OK. Yesterday I blogged about the Boogeyman. Yes. It brought up feelings for a lot of people. Mainly My Mommy. Not because I blogged about it but because everything I wrote in the blog was true and it was very difficult for her to read. The truth is I could have written a lot more about the Boogeyman but I only shared enough to get my point across. The Boogeyman does not deserve any more words......
My Mommy however deserves a whole lot of words. When I look back on my life I mostly have memories of my Mom. She was the one who was there no matter what was going on. She was the one who worked her butt off to make sure I could get a couple of new pairs of jeans and a baseball jersey (when they were in style) And believe me I REMEMBER THAT. I remember being in the 4th or 5th grade and knowing that I needed that baseball jersey more than anything in the whole world in order to fit in with my friends who went skating every weekend. And my Mom made sure I had it.
Also throughout all the years...with and without the Boogeyman...my Mom made sure that Santa always came to our house. No matter how bad my life was or how scary things seemed there was one thing I could always count on and that was that Santa was going to leave a lot of presents under the Tree for me every year. And not junk either. It was always stuff that I really really wanted. Things like the baby doll that ate and really pooped. The mouse trap game. Every Barbie thing I ever wanted. She made sure it was there. Santa was my Hero. So really. My Mom was my Hero.
Now. My Mom had a choice. She could have given me away. I'm sure that there were plenty of couples out there who were more than happy to adopt a fat baby girl. However she loved me so much that she just couldn't give me away. And even though I didn't have a perfect life she did give me a family. My Marescalco family. My Gramma and Grampa. My Aunts and Uncles. And my cousins (all boys cept for Jill who was born way after me) My point is that My Marescalco family accepted me for better or worse. I was part of something that no one could ever take away from me. And even though we've all had our issues over the years I know that no matter what THAT family is MY family and would be there for me in a heartbeat. Not only did she give me this family but she chose me. And I believe that by choosing me she gave me a gift. She was not ready to raise me. She had to do whatever she had to do to keep me. So when I think back on the Boogeyman I do not blame her. I know that she was doing what she had to do to keep me in her life. I also am very aware of the fact that things could have been much worse. People think it's sad, or want to feel sorry for me. Why? I have my Mommy!! And no matter what we've had to go through to be together I can guarantee you one thing. She has always put me first. Even when she didn't have the power to do it she did. And by that I mean that no matter what has ever happened she HAS ALWAYS BEEN there for me. Even if she had to hide it from the Boogeyman she found a way. And when my Mom walked away from the Boogeyman I was 10 years old. I KNEW he was bad. I KNEW what he was doing was wrong. I KNEW that he wasn't my real father. So I also KNEW that we didn't have to be with him. Of course when your little you don't understand big people problems. For years I didn't understand why we couldn't just leave and never go back. I understand fully now. And I also understand that by leaving him she risked her life. HER LIFE. Not mine. She put herself in danger to get us both out of a terrible situation. She also left a huge impression on me when she did it. I knew for sure that no matter what I would never ever be with someone who hit me. It's amazing the power that a parents decision can have on their children. And in this case her decision probably saved my life. When she left him I learned that what he was doing was not OK. That it was not acceptable......and that I would never allow it to happen to me again. Also in her credit my Mom has never been in an abusive relationship since. Which is almost miraculous. To break that cycle is almost unheard of. But she did it. Because she's strong.
My Mom has always been my hero. Even when I hated her I can tell you this. Whenever I was in trouble or needed good advice from someone who I knew would not judge me I always called my Mom. I could give you examples but lets just say that I haven't alway's made the best choices in life. And when the shit hit the fan and I needed an escape route she was always the one with all the answers. When I'm panicking and I cannot figure out what to do I call my Mom. And so do a lot of other people.
OK so Mom and I were alone for a long long time after the Boogeyman. And I'm not gonna say things were perfect cuz they weren't. But she did the very best she could under the circumstances. And eventually she decided to change her life and become a healthier person. When she met my Stepfather Bob things started to change. And believe me I didn't like it. Not one single bit. Because all of the sudden I was experiencing tough love. And the reason I was able to receive that tough love was because my Mom stepped aside and allowed my Dad to give it to me. At the time I hated her. I thought she was turning on me. But he was strong enough to say no to me. And to do what it took to help me be the best I could be. And I can only imagine how hard that was for her to not "save" me. He forced me to save myself and by doing so they both helped me overcome so many things. And I'm being totally honest when I say that until I turned 40 I still thought my Mom and Step Dad were completely and totally nuts off their rockers coo coo for co co puffs. But the truth was I just hadn't let go of the past. And when I did I was able to see them in a whole different way.
If you look at where my parents came from, how they lived their lives and raised their children, you cannot help but admit that the parents/grandparents they are today are the most amazing gift ever. I could not ask for better Grandparents for my girls. My girls have only known them as the wonderful people that they are and my girls are loved by their Grandparents more than I could ever even dream of asking for. My parents also love their kids the same way. And no matter how many mistakes they've made over the years they have done the best that they possibly know how to do.
