Stay at Home Moms

I want to make this perfectly clear.  I have always been a stay at home Mom.  Since my first child was born almost 15 years ago I've never worked outside the home.  My point of view can only be from a stay at home Mom's point of view because I've never known anything else.  This has nothing to do with Mom's who work FOR WHATEVER REASON.  I do not judge these Mom's at all.  I only hope that they are able to raise their children the way they really want to.  I think whatever decision a Mom makes for herself is going to be the best decision for her children because if Mom's happy then everyone is happy.  I think the Mommy wars are ridiculous.  As long as we are loving our children, teaching them good values and they are safe, there is no reason to judge a decision that another Mom is making by choosing to work or stay home.  


Now when I go through the reasons I decided to stay home with my kids some Mother's may take it as a slam if they didn't.  This is not at all my intention.  I am made up of way different stuff than every other Mom out there.  We all are.  And our decisions are hopefully made from our hearts and our guts.  I like to call it our heart of hearts.  


I knew from the second I found out I was pregnant that I would not be working.  It didn't matter to me if there was less money.  I just knew that I couldn't leave my baby with anyone else.  Or more accurately I just couldn't leave her at all.  (Even though I locked myself out of the house the second week of her life)  


I grew up in a very unsafe environment and I felt that the only way I could give that safety to my girls was to be the one who was with them all the time.  It was a decision I felt deep down in my soul.  The decision was made more for my sanity than for them.  I would have stressed.  I was put in many unsafe environments as a child with various babysitters.  Not saying this to scare anyone at all.  Just saying that I do not trust.  And when it comes to my kids that's an especially aggressive feeling for me.  I was also left home alone many many times as a young child.  Too young in my opinion.  And I was afraid.  A lot.  Maybe some people think that kids adapt and bounce back but not this kid.  I've had fear inside of me my whole life for the way I was raised.  And I make no excuses for anyone who was involved in that.  I was not protected.  I was left alone.  And I was put in situations that were not safe.  I believe that one bad thing can change a person forever and if I can prevent this with my kids I will.  


The second reason it made sense for me to stay home was that there was no way I could make enough money to pay for childcare.  It didn't even come close.  So why would I send my child somewhere JUST to pay for their childcare?  Now.  Someone else may make the decision to do this because for them they need that in their life.  I however did not.  I was more than happy to spend mornings cuddling in bed with my baby.  And I will be the first to admit that for the most part there is no set structure in our lives.  I'm not that Mom who makes charts and schedules.  I do not want to live the time I spend with my girls that way.  I want to be able to get up on a Summer day and decide were all gonna snuggle up on the couch and watch saved up shows of something we've been waiting to watch.  Or wake up and decide were going to to Zoo last minute.  Or wake up with no plans and end up hanging out on the deck tanning in the Sun and giggling at each other for random silly stuff that happens.  Sometimes I wish I could be that Mom who had it all planned out but it's just not in me to do things that way.  I know my children are learning structure in school.  They are required to be on a schedule, meet deadlines and follow strict rules.  I want them to be kids at home.  For as long as they can possibly be.  


This doesn't mean they don't have chores and expectations at home.  Mostly this is where Dad comes in.  He is able to balance out that side of me that doesn't want them to have to do anything.  And I believe they should be helping out.  So they do have chores and boundaries outside of school.  They complain that I don't let them do a lot of the things other kids get to do.  As a mostly unsupervised child growing up I happen to know that if our kids are doing all the things other kids are doing they are usually not good things.  And I don't shelter my girls by not letting them participate.  What I do instead is tell them what the other kids are doing.  And I'm not sugar coating anything.  


When my girls are all in school for an entire day will I go back to work?  Because then I won't be paying for childcare.  I won't have to worry about them.  There's no cost to me.  Well that depends.  I have a lot of things I would like to do that I haven't been able to do for a long time because my kids are here.  I also have no desire to have to answer to anyone else on this whole entire planet except for my kids.  They are my first priority.  I want to be here when they get home.  I want to be able to go get them at a moments notice if they get ill.  I do not want to have to feel "guilty" or make excuses to anyone ever for putting them first.  I brought these children into this world and I am the one person who should always be there no matter what they need.  So unless there is a business out there who is willing to work around their needs I probably will not go back to work.  By the time I drop off the 3rd one at school I will most likely have just a few hours before I have to go back and get the 1st one.  


