My Grandmother/Unconditional Love

I believe that every moment you are alive you feel the love that someone is giving you.  This belief comes from my own personal experience with my Grandmother who raised me for the first year of my life.  It doesn't just start there though.

My Grandmother raised 7 children.  When my Mom found out she was pregnant with me My Grandparents had a 3 year old and other older kids still living at home.  My Mom was only 18 and of course she considered adoption because how on Earth would she be able to take care of me?  She struggled with the decision until the day I was born.  Every time she "decided" I was going to be put up for adoption my Grandmother would cry.  Then my Mom would change her mind again and my Grandmother would be elated.  This went on for some time before the day I was finally born and of course as soon as my Mom held me she knew she couldn't give me up.  Even though from what I hear I was not the prettiest baby.

So we left the hospital and moved in with my Grandparents.  My Mom got a good job and I was left in the care of my Gramma every day for the first year.  She tells the same story of how she used to set me on the booth table in the kitchen on a pillow so she could work in the kitchen.  She also made me the fattest baby EVER because she fed me a lot.  Although from what I understand I was just as eager to eat everything she fed me.  I was in a lot of ways her 8th baby....except for that special magic fairy dust that makes grand babies so special...so the love I felt coming from her even then before I even knew I existed was powerful. Not only did she fight for my life but she loved me unconditionally from before I was even born.  Even though she had all those other children to take care of she took me in and loved me without regret or resentment.

After that first year we left my Grandparents house and my Mom married.  That's when things changed drastically for me.  I went from being with the most loving person in my whole world to living with the Boogeyman (another blog)  And of course my life was never the same.

Now I don't tell the bad things so that people can feel sorry for me.  It's the very last thing I want.  I tell them because they are just as important to my life as the good things that happen.  They fit in just like a puzzle piece.  So when I say I went from good to bad I'm just leading into why I believe so strongly in unconditional love.

So. Basically for the next 10 to 15 years or so not a lot of good things happened for me.  I do have good memories of my childhood but they usually involve people and things that happened outside of my home.  And I struggled.  When my Mom finally divorced the Boogeyman I walked a fine line between making good choices and bad ones.  I had many many many times when I felt hopeless and like no one cared about me.  I made a lot of BAD choices and still look back and wonder how I'm even alive today.

However....in my most worst moments of despair...when I really felt like I had nothing to live for and that no one cared....I always had this "sense" that I was worth something.  That something about me was special enough to push through the pain and stick around.  I believe that was my Grandmother.  I believe that the love she stuffed me full of in that first year of my life gave me my self worth forever and ever.  And even though at all those times when I felt that despair I never once thought "Oh but my Gramma loves me"  or  "Well Gramma thinks I'm worth something"  I believe that it was her gift of unconditional love way deep down inside of me that somehow found it's way through all the pain to my brain and made me feel that no matter how bad things got, or how worthless I thought I was...that I was worth loving.

I didn't make this connection until very recently.  I always wondered how I got through all those bad times.  Then I had my own babies.  And I just knew that even though they were completely helpless and totally unable to understand me that the love I poured into them even in that first year of their lives made a huge difference.  That they could "feel" it even if they didn't know what it was.  Then I knew.  I knew why I had made it all those years.  Unconditional love.

Even though bad things happened for most of my childhood that one year is what held me together my whole life.  It's something I still feel today.  I don't have to be with my Grandmother to feel her love.  I know that I'm in her thoughts every single day of her life.  And we are very very close.  We always have been.  She is one of my best friends.  And the special love that she feels for me makes me feel SO IMORTANT!!!!!! Like the most important person in the whole world!!  It doesn't' matter that I'm her Grandchild.  What matters is her love for me.

So even though my unconditional love safety net came from my very first year.  I believe that it can come at any time and save a person.  It can happen anytime.  I was just lucky enough to have the most wonderful Woman on the planet taking care of me my first year of life to fill me with that love.  And I will always be eternally grateful to her for that.  Because it got me through the very worst years of my life and saved me so that I could someday have my own babies and give that gift back to someone else.