So. As far as my Mom goes. She's amazing. She still influences every decision I make. She is still one of my best friends in the whole world. And I trust her to infinity. She didn't always make the best choices but who does? Who can judge that? Not me that's for sure. I've turned out pretty good considering the awfulness that I came from.
And for all you parent out there who think that it's "too late" to make a difference in your child's life. Your wrong. When I was 23 my Mom and StepDad both quit smoking. She smoked a pack a day and he smoked 2 to 3 packs a day. I just knew that if my parents could quit that I could quit too. And I did. It's NEVER too late. You can always make amends, give the tough love that you have to give or set an example by changing something in your life that affects your children. It's never too late. I am living proof of that. And I believe that my Mom choosing to become a better, stronger person is why I am a 42 year old woman who is willing to do the same. She chose me, she saved me and she loved me enough to help me be strong. NOT EASY folks!! But she did and for that she is my Hero. Mom I love you. Forever and ever.......<3
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
I grew up with the Boogeyman.
I have been putting this blog off for some time now. I really want to write about things that are funny and wonderful but the sad truth is that all the things that make up who I am are not funny and wonderful. The fact that I have overcome them is what makes me funny and wonderful. Also I believe it's important for everyone to know that even though I live in a Happy Pink Bubble....things weren't always that way. I was not raised in a perfect environment where everything was wonderful and my parents were supportive all the time. Quite the opposite.
I always tell my girls they were made from Love. This is so true. No matter what Jay and I have done over the years as far as mistakes go my girls were each made in a moment of true love. And there was never a moment for either one of us that wasn't totally 100% happy over the Moon about being pregnant and having another baby.
I was not concieved from love. I was conceived in a moment of passion in the back seat of a car. (Sorry Mom) BTW I would never put this stuff out there if I felt that anyone I know would suffer a consequence as a result. There are no secrets between my Mom and I. I was brought into this world unexpected and unwanted. Until of course my Mom held me in her arms and couldn't let me go. Also My Gramma was rooting for me the whole time. She even raised me the first year of my life. I believe strongly that her love is what got me through the rest of my life. And I will blog about her another time because she deserves an entire blog.
My biological Father did not accept me. I don't know the whole story. All I know from what I've heard is that he didn't believe I was his and his family didn't want me. He went away shortly after I was born and I never saw him again until I was about 11 years old.
A year after I was born my Mom married my stepfather the Boogeyman. Did she love him? No. She needed him to help raise me. And that's where the awful part of my life began. My Mom told me that one time when I was a little over a year I was in my crib crying. The Boogeyman came over and slapped me down with one hand, told me to shut up and as far as I can tell I did. My Mom said from that day forward I never made a noise. I was so terrified of him I almost couldn't even breath in his presence. Mostly he kept his hands off of me after that. Except for the occasional belt lashing I was pretty good at keeping out of his way. My Mom on the other hand was in an abusive relationship. And the cycle is very clear. There was only one time when we felt safe and that was right after he beat her. When I say beat her I mean with his fists.
Imagine being 5 or 6 and hiding under your bed because your Dad is beating your Mom. Now imagine being afraid of getting caught hiding under your bed by the Boogeyman and getting spanked for hiding. To be honest I only remember that there were fights. I don't remember the details but I do remember that aftermath of my Moms body when they were over. And the wall in the hole that was a punch meant for her head. And the time I called the police because he had her pinned between the car and the garage door. And the fact that the police didn't show up for 2 hours which meant my Grandma had to step in and threaten the Boogeyman with his life if he didn't back the car up. Funny how the Boogeyman could beat up on a Woman but when it came to my Gramma he was afraid because he knew for a fact that my Grampa would pound him into the ground if he ever went against my Gramma.
There were also many many times when this abuse would just come out of no where. Driving down the street and my Mom would say the wrong thing. He'd just haul off and punch her in the face. Driving down the street and I have a bad cold which is causing me to cough. Him telling me to stop coughing or he's going to spank me. Me gagging in the back seat trying not to cough.
One day when I was in the 3rd grade he finally hit me. It was over something one of the kids in the neighborhood had done and because I didn't stop them he blamed me. He hit me so hard I fell and he also did it in front of everyone. That was the day my Mom decided to leave him. And she had to plot and plan and hide and save in order to do it. It must have been the scariest thing she ever had to do. I cannot even imagine.
Now. When I was in the second grade I found out from the Boogeyman's son that I was not the Boogeymans real Daughter. At first I was upset because of course everything I believed was a lie. But then I was sooooo relieved that I hadn't actually been a product of this Monster. I was also relieved because I wished every single day of my life that my parents would get a divorce and I thought there was something very wrong with me for wishing this. Turns out he WAS NOT my parent. To call him a parent would be a joke. He's the Boogeyman.