Now.  I am not sure what the general consensus is on a Stay at Home Moms.  I have a pretty good idea though.  And I'll be 100% honest when I say it's a great job.  If I get tired for a few minutes I can lie down on the couch and take a little break.  If I don't feel like taking the kids somewhere I don't have to.  If there is nothing on the schedule for the day I can sleep in with Jelly and snuggle.  Lot's of wonderful good quality time can be spent with my children.  


On the flip side......MY CHILDREN ARE HERE EVERY DAY OF THE SUMMER!!!!!  And as much as we all love each other there is such a thing as spending too much time with someone.  I don't care what you plan or how many crafts you have.....they will fight, they will complain, they will make messes, they will whine and ask for things until you think your brain is gonna explode.  It's just part of the job.  And it's a very stressful thing.  It makes me want to run sometimes.  But I KNOW 100% FOR SURE that some day I will look back on this and be so grateful that I was able to do what I wanted to do.  That I was able to make a choice to stay home and listen to all the fighting and whining because there is also a lot of giggling and creative pranking and freedom that I believe children should have.  


Is my job a cushy sit around and eat bon bons all day job?  Well yes sometimes it is.  I am a very laid back person.  If you've been to my house you know that my set up here is clean....but laid back.  We live in our house.  And we enjoy our couches and TV and snuggling with dogs and foster puppies.  We don't worry that the floors are not perfect or the walls have stains on them.  We don't flip out when someone spills on the carpet.  If I wanted a perfect life than I wouldn't have children.  And it's not always the kids who break or make mistakes.  So I try as much as possible to just go with the flow.  


On the flip side I do like a clean home.  So there is a lot to keep up with.  I used to be totally OCD about how my house has to look.  Now I just like it to be picked up and clutter free if possible.  If I can't get the floors cleaned for a period of time than so be it.  The floors will be here long after my kids are.  


In the meantime I just want them to have a home where they can live without fear.  Have a safe place to come to.  To me I'm not really giving anything up.  I never really had a plan until my babies came into my life and I knew right away that they were my plan.  I love them more than anything and I love when they are home.  I want them here.  Even when they are driving me nuts I still want them here.  I miss them when they are gone.  And I know that before long they will be gone.  Maybe by then I'll be ready but I doubt it.  I will always want them close.  


So for me staying home is my dream.  Maybe I'm lazy sometimes.  Maybe I get a tan a little sooner than everyone else because I'm not in a building all day long.  Maybe I get to goof off and snuggle with my puppies more.  But I also have my kids here. I know where they are and I get to see their beautiful faces.  


My dream also includes a tremendous amount of stress.  It's LOADED with it.  And I always wonder why I'm so tired.  Well I believe my kids are slowly eating my brain and I can't keep up with them the way I used to.  I'm like one of those early computers that takes up half of your desk and my memory is all filled up, the applications keep coming in but I can't figure them out or find anywhere to put them.  I can't do an upgrade, I can't get a new me.  So I just keep trying to keep up.  I'm totally outnumbered and sometimes I crash.  People can judge me all they want for my down times but it's who I am.  There's nothing I can do about it.  I can only listen to my body and mind and take the time to recharge it.  I can only assume that this crash affect is because I stay at home.  Maybe if I worked outside the home and the stress came in a different form I wouldn't have the crashes.  But I do.  And thank goodness I'm a stay at home Mom cuz on those day's if I had to be somewhere I'd be fired.  


Staying home has it's good and it's bad.  But for me every second is worth it.  I hope that my kids will look back some day and be glad I was here for them.  But even if they don't I will always be grateful that they were here with me.  We are together.  And yes......I am insane........

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is my most favorite day of the year and YES it's for a very selfish reason.  In my house on Mother's Day I get whatever I want no matter what.  No one gets to say no to me.  Now you might think that I would ask for a million dollars or a shopping trip but for me this means being able to snuggle with my 14 year old without her "acting like" it's the most horrible thing in the world.  It means that my children have to be nice to each other all day long.  In my house I am finally recognized for all the hard work I do all year to keep my family going.  Do I wish this would happen every day?  Yes.  Sometimes I do.  But I think that would make my job too easy.  It's not suppose to be easy to be Mom.  It's hard work every day and having one day out of the year where I get to be recognized for this work is just fine with me.  