My Grandmother is 82 years old.  She is still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.  She is still one of the strongest woman I've ever known.  She is AMAZING at finding things that are perfect for very specific people.  She has never stopped moving except for when it was physically impossible for her to do so.  She has raised 7 children and one Grandchild.  Honestly I'm not even sure she's human because she has superpower strength!!  And I am so grateful and blessed to be able to say that she is MY Grandmother.  MY GRAMMA.   My gift of unconditional love.  My hero.

To my Cousin Chris

Because I was an only child I mostly grew up with my Aunts, Uncles and cousins as my most prominent family members.  My cousin Chris and I were born 3 months apart.  He before me.  It was quite a while before any more babies were born into our family so Chris and I were pretty much the "kids" in an entire family of growed up Italians.  We had wonderful family gatherings and found all kinds of ways to entertain ourselves.  We played games at my Gramma and Grampa's kitchen booth which is still exactly where it was back then.  We would climb under the table to get in and out of the booth so other people wouldn't have to move but mostly cuz it was just fun to climb under there.  And since it was Gramma's booth we knew it wasn't dirty under there.  Not that we cared.....At that booth I also used to make my Aunt Patricia draw pictures of Chris and I getting married.  Not cuz I like him "that way" but because he was my best friend in the whole world and that's just how I felt about him.

I spent most of my childhood with my cousin Chris.  His Mom my Aunt Theresa watched me for many years while my Mom worked.  And even though Chris got to go to Kindergarden before me I still went there most of the days of my life.  Which also means we spent every single day during the week together during our Summers.  I have so many wonderful memories from these years.  I remember getting dropped off in the mornings and watching Sesame street just waiting for Chris to wake up so we could play....of course by the end of each Summer that excitement had turned into something else....

We swam almost every day in the Horse Tank that my Aunt Theresa had next to the house in the yard.  We wandered the old neighborhood and him and his friends tortured my by making up stories about Giant Monsters behind buildings.  We walked up to the candy store on 24th street and spent all the pennies we could gather.  We caught red and black ants.  Not the little ones either.  In South Omaha the Ants are on steroids so they were the big juicy ones.  He got the black ones and I got the red.  When it was raining and we were inside driving my Aunt Theresa crazy (mostly this involved Chris whining that he WAS GOING TO DIE if we didn't eat soon) she would send us out on the porch to count raindrops.  AND we did it!!  We went to lots and lots and lots of baseball games together and I remember being in the back seat with Chris while my Aunt and Uncle (John) repeated over and over and over again.  "Shut up Chris"  Cuz he could not stop talking.  I think even if we had put duct tape over his mouth he would have figured out a way to talk through his ears.  We played baseball cards for hours and hours.  And even though I know Chris was bored with this game after a while he still always played with me because he knew how happy it made me.  Then there was the time he was spending the night at my house after my Mom was finally single and we decided to have an egg toss in the living room.  When the egg exploded on the couch I'm pretty sure we both knew we only had mere moments to survive.  But Chris had grown up with my Aunt Theresa and if anyone knew how to handle this situation it was him.  He literally saved our lives.

My cousin Chris is literally the brother I never had when I was growing up.  He's the one who know's every little detail about my childhood that no one else could possibly know.  When I see his face my heart fills up with love.  We've both had hard times throughout the years but the people we are today are worthy of a huge pat on the back.  We've got this growed up thing even though as children we never imagined we would ever have to be growed ups.

The other night I got a surprisingly wonderful visit from my cousin Chris.  My husband was texting him from Grandmothers because he lives right up the street and telling him to come get us and take us home. I had NO IDEA this was going on until Chris was in the parking lot. Not ready to leave I went out to try and get him to come in but he only had his socks on so he couldn't come in.  I mean he was dressed he just didn't have shoes!!  Cuz that would have been really awkward!!  Anyway here's my most favorite closest cousin who I almost never get to see anymore cuz our lives are just so crazy and he's sitting there with this huge cheesy grin on his face at midnight ready to drive me home.  That's just the wonderful person that he is.