Over the years I was called out of classes and asked by councilors what was going on at home. Somehow they knew something was wrong. And I went to A LOT of schools. I got very good at lying. I also got picked up by the police once for being left home alone at too young of an age. I also lied to the police. Not just about the abuse but about what I ate for breakfast. Somehow I knew to tell them I'd had cornflakes instead of leftover fried chicken.
My Mom did leave the Boogeyman when I was 10 years old. And I believe that by doing so she saved me from a life of physical abuse. This was during a time when the police did not respond to domestic violence calls. When woman could not be protected from these men. When no one was taking it seriously. Fortunately at the time my Mom worked in the Federal Court House. :D
After we left him he stalked her. He threatened her. He showed up unexpected all the time. And I still lived in constant fear of him. One night he followed her around town with a gun. She stopped at a pay phone to call the police and when they came they were friends with the Boogeyman so they did nothing. She finally had to drive strait to the police station and lay on the horn to get anyones attention. This just amazes me.
Finally when they went to court she had backup. Because she knew every judge and worked for one of the most well known judges. They all had her back. They had all seen what the Boogeyman had done to her over the years. The Judge looked at the Boogeyman in court that day and told him that if he so much as thought the word Bitch in my Mom's direction he was going to jail. And it was over. Finally. We were free......
Well sort of. Unfortunately this type of situation leaves a mark. A pretty permanent one. And I lived in fear for many many years. I can tell you that I was in many fights when I was younger. I never tried to start a fight but when someone attacked me all that anger and fear came to the service and lets just say I usually won. That anger and fear was with me for a very long time. Until the birth of my second baby which is when I believe it all came out of me. I spent 2 years crying and letting it go.
I've seen the Boogeyman over the years. There was a time when I used to shake when I ran into him. I remember how much this upset Jay. He can't hurt you anymore. Well I knew that but I really didn't. All I knew was that he was the Boogeyman and I was terrified of making him angry. Then I had kids. And I remember seeing him one day while I had my little ones with me. Was I afraid? Hell NO!!! I was pissed. I knew immediately that I never ever wanted him around me kids and that I would kill him before I let him even so much as "think" anything in their direction. I looked him in the eye, looked away and walked on. The message was very clear. And so very powerful for me.
The Boogeyman is still alive. And I wonder how I'll feel when he passes away. I don't hate him. I'm no longer afraid of him. I really don't care at all about him. But he was my Dad for a long time. I don't know how I will feel. I do know that it could happen any day and I honestly don't care. I don't feel a need to go tell him anything. Or make things right. So I suppose when he passes it won't affect me either way. Accept for maybe the part where I feel sorry for him. Whatever demon possesses him that makes him the bad man that he is has made him a lonely man. And for that I am sorry. Because I do feel like there was a little part of him that was good. That wanted to be good. Maybe it's chemical. Maybe it's a secret he's keeping. Whatever it is....it's wasted his life. And I do feel sorry for him.
Now. As far as abuse goes. I do not tolerate it at all in my life. I do not tolerate physical or verbal abuse. I don't care who you are or why you think you have a right to physically or verbally abuse me. It's not tolerated. I've told many people this and I believe it's even in another one of my blogs. My husband Jay has never ever called me a bad name in our whole lifetime together. Not because I won't tolerate it but because it's just not in him to do it. Not for any reason. Every heated fight we've ever had, and we've had many, he's never called me a name or said anything outright abusive to hurt me. If someone feels a need to express themselves in this way to someone they supposedly love or are friends with than that person has a problem. There is never any good reason to abuse. NEVER.
I hope that everyone who reads this realizes that abuse in any form is serious. Even if you've never been abused you still don't have to accept it. Just because I was abused and saw abuse doesn't make me "special". Example: And I totally love this person I'm using but I won't name them. Got mad at me and called me a bad name on Facebook. I do not accept this. This person apologized and then took back their apology by saying "Well your one of the only people I know that I can't say things like that to" REALLY?? Hmmmmmmmmmmm....... I wonder. Just because you call someone a name out of anger and they still stay friends with you does not mean that they accept that behavior. You've left a mark. And the next time you do it you'll leave another mark. Pretty soon the marks add up and you lose a friend. The only difference between me and everyone else is that I stop it at the first mark. You get ONE mark. And after that I'm done. Yes. Done. Life is too short to be hurt by words that other people think they have a right to say in the heat of the moment. And if I am going to set a proper example for my girls this is just how it has to be done.
I need to make it very clear that I am OVER the Boogeyman. I do not carry around any negativity as a result of the experience and I feel very lucky and grateful for that. I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me. I have overcome my demons and in sharing this blog I hope to help others overcome their demons. We only have so much time on this Earth and the best most wonderful thing we can do for ourselves and our loved ones is live to the best of our abilities. For as long as we can.
I always tell my girls they were made from Love. This is so true. No matter what Jay and I have done over the years as far as mistakes go my girls were each made in a moment of true love. And there was never a moment for either one of us that wasn't totally 100% happy over the Moon about being pregnant and having another baby.