Before I was a Mom I was a very selfish spoiled person.  I was an only child and although I didn't grow up in a family that offered me all the love and support, or monetary things that other only children may have had....I still did not have to compete with anyone for attention.  Of course this also means if something broke or got spilled I had no one else to blame.  So sharing...even the blame...was not something I was at all used to.  MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

When I became pregnant I was just sure that I was going to be a horrible Mother because of this.  I could not imagine that all the selfish feelings I had would ever go away for anyone.  However when they put my sweet little baby Kelsey into my arms there was absolutely nothing in the whole World I would not have given up for her and I knew that instantly.  She was my WHOLE World from that moment on.  I never questioned who came first.  One of my most precious memories from Kelsey's birth is when I woke up at 2am and she was in the nursery.  I wanted her.  STAT!!  Jay was sleeping and told me to just rest and wait but I could not wait I wanted her.  So picked up the phone and called the nursery.  I said these words to the nurse, mostly because I couldn't think strait but also because I couldn't remember my baby's name at that exact moment.  (Happens to me a lot)  I said "This is Mrs. Keres.  Please bring me my baby!"  Because being away from her was too much.  I just wanted her in my arms all the time.  And it turns out I was a natural.  I had never ever held a newborn in my whole life but she fit into my arms like a glove and I just knew exactly what to do with her.  

When I found out I was pregnant with Elizabeth the first thing that happened was I started shaking.  I was excited but at this point I knew exactly what was coming and to be honest it was a little scary.  I asked myself over and over again throughout the pregnancy "How can I possibly love this child as much as I love Kelsey?"  I was just sure that it wasn't possible.  That there was NO WAY I could ever love any child as much as I loved Kelsey.  I think this is a very common fear for Mom's who are pregnant with their second child.  But I'm here to tell you that there is so much love in your heart that you could have 15 children and you would love them all.  They are a part of you.  They are literally the loves of your life.  

For many many years....7.....after Elizabeth was born, I was on the fence about having another baby.  I knew that I wanted one but there was always that rational side of me pulling and saying "You have 2 beautiful girls.  Why rock the boat?"  Well I heard someone say once that they just felt like someone was missing from their family and that's how they knew they wanted another one.  That's exactly how I felt.  Also there was always the lingering "Would love to give Jay a little boy" in the back of my head.  Which is BTW totally insane thinking because if you know my husband you would ask "WHY????"  His little boy would no doubt be impossible to control.....but I would still love him.  

So I left it up to God.  I stopped my birth control and of course within a month I was pregnant.  WORST pregnancy!!!  SO SICK!!  Spent 3 months in my bedroom cuz I couldn't stand the smell of my family.  My dog lost 5lbs because I kicked him out of my life for 3 months.  I could smell him from across the room.  I was just sure that I was carrying the devils baby.  I even called her "Devil Baby" And I was also sure I'd never feel better.  But I did eventually start to feel better and the excitement came back.  At some point during the pregnancy they had to do Old Lady tests on my because I was over 35.  When the Dr. called me and I heard his voice on the phone I almost passed out.  The Dr. DOES NOT call unless it's bad news.  And it was.  My blood tests showed that Jelena might have downs.  And so just when you think you've got this Mom thing down you find out that it does get harder.  And I'm not afraid to admit that I was not happy about the idea of having a downs baby.  I absolutely knew 100% for sure that I would love her no matter what but I did not want a child to have to suffer through life with any kind of problems.  We waited 3 days to find out the results and 2 days before Christmas we found out that not only did our baby not have Downs but that she was a girl.  <3.  Now I know I said I wanted to give Jay a boy but deep down I wanted another girl and so I was thrilled.  :D.  

  

As a Mom I have so many good days and so many bad days.  It's just in the job title.  But on this day of all day's I am reminded that the only reason I am a Mom is because of my beautiful children who I was totally blessed to have.  I don't get to take credit for that part.  They were handed to me by higher power who entrusted me with their lives.  They are the reason I am who I am today.  And for that I will always be eternally grateful.  

And finally this is a personal feeling I like to share with all Woman.  Even if they haven't had children yet.  When I am feeling my lowest, having a bad day, thinking I'd like to lock all my kids in a closet and run for my life or maybe just looking for a little feel good moment.  I can take myself back to the days that each one of my girls was born.  I remember the excitement, I remember the work, I remember all the people in the room looking at my Hoo Hoo.  But mostly I remember the feeling of KNOWING my baby was coming.....the feeling of excitement on the way to the hospital....the way my husband stepped up and got me through each and every birth.  And most important the way it felt when I finally got to meet them.  That's a feeling that I'll never forget and will always be able to reach back into my emotional vault to grab it out anytime I need a boost.  Because no matter what happens to me there is nothing or no one who can take that feeling away from me.  For me, giving birth was the most wonderful thing I've ever experienced.  Nothing will ever compare.  It's a truly a miracle.  Each and every time.