So I got in and we chatted a bit.  In the process he brought up my blogs and told me how much he enjoyed them except for one.  The boogeyman blog.  It was obvious to me that the pain he felt from reading it was very real.  I knew that it was something that would be hard for people to read and I never wrote about it to hurt anyone.  I did it so I could help others to realize they are not always alone.  And that no matter what you go through you can always overcome it.

What I didn't realize is that there were some people who really didn't know what had been happening.  I really thought everyone knew the truth or eventually found it out later on.  He told me in that moment that to him it was always just a big blow up that happened over one weekend and then they got divorced.  I HAD NO IDEA!  I really thought he knew.  And for him reading that blog, knowing all along that as we were growing up he knew nothing about it and did nothing to help pained him.  My OBVIOUS answer to him was that there was nothing he could have done.  Of course.  He was just a child   However I understand his pain.  To him he's just finding out that the Woman he considered not just a cousin but much like a Sister had gone through all this and he never knew.  And I'm so deeply sorry that I hurt him with my blog.

However Chris I need you to know this.  Because this is YOUR BLOG.  YOU were my best friend.  My Hero.  And for some twisted reason the man I was going to marry some day. :D  You were my most favorite thing to look forward to every day even when we were sick of each other by the end of Summer.  You were the one who always made me laugh and play because I had no one else to play with.  And you were my "Safe" place to be.  If I hadn't had you all those years I'm not sure I would have made it through as well as I did.  And when I see your face it brings great joy to my heart because back then there wasn't much joy for me but you were the definition of joy to me and still are.  I love you to the Moon and back and forever and ever and ever and no matter how much or little we see each other you will always be in my thoughts.

Now.  I got March 16th 2012.  IT's MINE and if you take it back I will hunt you down and make you eat worms.......

Limbaugh/Birth Control

I literally JUST listened to Limbaugh's rant on birth control.  My immediate reaction to the things he said is that of course I'm HORRIFIED!!!  He's just really lucky he wasn't making his comments about one of my daughters because I would literally camp outside of his house with a sign that say's "Perverted, jackass lives here".  And I wouldn't leave until I made his life miserable.

Now as far as his point of view goes I think everyone in this Country get's to have an opinion on wether or not we have to pay for someone to take Birth Control.

How do I feel about it?  Well I think if Woman had access to it there would be less abortion and less unwanted children in this World.  There are so many children in this World who are unwanted and if we could proactively give Woman the right to choose wether they end up in this situation maybe the numbers would go down.

Once he expressed his opinion about not wanted to pay for this,  all of his comments that followed were without a doubt highly inappropriate.  They do not make any valid arguments on behalf of his opinion.  As a matter of fact he doesn't even make sense thru most of it and I think there is a good chance he's losing his mind.

And let me ask this?  If he made a racial slur on his show how much trouble would he be in right now?  How many people in the public eye have been fired from shows for making racial slurs?  HOW is this any different.  He's calling all Woman who choose to take birth control Sluts.  I'm amazed that he can say this, still have his job and tomorrow if he said something about an African American he'd probably be fired.

That's where I stand.  I think he's just totally nuts and once someone says something like this it's very hard to ever "hear" another word they say.  I was never a fan and I can assure you I never will be.

The Things We Say

Ok so for most of my life I am positive that in most situations I "Said the wrong thing"  Now.  Saying the wrong thing can have so many meanings that you literally cannot put a label on it.  I could say "I don't like blue" to someone and literally offend them to the ends of the Earth and totally destroy any possibility of a future relationship with that person.  Or I could say "Women who have fake boobs are sluts".   Either way. No matter how small or how large the comment is....I am most likely going to offend someone.  Now.  I'm not a fan of blue.  Not my favorite color.  I like all colors to be honest but blue is not at the top of my list.  I do however have fake boobs.  So.  BEFORE I had fake boobs and I made comments about them I had no idea what I was saying.

The things I say always come out of me with the best of intentions.  Wether I'm trying to help, be funny or make an honest opinion statement.  My purpose is not to hurt anyone.  However everyone is so different that no matter how hard I try I will most likely offend someone.  And I am truly sorry for that.