I was not concieved from love. I was conceived in a moment of passion in the back seat of a car. (Sorry Mom) BTW I would never put this stuff out there if I felt that anyone I know would suffer a consequence as a result. There are no secrets between my Mom and I. I was brought into this world unexpected and unwanted. Until of course my Mom held me in her arms and couldn't let me go. Also My Gramma was rooting for me the whole time. She even raised me the first year of my life. I believe strongly that her love is what got me through the rest of my life. And I will blog about her another time because she deserves an entire blog.
My biological Father did not accept me. I don't know the whole story. All I know from what I've heard is that he didn't believe I was his and his family didn't want me. He went away shortly after I was born and I never saw him again until I was about 11 years old.
A year after I was born my Mom married my stepfather the Boogeyman. Did she love him? No. She needed him to help raise me. And that's where the awful part of my life began. My Mom told me that one time when I was a little over a year I was in my crib crying. The Boogeyman came over and slapped me down with one hand, told me to shut up and as far as I can tell I did. My Mom said from that day forward I never made a noise. I was so terrified of him I almost couldn't even breath in his presence. Mostly he kept his hands off of me after that. Except for the occasional belt lashing I was pretty good at keeping out of his way. My Mom on the other hand was in an abusive relationship. And the cycle is very clear. There was only one time when we felt safe and that was right after he beat her. When I say beat her I mean with his fists.
Imagine being 5 or 6 and hiding under your bed because your Dad is beating your Mom. Now imagine being afraid of getting caught hiding under your bed by the Boogeyman and getting spanked for hiding. To be honest I only remember that there were fights. I don't remember the details but I do remember that aftermath of my Moms body when they were over. And the wall in the hole that was a punch meant for her head. And the time I called the police because he had her pinned between the car and the garage door. And the fact that the police didn't show up for 2 hours which meant my Grandma had to step in and threaten the Boogeyman with his life if he didn't back the car up. Funny how the Boogeyman could beat up on a Woman but when it came to my Gramma he was afraid because he knew for a fact that my Grampa would pound him into the ground if he ever went against my Gramma.
There were also many many times when this abuse would just come out of no where. Driving down the street and my Mom would say the wrong thing. He'd just haul off and punch her in the face. Driving down the street and I have a bad cold which is causing me to cough. Him telling me to stop coughing or he's going to spank me. Me gagging in the back seat trying not to cough.
One day when I was in the 3rd grade he finally hit me. It was over something one of the kids in the neighborhood had done and because I didn't stop them he blamed me. He hit me so hard I fell and he also did it in front of everyone. That was the day my Mom decided to leave him. And she had to plot and plan and hide and save in order to do it. It must have been the scariest thing she ever had to do. I cannot even imagine.
Now. When I was in the second grade I found out from the Boogeyman's son that I was not the Boogeymans real Daughter. At first I was upset because of course everything I believed was a lie. But then I was sooooo relieved that I hadn't actually been a product of this Monster. I was also relieved because I wished every single day of my life that my parents would get a divorce and I thought there was something very wrong with me for wishing this. Turns out he WAS NOT my parent. To call him a parent would be a joke. He's the Boogeyman.
Over the years I was called out of classes and asked by councilors what was going on at home. Somehow they knew something was wrong. And I went to A LOT of schools. I got very good at lying. I also got picked up by the police once for being left home alone at too young of an age. I also lied to the police. Not just about the abuse but about what I ate for breakfast. Somehow I knew to tell them I'd had cornflakes instead of leftover fried chicken.
My Mom did leave the Boogeyman when I was 10 years old. And I believe that by doing so she saved me from a life of physical abuse. This was during a time when the police did not respond to domestic violence calls. When woman could not be protected from these men. When no one was taking it seriously. Fortunately at the time my Mom worked in the Federal Court House. :D
After we left him he stalked her. He threatened her. He showed up unexpected all the time. And I still lived in constant fear of him. One night he followed her around town with a gun. She stopped at a pay phone to call the police and when they came they were friends with the Boogeyman so they did nothing. She finally had to drive strait to the police station and lay on the horn to get anyones attention. This just amazes me.
Finally when they went to court she had backup. Because she knew every judge and worked for one of the most well known judges. They all had her back. They had all seen what the Boogeyman had done to her over the years. The Judge looked at the Boogeyman in court that day and told him that if he so much as thought the word Bitch in my Mom's direction he was going to jail. And it was over. Finally. We were free......
Well sort of. Unfortunately this type of situation leaves a mark. A pretty permanent one. And I lived in fear for many many years. I can tell you that I was in many fights when I was younger. I never tried to start a fight but when someone attacked me all that anger and fear came to the service and lets just say I usually won. That anger and fear was with me for a very long time. Until the birth of my second baby which is when I believe it all came out of me. I spent 2 years crying and letting it go.
