally selfish asshole and go through life not realizing that you alienate just about everyone you come into contact with. This is a very lonely choice.
If you are the receiver. You can stand up for the way you feel and tell the person who offended you. Keeping in mind however that there are two sides to every story and if you are SO offended by something someone says to you there may be a reason why. Unless of course it's some random guy in a bar who just say's "Hay your got let's get it on" And even when you stand up for yourself most people you encounter (unfortunately) are not going to hear your side. In this case you just walk away. OR you can just say nothing. And this person just goes through life offending without any consequences. Except of course for the part where no one ever wants to be around them ever.
Even though both are the harder choice:
I choose to make amends if I hurt someone with my words. Even if they still don't like me or won't accept my apology I still try.
I choose to accept an apology. Which rarely ever happens with sincerity. But I also chose not to take what everyone says so personally. Because WHY?????? What makes this persons opinion so much more important than mine? What makes them so much better than me that whatever they say has the power to make me feel bad? I am the only one with that power. And I choose to have it.
We all have the power of words. And we all have the ability to build people up or knock them down with our words. We should always debate and try to see each others point of view. But if we hurt someone with our words. We should own it. It seems like a really hard thing to do but it's actually one of the most satisfying feeling you can ever experience in your whole life. Making amends.
We also have the power to allow someones words to hurt us. I'm human. Of course I get hurt by what people say. Do I need to carry it around with me for the rest of my life and let it eat a hole in my brain? No. I simply accept that the words were an opinion and move on. Because life is just too short to let someone make me feel worthless. If I chose to carry it with me I'm choosing to be a victim. Which just makes me weak.
My blogs are honestly meant to open minds to the other side of things. I do not write to preach or try to change anyones opinions. I write for both sides to try and help each side see the point of view from the other side. I honestly love people and wish everyone happiness. I also highly encourage feedback because I honestly want to know your opinions.
Now that I've put all my feeling out there I must add a disclaimer to this blog because I am in fact married to one Jay Keres who most of you know and if you know him you know that many many things come out of his mouth that are entirely inappropriate. If I could put a tattoo on my forehead that said "Im not responsible for what come's out of Jay's mouth" I would but I can't. What I can do is tell you that no matter what comes out of his mouth it's NOT meant to hurt. It's just who he is. He has the biggest heart of anyone I know. And if you tell him I said that well then... I'll have to kill you. But it's true. His intentions are never meant to hurt. Most people don't intend to hurt. But they do. So I am on Jay like fly's on poo about this topic in particular. I do believe that he too can see the other side of things.
So if you are on the receiving end of my wonderful husbands words. Don't hesitate for even one millisecond to tell me about it. Because I WILL confront him. And believe it or not he listens to me.
In conclusion I suggest this. Think before you speak. And consider before you judge. Everyone comes from a different place. You don't know that what you say will hurt and they don't know that what they say will hurt. Give some leeway. Because as much as you like to point your finger at someone else.....there is someone who is just as willing to point their finger at you...fix yourself. That's all that matters.
The things I say always come out of me with the best of intentions. Wether I'm trying to help, be funny or make an honest opinion statement. My purpose is not to hurt anyone. However everyone is so different that no matter how hard I try I will most likely offend someone. And I am truly sorry for that.
On the flip side though...if we are not able to express our opinions and feelings without worrying about offending someone than what kind of a World would that be? We learn everything by experience and by friendships and by the way we are raised.
I'm NOT saying that I will just say anything that comes into my mind no matter what the consequences. I do try to think before I speak and consider the person I am talking to. However I am still gonna say things in situations that are likely to spark bad feelings that I totally did not expect. And if I do this I encourage anyone who knows me to call me on it. And even if you don't know me...it's a random conversation in a bar....I still want to know. Because if I know that something I say might hurt you I will not say it. And if you tell me your side I most likely will see it from a different perspective.
There are 2 sides to this story and everyone is on both sides. You either say something that offends. Or you hear something that offends. You have choices.
If you are the offender and someone calls you on it OR you are aware enough to realize that you offended than you can sincerely apologize. And I mean sincerely. I don't mean fake apologize and then go around telling everyone you know how you had to apologize to someone for the way "they" felt. Or you can just be a totally selfish asshole and go through life not realizing that you alienate just about everyone you come into contact with. This is a very lonely choice.
If you are the receiver. You can stand up for the way you feel and tell the person who offended you. Keeping in mind however that there are two sides to every story and if you are SO offended by something someone says to you there may be a reason why. Unless of course it's some random guy in a bar who just say's "Hay your got let's get it on" And even when you stand up for yourself most people you encounter (unfortunately) are not going to hear your side. In this case you just walk away. OR you can just say nothing. And this person just goes through life offending without any consequences. Except of course for the part where no one ever wants to be around them ever.
Even though both are the harder choice:
I choose to make amends if I hurt someone with my words. Even if they still don't like me or won't accept my apology I still try.
I choose to accept an apology. Which rarely ever happens with sincerity. But I also chose not to take what everyone says so personally. Because WHY?????? What makes this persons opinion so much more important than mine? What makes them so much better than me that whatever they say has the power to make me feel bad? I am the only one with that power. And I choose to have it.
We all have the power of words. And we all have the ability to build people up or knock them down with our words. We should always debate and try to see each others point of view. But if we hurt someone with our words. We should own it. It seems like a really hard thing to do but it's actually one of the most satisfying feeling you can ever experience in your whole life. Making amends.
We also have the power to allow someones words to hurt us. I'm human. Of course I get hurt by what people say. Do I need to carry it around with me for the rest of my life and let it eat a hole in my brain? No. I simply accept that the words were an opinion and move on. Because life is just too short to let someone make me feel worthless. If I chose to carry it with me I'm choosing to be a victim. Which just makes me weak.
My blogs are honestly meant to open minds to the other side of things. I do not write to preach or try to change anyones opinions. I write for both sides to try and help each side see the point of view from the other side. I honestly love people and wish everyone happiness. I also highly encourage feedback because I honestly want to know your opinions.
Now that I've put all my feeling out there I must add a disclaimer to this blog because I am in fact married to one Jay Keres who most of you know and if you know him you know that many many things come out of his mouth that are entirely inappropriate. If I could put a tattoo on my forehead that said "Im not responsible for what come's out of Jay's mouth" I would but I can't. What I can do is tell you that no matter what comes out of his mouth it's NOT meant to hurt. It's just who he is. He has the biggest heart of anyone I know. And if you tell him I said that well then... I'll have to kill you. But it's true. His intentions are never meant to hurt. Most people don't intend to hurt. But they do. So I am on Jay like fly's on poo about this topic in particular. I do believe that he too can see the other side of things.
So if you are on the receiving end of my wonderful husbands words. Don't hesitate for even one millisecond to tell me about it. Because I WILL confront him. And believe it or not he listens to me.
In conclusion I suggest this. Think before you speak. And consider before you judge. Everyone comes from a different place. You don't know that what you say will hurt and they don't know that what they say will hurt. Give some leeway. Because as much as you like to point your finger at someone else.....there is someone who is just as willing to point their finger at you...fix yourself. That's all that matters.
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