On the flip side though...if we are not able to express our opinions and feelings without worrying about offending someone than what kind of a World would that be?  We learn everything by experience and by friendships and by the way we are raised.

I'm NOT saying that I will just say anything that comes into my mind no matter what the consequences.  I do try to think before I speak and consider the person I am talking to.  However I am still gonna say things in situations that are likely to spark bad feelings that I totally did not expect.  And if I do this I encourage anyone who knows me to call me on it.  And even if you don't know me...it's a random conversation in a bar....I still want to know.  Because if I know that something I say might hurt you I will not say it.  And if you tell me your side I most likely will see it from a different perspective.

There are 2 sides to this story and everyone is on both sides.  You either say something that offends.  Or you hear something that offends.  You have choices.

If you are the offender and someone calls you on it OR you are aware enough to realize that you offended than you can sincerely apologize.  And I mean sincerely.  I don't mean fake apologize and then go around telling everyone you know how you had to apologize to someone for the way "they" felt.  Or you can just be a totally selfish asshole and go through life not realizing that you alienate just about everyone you come into contact with.  This is a very lonely choice.

If you are the receiver.  You can stand up for the way you feel and tell the person who offended you.  Keeping in mind however that there are two sides to every story and if you are SO offended by something someone says to you there may be a reason why.  Unless of course it's some random guy in a bar who just say's "Hay your got let's get it on"   And even when you stand up for yourself most people you encounter (unfortunately) are not going to hear your side.  In this case you just walk away.  OR you can just say nothing.  And this person just goes through life offending without any consequences.  Except of course for the part where no one ever wants to be around them ever.

Even though both are the harder choice:

I choose to make amends if I hurt someone with my words.  Even if they still don't like me or won't accept my apology I still try.

I choose to accept an apology.  Which rarely ever happens with sincerity.  But I also chose not to take what everyone says so personally.  Because WHY??????  What makes this persons opinion so much more important than mine?  What makes them so much better than me that whatever they say has the power to make me feel bad?  I am the only one with that power.  And I choose to have it.

We all have the power of words.  And we all have the ability to build people up or knock them down with our words.  We should always debate and try to see each others point of view.  But if we hurt someone with our words.  We should own it.  It seems like a really hard thing to do but it's actually one of the most satisfying feeling you can ever experience in your whole life.  Making amends.

We also have the power to allow someones words to hurt us.  I'm human.  Of course I get hurt by what people say.  Do I need to carry it around with me for the rest of my life and let it eat a hole in my brain?  No.  I simply accept that the words were an opinion and move on.  Because life is just too short to let someone make me feel worthless.  If I chose to carry it with me I'm choosing to be a victim.  Which just makes me weak.

My blogs are honestly meant to open minds to the other side of things.  I do not write to preach or try to change anyones opinions.  I write for both sides to try and help each side see the point of view from the other side.  I honestly love people and wish everyone happiness.  I also highly encourage feedback because I honestly want to know your opinions.

Now that I've put all my feeling out there I must add a disclaimer to this blog because I am in fact married to one Jay Keres who most of you know and if you know him you know that many many things come out of his mouth that are entirely inappropriate.  If I could put a tattoo on my forehead that said "Im not responsible for what come's out of Jay's mouth" I would but I can't.  What I can do is tell you that no matter what comes out of his mouth it's NOT meant to hurt.  It's just who he is.  He has the biggest heart of anyone I know.  And if you tell him I said that well then... I'll have to kill you.  But it's true.  His intentions are never meant to hurt.  Most people don't intend to hurt.  But they do.  So I am on Jay like fly's on poo about this topic in particular.  I do believe that he too can see the other side of things.

So if you are on the receiving end of my wonderful husbands words.  Don't hesitate for even one millisecond to tell me about it.  Because I WILL confront him.  And believe it or not he listens to me.

In conclusion I suggest this.  Think before you speak.  And consider before you judge.  Everyone comes from a different place.  You don't know that what you say will hurt and they don't know that what they say will hurt. Give some leeway.  Because as much as you like to point your finger at someone else.....there is someone who is just as willing to point their finger at you...fix yourself.  That's all that matters.