I've seen the Boogeyman over the years. There was a time when I used to shake when I ran into him. I remember how much this upset Jay. He can't hurt you anymore. Well I knew that but I really didn't. All I knew was that he was the Boogeyman and I was terrified of making him angry. Then I had kids. And I remember seeing him one day while I had my little ones with me. Was I afraid? Hell NO!!! I was pissed. I knew immediately that I never ever wanted him around me kids and that I would kill him before I let him even so much as "think" anything in their direction. I looked him in the eye, looked away and walked on. The message was very clear. And so very powerful for me.
The Boogeyman is still alive. And I wonder how I'll feel when he passes away. I don't hate him. I'm no longer afraid of him. I really don't care at all about him. But he was my Dad for a long time. I don't know how I will feel. I do know that it could happen any day and I honestly don't care. I don't feel a need to go tell him anything. Or make things right. So I suppose when he passes it won't affect me either way. Accept for maybe the part where I feel sorry for him. Whatever demon possesses him that makes him the bad man that he is has made him a lonely man. And for that I am sorry. Because I do feel like there was a little part of him that was good. That wanted to be good. Maybe it's chemical. Maybe it's a secret he's keeping. Whatever it is....it's wasted his life. And I do feel sorry for him.
Now. As far as abuse goes. I do not tolerate it at all in my life. I do not tolerate physical or verbal abuse. I don't care who you are or why you think you have a right to physically or verbally abuse me. It's not tolerated. I've told many people this and I believe it's even in another one of my blogs. My husband Jay has never ever called me a bad name in our whole lifetime together. Not because I won't tolerate it but because it's just not in him to do it. Not for any reason. Every heated fight we've ever had, and we've had many, he's never called me a name or said anything outright abusive to hurt me. If someone feels a need to express themselves in this way to someone they supposedly love or are friends with than that person has a problem. There is never any good reason to abuse. NEVER.
I hope that everyone who reads this realizes that abuse in any form is serious. Even if you've never been abused you still don't have to accept it. Just because I was abused and saw abuse doesn't make me "special". Example: And I totally love this person I'm using but I won't name them. Got mad at me and called me a bad name on Facebook. I do not accept this. This person apologized and then took back their apology by saying "Well your one of the only people I know that I can't say things like that to" REALLY?? Hmmmmmmmmmmm....... I wonder. Just because you call someone a name out of anger and they still stay friends with you does not mean that they accept that behavior. You've left a mark. And the next time you do it you'll leave another mark. Pretty soon the marks add up and you lose a friend. The only difference between me and everyone else is that I stop it at the first mark. You get ONE mark. And after that I'm done. Yes. Done. Life is too short to be hurt by words that other people think they have a right to say in the heat of the moment. And if I am going to set a proper example for my girls this is just how it has to be done.
I need to make it very clear that I am OVER the Boogeyman. I do not carry around any negativity as a result of the experience and I feel very lucky and grateful for that. I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me. I have overcome my demons and in sharing this blog I hope to help others overcome their demons. We only have so much time on this Earth and the best most wonderful thing we can do for ourselves and our loved ones is live to the best of our abilities. For as long as we can.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Marriage and Babies
OK so here's the deal. You fall in love, get married and run off to your honeymoon. Maybe you lived together for a long time, Maybe not. Either way you think you know this person that you have committed the rest of your life to. And you do. You know THIS person. But you DO NOT know the person who you married who has kids. That person is a completely different person than the one you met and married. Unless of course you've already had kids and then you got married.
Here's my point. When you get married and have that dream of creating life and raising children together you don't consider certain things. Like how you were raised. Or how your spouse was raised. There is a good chance you both come from completely different upbringings. And when you have that first baby it's like the most wonderful thing you could ever imagine. The love you feel is more powerful than anything on this Earth........
Then the baby turns 3. And all of the sudden you have to start disciplining. And guess what? Even if you think you know 100% for sure what you would do. You don't. And if you say you do and you did your lying. You don't know. You can say all day long every day of your life that you "Will be different" than your parents. Or that "You will NEVER" do what your parents did. But the hard cold truth is that you will. You will find yourself doing EXACTLY what your parents did and then looking at your spouse like they are the cuuuuraaaaaziest person on the planet when they even remotely suggest that you should do it their way. Because their way is GOING TO BE DIFFERENT. It's most likely going to be the exact opposite of what you think should be done. And this my friends is when you finally "Meet" the person you married.
It does not matter how many conversations you had about how many kids you would have, how you would act if they got hurt, how you would discipline them when they misbehave.....you will not do what you said because you had NO FRIGGING CLUE!!..... What having kids was all about. And you had no clue what your response to having children would be.
How could anyone know until they have had kids? They can't. It's just simply not possible. You absolutely have to have children in order to know what having children is all about. And you have to have children in order to be able to make any kind of rational judgement about how children should be dealt with. And if you don't have any children....yes I'm going to say it.....you need to STFU because you don't have a clue. Keep your opinions to yourself please because those of us who have children do not care what you have to say. I'm sorry but it's the truth. Until you have your own kids you cannot possibly even come remotely close to knowing what it is like to be a parent or HOW to deal with kids. You may have good suggestions or idea's but you just don't know. Nothing in this World or in the Universe will make you stronger or wiser than having children. And once you have children there is nothing that can hurt you more than your children.
Now. Back to my point. When you finally meet this person you've been married to who all of a sudden is someone you do not know because you are disagreeing on how to raise your children, you have to realize that you come from completely different places. This person is a stranger to you. If you are going to succeed at this business of raising children I would suggest therapy. If you are not someone who wants to go to therapy than I would highly suggest finding a way to meet half way. Because as much as I hate to say it children from broken homes usually blame themselves for their parents breaking up. And guess what? It's true. Not in the sense that the child has done something wrong to make the parents break up. But in the sense that the parents cannot come together and be strong enough to agree to raise the child together.
Example: Mom stays home all day and takes care of the kids. She has her way of dealing with things and then Dad comes home and trumps everything Mom has been working on all day to instill in the kids.
Example: Dad is home and decides something is going to go down a certain way. Mom steps in because she's the boss and trumps Dad in front of the kids.
I am the first to admit that Jay and I are not perfect parents. We have 3 girls. Kelsey is Keres 1.0 the prototype. Bizzy is Keres 2.0 the upgrade. And Jelly is Keres 3.0 the advanced version. We have made many many mistakes over the years and I'll tell you who has suffered the most. The children. The reason Jay and I are still together today is because we have a love that is so deep that we cannot live without each other. And in order to stay together we've had to realize that we are completely different people who bring different things to the table. Meeting half way is our only option. We have to be one as far as raising our kids goes. If we aren't than we can no longer be.
So....... In my opinion. And this is just my opinion but I really feel very strongly about it. You do not actually meet your spouse until you have a child together. And this isn't always a bad thing. It's just something I wish I would have known ahead of time. Of course it probably wouldn't have mattered because I knew everything. But if you are open minded and willing to "hear" me remember that if you are married now without children....there is someone you are waiting to meet. And when you meet that person try to be patient and understanding because guess what? They are just meeting you too!
Here's my point. When you get married and have that dream of creating life and raising children together you don't consider certain things. Like how you were raised. Or how your spouse was raised. There is a good chance you both come from completely different upbringings. And when you have that first baby it's like the most wonderful thing you could ever imagine. The love you feel is more powerful than anything on this Earth........
Then the baby turns 3. And all of the sudden you have to start disciplining. And guess what? Even if you think you know 100% for sure what you would do. You don't. And if you say you do and you did your lying. You don't know. You can say all day long every day of your life that you "Will be different" than your parents. Or that "You will NEVER" do what your parents did. But the hard cold truth is that you will. You will find yourself doing EXACTLY what your parents did and then looking at your spouse like they are the cuuuuraaaaaziest person on the planet when they even remotely suggest that you should do it their way. Because their way is GOING TO BE DIFFERENT. It's most likely going to be the exact opposite of what you think should be done. And this my friends is when you finally "Meet" the person you married.
It does not matter how many conversations you had about how many kids you would have, how you would act if they got hurt, how you would discipline them when they misbehave.....you will not do what you said because you had NO FRIGGING CLUE!!..... What having kids was all about. And you had no clue what your response to having children would be.
How could anyone know until they have had kids? They can't. It's just simply not possible. You absolutely have to have children in order to know what having children is all about. And you have to have children in order to be able to make any kind of rational judgement about how children should be dealt with. And if you don't have any children....yes I'm going to say it.....you need to STFU because you don't have a clue. Keep your opinions to yourself please because those of us who have children do not care what you have to say. I'm sorry but it's the truth. Until you have your own kids you cannot possibly even come remotely close to knowing what it is like to be a parent or HOW to deal with kids. You may have good suggestions or idea's but you just don't know. Nothing in this World or in the Universe will make you stronger or wiser than having children. And once you have children there is nothing that can hurt you more than your children.
Now. Back to my point. When you finally meet this person you've been married to who all of a sudden is someone you do not know because you are disagreeing on how to raise your children, you have to realize that you come from completely different places. This person is a stranger to you. If you are going to succeed at this business of raising children I would suggest therapy. If you are not someone who wants to go to therapy than I would highly suggest finding a way to meet half way. Because as much as I hate to say it children from broken homes usually blame themselves for their parents breaking up. And guess what? It's true. Not in the sense that the child has done something wrong to make the parents break up. But in the sense that the parents cannot come together and be strong enough to agree to raise the child together.
Example: Mom stays home all day and takes care of the kids. She has her way of dealing with things and then Dad comes home and trumps everything Mom has been working on all day to instill in the kids.
Example: Dad is home and decides something is going to go down a certain way. Mom steps in because she's the boss and trumps Dad in front of the kids.
I am the first to admit that Jay and I are not perfect parents. We have 3 girls. Kelsey is Keres 1.0 the prototype. Bizzy is Keres 2.0 the upgrade. And Jelly is Keres 3.0 the advanced version. We have made many many mistakes over the years and I'll tell you who has suffered the most. The children. The reason Jay and I are still together today is because we have a love that is so deep that we cannot live without each other. And in order to stay together we've had to realize that we are completely different people who bring different things to the table. Meeting half way is our only option. We have to be one as far as raising our kids goes. If we aren't than we can no longer be.
So....... In my opinion. And this is just my opinion but I really feel very strongly about it. You do not actually meet your spouse until you have a child together. And this isn't always a bad thing. It's just something I wish I would have known ahead of time. Of course it probably wouldn't have mattered because I knew everything. But if you are open minded and willing to "hear" me remember that if you are married now without children....there is someone you are waiting to meet. And when you meet that person try to be patient and understanding because guess what? They are just meeting you too!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Do you believe in Soul Mates?
I've asked a lot of people this question and some believe, some don't. Do I believe? YES! I believe whole heartedly in soul mates. Not just because I met mine and married him but because I've also experienced it in other ways.
However since it is our 15 Year Anniversary today I would like to start with my wonderful Husband Jay who is without a doubt my true soul mate. Just like we are all individuals and special in our own ways, Jays and my connection is truly unique. Of course I had experienced what I thought was love on several occasions before I met him. I can honestly say though that no matter how strongly I felt for anyone in my past I could never imagine myself walking down the isle and committing the rest of my whole life to them. It was always something I dreamed about and hoped would happen for me some day. I was never asked by anyone to walk down that isle. I think though that even if I had been I would have said no. Because somewhere deep down inside of me I knew I hadn't met the "One"
When I met him I knew instantly. There were fireworks, the World stopped and I think I even dropped my hamster......which didn't turn out well for him. My point is that once I met Jay there was nothing on this Earth that could have kept me away from him. And believe me when your young and in love there are lots of things that try to get in the way. Especially when you have very dysfunctional backgrounds like we both do. We have never broken up since the day we met almost 20 years ago. We've had many passionate, dramatic, heart crushing fights but there was never anything that could keep us from wanting to be together. He went on a business trip a week after we met. Before he left we promised each other that we wouldn't kiss anyone else. We talked on the phone every day and when he returned he had bought us matching tennis shoes in the American Flag theme. I thought it was such a cheesy thing to do at the time but I also thought it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me in my whole life. We still have our matching shoes. :D
Not only do I believe that there was some outside force that brought us together (my Aunts set us up on a blind date) but I also believe that that force is what keeps us together and strong. I can honestly say that even after 20 years with Jay I would not want to ever live one day of my life without him in it. He is the strongest, most loving and kindest person I've ever known. Now for some of you who know him well...you know he has a devilish side. But this side has also made a huge impact on who I am today. By the time I met Jay I had experienced so much pain in my life that I had a rock solid shell all around my heart and No One was allowed in. He was able to chip away at that shell and finally break it open so I could learn to love and be loved again. So I could learn to trust. He IS the reason I am a better person today. He never wavered in his love or commitment to me no matter how hard it was. He SAW the real person inside of me that no one else could see. And I believe that he was the only person who could see it. I think he was sent to me, specifically, to help me heal so I could have a wonderful life. His patients and love has shown me that I can share my heart and soul with someone and still be OK. Yes there will be aches and pains along the way but the strength gained from those aches and pains is priceless.
I always tell my girls "I picked your Daddy" And the reason I tell them that is because it's true. I am one of the most fertile woman on the planet. And No I did not save myself for marriage. So I could have had babies a long time ago with just about anyone I wanted to. I tell them that there is NO WAY I would have ever had babies with the wrong person. Who ever this person was it had to be someone very special who would be the best Daddy ever. And so I picked Jay.
Now for all of you non believers I ask you this? Just because you haven't found your human soul mate have you ever considered another soul mate? For instance my dog who passed away at the beginning of last Summer was for sure my Doggie soul mate. I've had lots of dogs and animals in my life but Mojo was The One. From the minute I brought him home he was my dog. He was always there for me. He was the one who put me to sleep every night when I was pregnant with Elizabeth. He also slept under her crib for the first 3 months of her life to protect her. When I was pregnant with Jelly I was very sick for the first 3 months of my pregnancy. Like in the bedroom, door closed, no one allowed in at all sick. I couldn't even be in the same room with Mojo because of his dog smell. Just for the record I couldn't stand the smell of my family either. My point is that when I kicked him out of my life for that 3 months he lost 5 pounds. He was so dismayed that he just sat outside the bedroom door and waited for me to get better. He stopped eating just like me. He stopped moving just like me. And when I finally got better and we were reunited he was right back to his happy Mojo self.
So I believe everyone has a soul mate. Look around your life. Maybe it's a pet. Maybe it's a close friend. Even if it's someone that was only a part of your life for a brief moment you know who it is. I feel like the luckiest person to have found my Human soul mate and my animal soul mate.
Do I think I have another soul mate? No. I do not believe that there is anyone in the whole entire Universe who could be more right for me than my Jay. I have these dreams where I'm not with him. I'm with some other guy and I'm in so much pain because I KNOW I'm suppose to be with someone else but I can't find him no matter how hard I look. I try to call him, I try to look for him. He's not there. And my heart is broken. Then I wake up and I'm so relieved to realize he's right here next to me. Even if I lost him right now there would still never be anyone who could fill his shoes. He is the only one who will ever have my heart AND SOUL.
However since it is our 15 Year Anniversary today I would like to start with my wonderful Husband Jay who is without a doubt my true soul mate. Just like we are all individuals and special in our own ways, Jays and my connection is truly unique. Of course I had experienced what I thought was love on several occasions before I met him. I can honestly say though that no matter how strongly I felt for anyone in my past I could never imagine myself walking down the isle and committing the rest of my whole life to them. It was always something I dreamed about and hoped would happen for me some day. I was never asked by anyone to walk down that isle. I think though that even if I had been I would have said no. Because somewhere deep down inside of me I knew I hadn't met the "One"
When I met him I knew instantly. There were fireworks, the World stopped and I think I even dropped my hamster......which didn't turn out well for him. My point is that once I met Jay there was nothing on this Earth that could have kept me away from him. And believe me when your young and in love there are lots of things that try to get in the way. Especially when you have very dysfunctional backgrounds like we both do. We have never broken up since the day we met almost 20 years ago. We've had many passionate, dramatic, heart crushing fights but there was never anything that could keep us from wanting to be together. He went on a business trip a week after we met. Before he left we promised each other that we wouldn't kiss anyone else. We talked on the phone every day and when he returned he had bought us matching tennis shoes in the American Flag theme. I thought it was such a cheesy thing to do at the time but I also thought it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me in my whole life. We still have our matching shoes. :D
Not only do I believe that there was some outside force that brought us together (my Aunts set us up on a blind date) but I also believe that that force is what keeps us together and strong. I can honestly say that even after 20 years with Jay I would not want to ever live one day of my life without him in it. He is the strongest, most loving and kindest person I've ever known. Now for some of you who know him well...you know he has a devilish side. But this side has also made a huge impact on who I am today. By the time I met Jay I had experienced so much pain in my life that I had a rock solid shell all around my heart and No One was allowed in. He was able to chip away at that shell and finally break it open so I could learn to love and be loved again. So I could learn to trust. He IS the reason I am a better person today. He never wavered in his love or commitment to me no matter how hard it was. He SAW the real person inside of me that no one else could see. And I believe that he was the only person who could see it. I think he was sent to me, specifically, to help me heal so I could have a wonderful life. His patients and love has shown me that I can share my heart and soul with someone and still be OK. Yes there will be aches and pains along the way but the strength gained from those aches and pains is priceless.
I always tell my girls "I picked your Daddy" And the reason I tell them that is because it's true. I am one of the most fertile woman on the planet. And No I did not save myself for marriage. So I could have had babies a long time ago with just about anyone I wanted to. I tell them that there is NO WAY I would have ever had babies with the wrong person. Who ever this person was it had to be someone very special who would be the best Daddy ever. And so I picked Jay.
Now for all of you non believers I ask you this? Just because you haven't found your human soul mate have you ever considered another soul mate? For instance my dog who passed away at the beginning of last Summer was for sure my Doggie soul mate. I've had lots of dogs and animals in my life but Mojo was The One. From the minute I brought him home he was my dog. He was always there for me. He was the one who put me to sleep every night when I was pregnant with Elizabeth. He also slept under her crib for the first 3 months of her life to protect her. When I was pregnant with Jelly I was very sick for the first 3 months of my pregnancy. Like in the bedroom, door closed, no one allowed in at all sick. I couldn't even be in the same room with Mojo because of his dog smell. Just for the record I couldn't stand the smell of my family either. My point is that when I kicked him out of my life for that 3 months he lost 5 pounds. He was so dismayed that he just sat outside the bedroom door and waited for me to get better. He stopped eating just like me. He stopped moving just like me. And when I finally got better and we were reunited he was right back to his happy Mojo self.
So I believe everyone has a soul mate. Look around your life. Maybe it's a pet. Maybe it's a close friend. Even if it's someone that was only a part of your life for a brief moment you know who it is. I feel like the luckiest person to have found my Human soul mate and my animal soul mate.
Do I think I have another soul mate? No. I do not believe that there is anyone in the whole entire Universe who could be more right for me than my Jay. I have these dreams where I'm not with him. I'm with some other guy and I'm in so much pain because I KNOW I'm suppose to be with someone else but I can't find him no matter how hard I look. I try to call him, I try to look for him. He's not there. And my heart is broken. Then I wake up and I'm so relieved to realize he's right here next to me. Even if I lost him right now there would still never be anyone who could fill his shoes. He is the only one who will ever have my heart AND SOUL.
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